According to the ever-eloquent Andrei Grachev, who shared the news on X (formerly Twitter, for those still living in 2023) on December 22, 2025, the trade was settled using the ancient rituals of bullion custody and settlement systems. The counterparty? A mystery. The price? A secret. The vault? Shrouded in enigma. 🕵️♂️🔍
Shares, once strutting at $6, now cower at $5.12, a fall more dramatic than a forgotten actor’s career. After-hours trading sees them lingering at $5.35, according to Google Finance, a number as uninspiring as a lukewarm cup of tea. Since Monday’s Nasdaq opening, Ethzilla has shed 21% of its value, and a staggering 95% since its August peak of $100. Ah, the fleeting nature of success! 🍂
On the first day of January 2026, crypto platforms shall find themselves at the behest of the mighty EU sword: MiCA and DAC8. This fascinating ceremony of documentation will command these platforms to gather transactional breadcrumbs, balances in every nook and cranny, and the relentless flow of funds. All these pearls of information shall be gently whispered into the eager ears of the EU tax authorities, under the revered baton of DAC8, by the year’s end. 📜🔍
The stock took a sealoving 7.5% nosedive, as if someone dropped the whoopee cushion stock market parody in there at the worst possible time. Investors are probably like, “Uh-oh! Down the rabbit hole with crypto, anyone?”
So, this whale-let’s call them “Captain Bad Decisions”-decided to close a three-month PUMP position and ended up $12.22M poorer. According to OnchainLens and Nansen (the Sherlock Holmes of blockchain), the wallet dumped 3.8 billion PUMP tokens into FalconX on December 23. 🎭💸
Cryptollica’s latest “analysis” says Dogecoin’s doing a “familiar four-point fractal.” Oh, great. Now we’re getting into the “I’ve seen this before” nonsense. Remember when they said Bitcoin was a bubble? And then it wasn’t? Just kidding, it was. But hey, maybe this time it’s different! Or maybe not. Who knows? The market’s a mystery, like your ex’s new partner.
Vaneck, a firm that makes spreadsheets sing and graphs waltz, released a report titled “Plan for 2026,” which is just code for “We have opinions and spreadsheets!” It predictably proclaims Bitcoin will be “stronger, steadier, and less prone to existential meltdowns”-unless 2026 has a vendetta against predictability, which it might. 🤷
“Given where the volatility is right now, it would be very surprising if Bitcoin suddenly decided to yeet itself off a cliff,” Pomp mused on CNBC, probably while sipping a mimosa. Because nothing says “serious financial analysis” like daytime TV.
Apparently, Ethereum has been playing the long game, transforming from a mere peer transfer playground into a “settlement layer” for the serious stuff-Payments for that yacht, buying the universe, or perhaps just paying for yet another overpriced coffee. Who knew? Least of all the wallets containing ‘just a few dollars’.
As the industry marches toward 2026, its fate hinges on which assets can endure the cold, clinical gaze of institutions-and how recession whispers, monetary policy pivots, and stablecoin “innovation” will redefine crypto’s place in the dollar-dominated world. A drama as thrilling as watching paint dry. 🎭