Crypto news

And just when you thought the drama couldn’t get juicier, enter Trader Tradigrade! This crypto whiz tweeted out an observation that could make even a seasoned historian raise an eyebrow. Apparently, Dogecoin is having a nostalgic moment, reminiscent of its 2017 shenanigans. Yes, the Gaussian Channel has reared its beautiful head once again, and maybe just maybe, this is a sign that we’re in for some sort of wild, meme-driven resurgence. Or it might just be a ruse to get more clicks—who can say? 🎢

“The recent tariffs are about as welcome as your least favorite relative at Thanksgiving—they’re gonna boost inflation and might even bring on a recession,” Dimon laments in his annual little rant to shareholders. “Whether this tariff menu leads to a full-blown recession is still up in the air, but it’s definitely going to slow down growth.”

Just a day after the grand launch of the REAL token on April 5, it tanked faster than my self-esteem after a bad haircut. And no, the crypto market crash had nothing to do with it—this was all on the team, who managed to snag a mere 31% of their presale goal. Talk about a confidence booster! 🙈

Tokenization, they explain, with the patience one reserves for explaining the obvious to a dim-witted cousin, is the transmutation of the tangible into the digital. Real estate, stocks, even *art*—all rendered into neat little tokens, traded on the blockchain like so many digital trinkets. A next-gen alternative, they say, to our slow, clunky financial system. As if the world needed more ways to complicate things. 😒

Ah, but what a jest it was! A rumor, as fleeting as a summer breeze, was swiftly cast aside, leaving behind a trail of confusion.

On April 4th, like a rabbit leaping from a magician’s hat, Metaplanet decided to repay these bonds ahead of schedule, dancing gracefully to the tune of “Look at us, we’re responsible!” as if 5 months were a mere bagatelle in their grand fiscal saga. 😏 What a bold statement! And so it was proclaimed, just days later on the 7th, for all to marvel at their spectacular early redemption performance.

SHIB has managed to accomplish what many thought impossible – it’s become even smaller, shrinking by 4.13% in the last 24 hours. The kind of achievement that makes accountants reach for their magnifying glasses. 🔍

Leading this merry band of misfits is none other than Joseph Onorati, now donning the illustrious titles of Chairman and CEO. Alongside him, the ever-enthusiastic Parker White has been bestowed with the dual titles of Chief Investment Officer and Chief Operating Officer. One can only imagine the boardroom banter! 🥳

Nevertheless, one cannot ignore the subtle shifts beneath this gleaming façade – the esteemed Ethereum whales have retreated by a rather alarming 10% since February, hinting rather melodramatically at a potential change in the sentiment of the investor throng.

In a most theatrical display upon the grand stage of X (formerly known as Twitter) on March 5, our esteemed Ju proclaimed to one and all that the Bitcoin bull market has reached its curtains, giving way to the ominous specter of bearish conditions after this calamitous plunge. He cites an array of market indicators that would make even the stoutest heart tremble—Market Capitalization and Realized Capitalization signal that Bitcoin’s rise is now but a distant memory for the next half-year! 🤷‍♂️