Crypto news

One might inquire, dear reader, if there is any hope for this beleaguered ticker. Well, a flicker-perhaps a candle in a storm. According to PiScan, the forthcoming month’s token releases have slowed to the pace of a tortoise instructed by Lilliputian bureaucrats, which could, nay, must, alleviate selling pressure. But ChatGPT, that sphinx of sentiment, remains as optimistic as a rain-soaked optimist in a teapot. “Bearish,” it declared, “mostly bearish. The crowd’s ardor has withered like a soufflé in a drought.”

Yet, industrious analysts propose this tale of downfall extends far beyond mere tariffs, diving deeper than the common man’s reach. “Ah, the age-old aria of ‘but why?’, intoned by the eternal retailer, wearily attributing a seismic crypto slump to a singular incident,” quips Santiment in their enlightening Saturday missive.

If buying miraculously pushes the RSI above 31 (that magical number where traders pretend to understand charts), Pepe might theoretically reclaim $0.000009. Or it might not. Who knows? Certainly not the guy who spent $4.97 million on 600.88 billion tokens – he’s currently rocking back and forth in a corner.

Enter Robert Kiyosaki-the financial world’s most flamboyant alarmist and author of Rich Dad Poor Dad, a book so widely translated (over 50 languages!) that one suspects it’s propping up failing economies all by itself. 📚🌍 With the poise of a man who’s never quite overestimated his own advice, he has once again taken to social media to tell the masses what to invest in-because nothing says “financial wisdom” like a tweet with a rocket emoji. 🚀

This was marked by major product updates, compliance milestones, and community-driven developments.

Friday was nothing short of a dizzying rollercoaster ride for the crypto markets, with digital assets flailing their arms as they tried to recover from one of the wackiest trading days ever recorded in the land of eco-friendly computers. According to the fancified charts from derivatives platforms, over $20 billion in long and short positions went poof! in just 24 hours – the largest single-day wipeout in crypto history! Now, doesn’t that just tickle your fancy?

Trump, in his infinite wisdom, took to his social media platform to announce that tariffs on Chinese goods would double and that strict controls would be put on software exports. He even went as far as calling China’s actions “hostile.” A statement that, naturally, had the world’s markets reeling. What followed was chaos. Equity markets crashed, oil took a dive, and, of course, the crypto market was hit the hardest, with investors scrambling to safety in gold and U.S. Treasuries. Oh, the drama!

In a plot twist nobody saw coming, Trump decided that a 100% tariff on China was just what the crypto world needed for a little excitement. Yes, folks-watch as your digital wallets disappear faster than your neighbor’s BBQ leftovers. Just like that, we witnessed the biggest single-day crypto liquidation in history. The silver lining? Investors are nudging each other awake, throwing caution to the wind, and shouting “buy the dip!” as Bitcoin valiantly hovers in its favorite spot around $105K-$110K. And for those with the guts, grab those altcoins like $PEPENODE, $SUBBD, and $TUT while you’re at it!

The masses are divided, like a cat with two mice. Some cry, “Justice at last!” while others hiss, “Foul play!” 🐭🐭

The markets, ever the dramatic chorus, wailed in unison as $900 billion evaporated into the ether. A mere $19 billion in liquidations? A trifle, my dear reader, but enough to send 1.6 million traders into the abyss of despair. Oh, the humanity! Or should I say, the *cryptohumanity*? 🤡📉