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Bull Market Madness: Analyst Claims Crypto’s Long Winter is Over, Gets Existential About Altcoins

BBG News

In the dim-lit rooms of financial speculation, where men stare at screens as if they were Dostoevsky characters wrestling with their own guilt, Michaël van de Poppe sits with furrowed brow (or perhaps it is merely caffeine withdrawal). He shares with his congregation—a mere 784,800 disciples on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter, and currently known as humanity’s attic for unhinged ramblings—a revelation: Altcoins, those fickle, wandering orphans of the crypto world, stand at the threshold of a bull market. Yes, a new chapter in the novel of unreason!

Three omens, three spirits—the holy trinity of bullish momentum—are at work. First: the world’s men in dark suits have decided that financial conditions ought to “ease.” Liquidity, that most intoxicating of spirits, flows freely once more. Quantitative easing: like a Dostoevskian vodka binge, but for economies. China, bold and unrepentant, stokes the printing press; Europe, with romantic resignation, lowers interest rates as if composing a melancholic symphony; and the United States, unable to resist temptation, stands ready at the printer—“brr,” as the meme prophets say. Is this salvation, or just another lurch into financial delirium? 💸

The second harbinger: Gold. That ancient symbol of both human greed and the abyss. It has soared to $3,500 per ounce, a summit as dizzying as Raskolnikov’s feverish dreams. But when gold peaks, what next? Investors, overcome with ennui, yearn for a fresh vice and cast knowing glances across the smoky crypto tavern at Bitcoin, at Ethereum—at the whole rabble of altcoins. “We stand upon the very edge of a risk-on chasm,” Van de Poppe declares, not even pausing to ask why people still use RSI charts as if they deciphered the fate of Russia herself. “Gold is overbought, ETH is as low as my existential hope. It’s time.” 🥲

The third sign: The mysterious dance of the Chinese Yuan and US Dollar (CNH/USD) ratio—so esoteric it feels like a Dostoevsky subplot, full of implications and plots where no one quite knows who is betraying whom. History, that great prankster, tells us that bottoms for the CNH/USD pair in 2016 and 2019 were matched by altcoins, battered and neurotic, scraping their cycle bottoms before lurching upward in mad euphoria. Now, after the “tariff madness” (for when were tariffs not mad?), Van de Poppe prophesizes another market resurrection. The macroeconomic winds have shifted; somewhere, a bureaucrat sneezes and the crypto-markets tremble.

The longest bear market—four years—has left the altcoins sullen and introspective, like Dostoevsky’s prisoners contemplating escape when the walls begin to crumble. The previous record? A meager 2.5 years; laughable, a mere trifle for these hard-bitten souls. The tables are turning! Gold is fated to stumble, the Renminbi to rise like a reformed criminal, and altcoins shall, with the certainty of Russian tragedy, “fire off.” Whether this is fortune or folly depends on whether you sold, bought, or sat sighing in the corner muttering about existential risk.

The numbers, as cold and honest as Siberian winter: the ETH/BTC pair trades at 0.01894 BTC—about $1,798, or enough to buy a seat on the next train out of market despair.

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2025-04-29 17:42

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