Crypto news

Simon Walls, the FCA’s markets executive director, spoke with the enthusiasm of a farmer tending to a particularly stubborn crop. “We’re adjusting the rules,” he proclaimed, “so tokenization can bloom like dandelions in a blockchain breeze.” And why not? The UK, according to Walls, could be the next big thing in tokens-assuming it doesn’t trip over its own bureaucratic shoelaces first. “We want asset managers to feel the confidence of a man who’s just won the lottery… or at least a small rebate on their taxes,” he added, with the optimism of a man who’s never owned a stock.

Investigators whispered that the culprit was Binance’s “fragile pricing oracles,” which relied on internal orderbooks instead of external wisdom. USDE, bnSOL, and wBETH-three poor tokens-were doomed to be liquidated during market mayhem. 🧨

At this very moment, Pi Coin stands at the crossroads of cautious optimism and fading strength. Which path will it take? No one knows. Let’s dive into the chaos.

The Blockchain Recovery Investment Consortium (BRIC), the group tasked with cleaning up Celsius’s financial mess, announced the deal. And who are these noble folks? A merry band of investment firms GXD Labs and VanEck, who joined forces to recover money from the complicated wreckage of crypto bankruptcies. They sound like the Avengers of the blockchain world, don’t they? 🦸‍♂️🦸‍♀️

Volatility still dances like a feral cat on a hot stove, but derivatives whisper that sellers are slowing their tango with doom. Could this be the moment UNI gathers its courage to tackle the $8 wall? Only time will tell-or maybe a few more crypto bros losing sleep. 🤷♂️

Chen Zhi, the mastermind behind the Prince Holding Group (no, not that kind of prince-more like the “hold my beer and watch this” kind), is currently playing a thrilling game of hide-and-seek with the Department of Justice. Meanwhile, Uncle Sam has gleefully pocketed the spoils, private keys and all. How they got their hands on those keys? Well, that’s a mystery deeper than the bottom of a dwarf’s beer barrel. 🕵️♂️🔐

On October 14, the Department of Justice (DOJ) filed a civil forfeiture complaint to take control of the seized Bitcoin. The government claims this is the largest crypto seizure ever-because when you’re talking $15 billion, who’s counting the small stuff? 😒

This upgrade, the second act in a three-part tragicomedy known as the Fusaka roadmap, follows the Holesky testnet’s debut on October 1st. Sepolia, ever the diligent understudy, now takes center stage to stress-test the network’s new data-availability system and its audacious block gas limit. Soon, the Hoodi testnet will inherit this theatrical burden, a final dress rehearsal before the mainnet’s December premiere. 🎭🔍

Meet Garrett Bullish (alias: “I Absolutely Did Not See This Coming, Officer”), whose online sleuths swear is one “Garrett Jin.” In a X meltdown, he swears he’s never met a Trump, never mind taken clandestine tips from one. His defense? “I’m just really good at staring at charts while the world burns!” 📉✨ The controversy allegedly started after Binance’s CZ casually dropped Bullish’s personal info like a mic drop, turning the internet into a digital lynch mob. 🕵️♂️

Grab your sake and hold onto your bitcoins, folks, because Japan’s crypto darling, Metaplanet, is in a pickle! 🍣🥒 Once hailed as the digital gold pioneer, it’s now trading cheaper than its own Bitcoin stash. Talk about a symbolic crack in the market’s faith-or maybe just a bad case of crypto constipation. 💩💰