Category: Crypto news

Thus, a new firmness of purpose imbues Solana’s campaign—a fragile hope rests on the shoulders of those who persistently refuse to capitulate to despair.

And so, comrades, Bitcoin — that digital Sisyphus, forever shouldering its own boulder up the slope of destiny — remained perched precariously near $95,000. The Canadian election, which promised hope in the form of a pro-crypto prime minister and then cruelly snatched it away, barely ruffled the market’s brow. In the oppressive silence between fate and fortune, all eyes flickered toward looming economic data, as if Friday’s non-farm payrolls report might contain some final reckoning — or perhaps only another absurdity.

James Seyffart, who spends his days digging through the ETF mines like a gold prospector looking for a good story, gave the world a reality check. Many a soul had been hollering, ‘The ETFs are coming! The ETFs are coming!’ Well, James stepped out of the social media saloon to let everyone know: ProShares is not launching an XRP ETF. Not on April 30, not on any date scrawled onto a napkin by some wild-eyed social media cowboy.

At this moment, BTC is chilling slightly above $95K like it owns the place. Weekly performance is so perky, it could land a Calvin Klein campaign: 8% up this week, and 14% in the last month. But before you pop champagne, the crypto rollercoaster is still in full swing: In just 24 hours, Bitcoin was waffling between $95,598 and $93,498. Talk about a commitment problem.

Prosecutors, those terribly serious sorts, insist on making young Mashinsky the star example of how not to play the crypto game—unless, of course, orange jumpsuits are your fashion choice.

Shiba Inu, the internet’s favorite long-shot puppy, just wagged its tail to a spicy 9% gain over the last seven days. But don’t pop the champagne too soon; it slipped a little—2.44%—overnight, now sitting at $0.0000137 per SHIB. Tiny coins, big drama!

Jeremy Allaire, the visionary Co-Founder and CEO—whose words echo through conferences like gusts through ill-kept windows—proclaimed loudly his delight, with the flourish of a man who’s just found a rouble on the street. The UAE, he claims, gallops ahead as a shining star of ‘responsible innovation.’ Responsible! The word hangs in the air like a bureaucrat’s sigh after lunch.

“Why,” said Allaire, “the UAE stands ready to build, nay, to engineer the internet financial system for the future!” Such ambition hasn’t been seen since Akaky Akakievich first thought about buying a new overcoat, and we all know how that turned out… But let us wish Mr. Allaire better luck, light compliance, and no tragic endings!

In a heartwarming display of digital closure, the venerable Neo blockchain, known in its twilight years as “Legacy,” will be gracefully retired by the end of October. Old code never dies, it just stops updating. Users and developers are being politely (read: emphatically) told to hustle their precious assets and beloved smart contracts over to Neo N3. Yes, before the Big Shutdown, unless you fancy the idea of your tokens embarking on a permanent existential vacation. 🪦💸

Now, the US Dollar Index (DXY) is having what the therapists like to call “a challenging time.” When the dollar is beefed up, crypto sheds a tear in the shower, but when it deflates, crypto gets the confetti out. According to the weekly chart (which probably needs a spa day), DXY just tumbled out of its support structure, and I wouldn’t bet on it climbing back fast. Dollar down = crypto up. If this keeps falling, even your aunt’s favourite altcoin might get a glow-up.

Apparently, the estimable Department of Justice felt compelled to beseech the federal judge for the heaviest of hands in sentencing, given Mr. Mashinsky’s “deliberate” mischief—one might term it the very opposite of a fortuitous misunderstanding. Billions gone, confidence shattered, and the only remorse witnessed was, alas, the stubborn kind reserved for the condemned when confronted by “overwhelming evidence” and an incontrovertibly signed confession. One may wonder if he imagined himself the protagonist of a sentimental novel, directed by a devotion to service so intense it entirely mislaid the small matter of honesty.