Vladimir Chistyukhin, the man with the title longer than a Tolstoy novel-First Deputy Chairman of the Bank of Russia-has spoken. With a voice as steady as a tractor in low gear, he declared that this cautious approach is to keep the banks from turning into crypto cowboys. 🤠 “We must keep them in line,” he said, or something to that effect. “No wild west here, just a carefully manicured financial garden.” 🌿
Now, the chart’s got a touch of class, queer as a politician’s promise. Open interest be creepin’ up to $1.38 billion (+0.43%), while derivatives volume jiggled up 10%, a harmonious duet for bulls lookin’ to strut their stuff. Funding rates be whisperin’ sweet nothings like a campfire-plenty o’ smoke but no forest in peril. “Bullish bias,” they call it. Missourians wouldn’t call it much o’ anything, but what do they know? 🌲
Ah, the digital tulips! They bloomed so brightly, didn’t they? And now, alas, a rather precipitous pruning. A sum-nineteen billion dollars, if you please-vanished into the ether in merely twelve fleeting hours, a spectacle of panic remarkably akin to a flock of startled pigeons. One suspects a certain dramatic flair to these collapses; a craving for the operatic, don’t you think? 🎭
The poor schmo was stabbed (ouch! 😣) and forced to cough up his digital wallet access. These goons made off with a cool $600K in assets and goodies. Talk about a bad day in the market! 📉
In the past 24 hours, more than 1.5 million traders have felt the cold embrace of liquidation. Long trades, once the darlings of the market, were gutted to the tune of $8 billion. Bitcoin, that proud titan, saw $2.46 billion of its leveraged market vanish into the ether, while Ethereum, its younger sibling, suffered a loss of $2.24 billion. A family affair, indeed, but one drenched in tears rather than triumph.
The reason for this comedic tragedy? China, it seems, hath dared to impose export restrictions on rare earth minerals, those precious morsels essential for crafting computer chips. Our dear President, ever the dramatist, took to Truth Social to pen his lament:
And would you believe it, the beastly thing crossed the $900,000 milestone over the weekend, having rustled up a whopping $902,096 thus far – quite the sum for a pup that’s still learning its manners. 🚀
The firm’s CEO, Tarek Mansour, announced on X that Sequoia and a16z led the round, with a chorus of others-Paradigm, Coinbase Ventures, General Catalyst, CapitalG, Spark-and a constellation of names that read like a salon guest list: Kevin Hart, Kevin Durant, Rich Kleiman, Mantis, Kevin Yorn. The air is thick with risk and charm, a curious blend indeed.
The claim from the White House was that Beijing is “very hostile” and, unsurprisingly, that someone has been lying. If you listen carefully, you can hear the room where the adults used to speak now being taken over by a chorus of economists with a sense of melodrama that would make a soap opera blush. 😅