On May 17, 2023, Tether announced it would allocate up to 15% of its net realized operating profits to purchase bitcoin, not to back USDT (heaven forbid!), but to strengthen its balance sheet with a long-term store of value. Because, darling, why settle for mere stability when you can have opulence? 🤑
Le ministère chinois, dans un acte de grande piété (ou de stratégie habile, qui sait ?), déclare qu’il est prêt à « renforcer le dialogue » et à divertir, comme un jongleur habile, avec ces controversés contrôles d’exportation de terres rares, qui ont mis le feu aux poudres. Un pas en avant, un pas en arrière, tout cela pour assurer « des chaînes d’approvisionnement plus solides » – ou peut-être pour garder la meilleure place au bal, qui sait ?
A modest reversal from Friday evening’s carnage in crypto markets is underway after some calming trade war-related remarks from both Beijing and Washington. It’s like watching two toddlers argue over a toy, then suddenly decide to share it - assuming the toy is a bunch of digital tokens, of course. 😂
Guy Young, the architect of Ethena Labs, proclaims with the fervor of a man defending his honor that the USDe synthetic dollar’s fall on Binance was naught but a mere oracle’s folly. “An internal oracle issue,” he declares, as if the oracles themselves had turned traitor, whispering lies into the ears of the exchange. The collateral? Immaculate. The Ethena protocol? Flawless. The token? A paragon of virtue. Yet, the price plummeted from $1 to $0.65, a fall so precipitous it would make Icarus blush. 😇
The 1-hour chart for XRP is a masterpiece of indecision, a ballet of lower highs and lower lows. It’s consolidated between $2.35 and $2.50, as if it’s waiting for a bus that may never come. Trading volume? Shrinking faster than a cheap suit in the rain. Narrow-range candles? Oh, they’re there, whispering sweet nothings of apathy. Swing positions? Avoid them like a bad first date.
Not quite. The investors, bless their hearts, are still making a profit. So, the full capitulation and emotional reset? Still waiting. Get your popcorn, folks 🍿.
By Shayan (aka the bearer of bad news)
The sage Crypto Sensei, with a wave of his metaphorical hand, declares the market awaits the arrival of spot XRP ETFs like a society matron at a ball. Approval, he muses, could stir the slumbering masses into a buying frenzy. Yet, XRP’s liquidity is as scarce as a sincere smile at a Moscow salon. A mere whisper of inflows or outflows can send its market cap spiraling like a leaf in an autumn breeze. Retail investors clutch a modest $2 billion, while Ripple, ever the hoarder, sits on $35 billion in escrow and another $5 to $7 billion for on-demand liquidity. Institutions, those cold-hearted custodians of wealth, hold the reins.
And the poor souls caught in the crossfire? Liquidated. Annihilated. $19 billion worth of positions reduced to digital dust! A veritable financial massacre! One almost feels… pity. Almost. (But really, who invests such sums in something as inherently unstable as… well, *this*?) The bounce, predictably, was brief. A desperate gasp before the inevitable return to a dismal, unsettling calm around $112,000. The market cap, diminished, humbled, now sits trembling below $2.230 trillion. A pitiful sight, honestly.
In a very cryptic Saturday post on X (formerly Twitter, where else would the drama unfold?), Eye spotted something quite peculiar. The whale’s main wallet, “ereignis.eth,” which sounds suspiciously like a secret agent name (it means “event” in German, for the cultured among us), is mysteriously linked to another ENS name, “garrettjin.eth.” Hmm, coincidence? Probably not. And if that wasn’t enough, this all leads to Jin’s very own verified X (Twitter) account @GarrettBullish. You’ve got to love the confidence there!