Crypto news

On the weekly chart, the trend line, which has all the grace of a drunken giraffe, slopes downward from the dizzying heights of yesteryear. It converges with the 0.786 Fibonacci retracement at around $0.167, a number that now seems as distant as a forgotten childhood dream. Dogecoin, bless its heart, has slipped below this critical level, clinging to the multi-year trend line like a cat to a tree branch, currently wobbling around $0.157.

Now, Bitget can legally frolic and offer crypto-related services in the land of the free (to use Bitcoin, that is) – El Salvador, the world’s first country to give Bitcoin a big, official hug 🤗 in 2021.

Back in the balmy days of April 2021, four illustrious whale addresses staked a staggering 1.79 million Solana (SOL) tokens, a treasure trove valued at a mere $37.7 million. Fast forward to April 4, when the grand unlocking occurred, heralded by Arkham Intelligence as “the largest single-day unlock of staked SOL.” A momentous occasion, indeed! And yet, the next such spectacle is not expected until 2028. Mark your calendars! 📅

As the overall crypto market plummets into a veritable abyss, with altcoins falling like autumn leaves, it appears Filecoin decided to don its best party hat, further embellished with the announcement of its new FILE/KRW trading pair. Ah, the allure of local currency! How quaint. The price leapt from a humble $2.7123 to a rather top-notch $3.0317 in mere moments—truly a performance worthy of the stage. As of this very moment, FILE is flirting with the $2.76 mark, up 5.40% in the last 24 hours, a number that certainly charms the unseen traders with visions of profits akin to mirages on a hot summer’s day.

Michael Saylor, the man at the helm, has constructed an elaborate financial rollercoaster that’s thrilling to ride but a nightmare to build. Picture this: Strategy’s stock is now like the family dog, with more Bitcoin “exposure” than a sunscreen salesman in Bali! 😎 Their preferred shares promise double-digit yields like they’re handing out candy on Halloween, but don’t be fooled — there’s a catch, and it’s as big as my last self-help book purchase.

Mon ami, Arthur Hayes, co-founder of BitMEX, has declared that the economic chaos caused by that scamp, U.S. President Donald Trump, will inevitably lead to a monetary easing cycle, which, in his view, will propel Bitcoin (BTC) to dizzying heights.

So, CZ and Kyrgyzstan’s bigwigs signed a fancy piece of paper (MoU, if you’re feeling formal) that’s basically a pinky promise to turn Kyrgyzstan into a digital finance superstar. They’re talking tech upgrades, blockchain bootcamps, and making Kyrgyzstan the place to be for crypto nerds. 🤓

Meanwhile, the financial markets are as stable as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest! 💥 Fears of an economic slowdown are swirling around like a bad smell after a bean feast, all thanks to Trump’s tariff antics that were stronger than grandma’s secret chili recipe! 🌶️

But wait, it gets better! These not-so-nice gentlemen decide to make Rodrigo’s stay a little… cozy. They lock him up in a tiny space, pump him full of sleep aids, and give him the five-star treatment of being beaten up regularly. And while he’s in dreamland, they help themselves to his bank account, swiping a cool $50 million. Or was it R$250 million? Who can keep track when you’re being robbed in your sleep?

Alas, the cryptic cosmos of cryptocurrencies has taken a rather melodramatic turn! Major coins, in a splendid pirouette, have reversed their early gains upon the unfurling of Beijing’s tariff tapestry, a news flash hot on the heels of President Trump’s Wednesday whimsy of imposing additional levies on China and a plethora of other nations. Ah, the intricacies of economic folly! 🎭