Category: Crypto news

Let’s break it down: 60.9 billion DOGE were moved, reaching a seven-day high. That’s right, we’re talking numbers so big, they make your head spin. You think you’re doing well with your crypto, but then you see a number like that and you wonder if you should just quit and buy some Dogecoin instead. For the record, the seven-day low was 12.97 billion DOGE—because, apparently, whales are taking naps at the beginning of the week. They need their beauty sleep.

Now, launching a token in Web3 is a little like opening a restaurant and forgetting to tell the chef, the patrons, or even the mayor with the comically large scissors. The ZORA token hit the market in true Pratchettian style: i.e., with chaos, confusion, and a price drop sturdy enough to shatter a dwarfish anvil. No one announced the launch until two hours after trading started. Social media, ever the compassionate and balanced voice of reason, exploded in a chorus of, “Wait, what?” and “Where’s my airdrop?”

Wall Street’s biggest brains are now sprinting after crypto. Goldman Sachs is throwing spaghetti at the blockchain, betting on three core things: trading crypto, lending your precious Bitcoins in exchange for some cold, hard cash, and “tokenizing” regular, old assets. In other words, they want to make your real estate portfolio more like Pokémon cards—but with more paperwork and fewer Pikachu.

Wilks and Mukherjee were supposed to be the grown-ups in the room, guiding us through the labyrinthine world of crypto taxes. But instead, they’ve opted for the “voluntary resignation program” under the Department of Government Efficiency (D.O.G.E.). A program that apparently only gets more popular the more complicated things get. 🏃‍♂️💨

According to CoinMarketCap—which is the only thing traders trust after their gut—TON’s been slipping and sliding down to $3.10, clinging to support levels like they’re dangling off the edge of a subway platform. Yet, even while it’s doing its best impression of a Yo-Yo, TON managed to out-market-cap SHIB. If you’re surprised, welcome to crypto, where logic takes a holiday!

Apparently, the only altcoins stealing a bit of Bitcoin’s thunder are the new kids on the blockchain—fresh, sparkly, and still optimistic about the world. The old-timers? Bless them, they’re trudging behind, barely getting noticed. If you’re waiting for a dramatic altcoin comeback, best grab a snack and get comfy. 🥱

Word of this grand eviction came not by raven or singing telegram, but via the digital bazaar known as X (née Twitter, for those whose monocles are still adjusting). The drama unfolded thusly: Coinbase, with all the circumspection of a butler inspecting the silver, declared that thanks to a recent and possibly rather severe bout of reviewing, the following coins shall be sent packing: Galxe (GAL), Litentry (LIT), Mines of Dalarnia (DAR), Orion Protocol (ORN) and PARSIQ (PRQ). The execution date is set for May 16, 2025, at or around the tea hour—specifically 2 p.m. ET. Toodle-oo, old chums!

This week, gentlefolk, our investors are clapping on their wigs, swept away by Bitcoin’s mad rush towards $100,000, while institutional grandees dust off their old playbooks, and the world of NFTs hosts a legal séance worthy of the Greek tragedies. But I assure you, dear reader, the plot thickens beyond valueless numbers – yes, even you, cousin Bob.

Among the shiny things in his care, O’Leary crowed about USDC, yielding a dainty 3.82%—better than burying your money in the bank and waiting for the worms to find it. Seems he’s also got a piece of Circle, the fine folks who manufacture this USDC coin—so he collects money from both ends, like a toll booth in a rush hour. For this whole adventure, he says he won’t put more than 5% on a single horse, and not more than 20% on one trail, even if that trail points to the land of crypto riches.