Crypto news

To make matters worse, over $1 billion in crypto liquidations have been wiped out in the last 24 hours. It’s a bloodbath, folks. And all of this madness can be traced back to the usual suspects: the ever-charming US-China trade conflicts and the wonderful chaos brought on by President Trump’s latest tariff moves. Cardano, too, is caught in the crossfire, dropping to $0.55 — a 13% plunge amid the frenzy. It’s like watching a sinking ship, and ADA’s lifeboats aren’t looking too good right now. 🚢

Ah, but Sigel, ever the astute observer, illuminates the curious phenomenon of digital assets already frolicking in the fields of energy trade—a trend that could very well accelerate faster than a caffeinated rabbit on a sugar high, thanks to Trump’s tariffs. He points to the recent revelation that China and Russia are engaging in a clandestine tango with Bitcoin and other digital assets to settle their energy transactions, while Bolivia, in a fit of crypto enthusiasm, announces plans to import energy using cryptocurrency. Meanwhile, in the land of baguettes and berets, French utility giant EDF is reportedly pondering the delightful idea of using surplus electricity to mine Bitcoin instead of sending it off to Germany. Oh, the irony! 🍞⚡

Alas, in the most recent 24 hours, the global crypto market cap plummeted with all the subtlety of a lead balloon, descending by 11% to a paltry $2.37 trillion, as per the ever-reliable sages at CoinMarketCap. One might reminisce fondly to early November 2024, when the digital asset market cap dared to dip below the exalted $2.4 trillion mark, coincidentally just before the US presidential election’s curtain fell.

Alas, despite this brief moment of glory, Bitcoin’s hashrate has since plummeted back to below 0.95 ZH/s by April 7, as reported by the ever-watchful BTC Frame. Such fluctuations are, of course, the result of the various methodologies employed to calculate hashrate, which include the whims of block times, the caprices of difficulty adjustments, and the particular nodes and miner pools selected for data extraction. One might say it’s a bit like trying to measure the height of a particularly elusive giraffe.

According to Tokenomist (who, we assume, spends their days counting virtual coins instead of sheep), we’re facing what the ancients call “cliff and linear unlocks.” It’s rather like watching a digital version of lemmings jumping off a cliff, except these lemmings are worth millions. 🦊

To put this in perspective, imagine someone telling you in 2016 that your 1 exahash would one day be multiplied by 1,000. They’d have been laughed at harder than a dwarf trying to sell beach property in Ankh-Morpork. 😆

Alon Cohen, the fearless co-founder of Pump.fun, just announced on X that they’re rolling out these “industry standard moderation systems,” complete with rules they claim are “transparent” (insert eye roll here). The new Livestream Moderation Policy is supposed to create this super safe environment—like a cozy blanket—where we can be all creative and engaged, but also not, you know, break any laws, harass people, or do sketchy stuff. Because apparently that’s frowned upon. 🤷‍♂️

The stock futures, like wistful souls lost in an endless winter, have sunk a dismal fifteen percent over three days. One might almost imagine a poet lamenting, “Ah, a depression returns!”—a sentiment so wry it tears a reluctant smile, despite the heavy air of despair.

At precisely 8:15 AM UTC on that fateful April day, as if the heavens had decreed a slow but sorrowful retreat, the TDS token fell over 20%, witnessed by the beleaguered markets of Asia, Europe, and the United States. Even the grand monuments of crypto, Bitcoin (BTC) and Ethereum (ETH), were not spared from this cosmic dance of loss.

This legal drama, part of a larger case filed in October 2024, seeks to halt the restructuring of user assets without their consent. The court, in its infinite wisdom, has given the government two weeks to respond. Meanwhile, the case has ignited a firestorm of concerns over user rights and data protection. Because, let’s face it, nothing says “trust us” like restructuring someone’s crypto without asking. 🙃