Crypto news

Imagine your altcoin being the last one at the party, sipping lukewarm punch while everyone else has left. That’s the vibe when liquidity dries up. 💦

In this age of blockchain and bafflement, our oracle declares that XRP’s price must swell like a summer storm to anchor the tempest of global finance. 🌪️ A mere 5-10% of the world’s value-transfer pie-a modest sliver, mind you-would necessitate such heights. For if XRP were but a penny-ante token, how could it bear the weight of trillions? One might as well ask a sparrow to haul a steam locomotive. 🚂

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And what of the shorts? Oh, poor souls, tossed about like ragdolls in a hurricane. In 60 minutes, $140 million vanished like smoke-poof!-while longs barely coughed up $3 million. The Kobeissi Letter, our most esteemed oracle of chaos, declared: “Recent swings are ENTIRELY… mechanical.” One wonders if they mean mechanical bulls or something far less forgiving. 🤯

Our dear Kevin O’Leary, the man who could squeeze a penny until it screams, has declared the crypto market a chilly affair. ❄️ Only two coins, he says, are worth their weight in digital gold. The rest? Just a bunch of noisy, useless tokens flapping about like headless chickens! 🐔

The crypto market’s ascent, dear reader, is less a revolution and more a sigh of relief after a particularly rowdy sell-off. Improved liquidity and sentiment-modest as a peacock’s feather-have nudged the total market cap from $2.92 trillion to $3.02 trillion in mere hours. Altcoins, those oft-neglected stepchildren, have joined the revelry, their market cap swelling by 2.5%. Ah, but let us not mistake this for a grand awakening; markets, when cornered, often perform a Houdini act, vanishing only to reappear with a flourish.

And in the grand theatre of finance, Goldman Sachs-ever the cunning fox-prepares to gobble up Innovator Capital Management for a princely sum of around $2 billion. A deal that would make even the most seasoned banker chuckle (or cry). While crypto’s name isn’t explicitly shouted in the announcement, this union cements Goldman’s position as a formidable player in the ETF arena, where Bitcoin-linked products are now the hottest gossip at the financial cocktail parties. 🥂

Ripple’s XRP, along with the rest of the cryptocurrency market, has been through the wringer-think of it as a particularly dramatic episode of “The Bachelor” where everyone’s crying and no one’s getting a proposal.

A total of 35,386,697 SHIB were burned in the past day, representing a 1,726.32% rise in daily burn rate. The amount of 116,664,862 SHIB were burned in the last seven days, marking a 148.46% increase in weekly burn rate. 📈 The more you burn, the more you… well, you burn. It’s a vicious cycle, darling.

At the moment, ETH is trading around $2,800 with a market cap of $337.7 billion-because nothing says “financial stability” like a three-digit number followed by “billion.”