BREAKING: Bitcoin’s Wild Ride as Ancient HODLers Wake Up from 155-Year Slumber! 🚨

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In a turn of events that would make even Woland himself chuckle, dear reader, our beloved Bitcoin performed quite the disappearing act today. 🎭 Much like how my cat Behemoth vanishes with sausages, the cryptocurrency’s rally to $81,180 – sparked by news as reliable as Nikolai Ivanovich’s alibi – has mystically evaporated into the Moscow air.

Oh, what a spectacle! The White House, that grand palace of bureaucratic sorcery, has confirmed 104% tariffs on China (because apparently, 100% wasn’t theatrical enough 🎪). The timing, my friends, is as precise as Margarita’s flight over Moscow – 12:01 am on April 9.

In a plot twist worthy of the Devil’s Ball, we find ourselves witnessing Bitcoin retreating to what traders optimistically call a “safe haven” – though between you and me, dear reader, it’s about as safe as a dinner party at Apartment No. 50. 🏚️

The esteemed Michael van de Poppe, much like Professor Preobrazhensky making his grand pronouncements, declared with absolute certainty: “I don’t know.” 🤷‍♂️ Truly, such wisdom!

But 😱 Yes, you read that correctly – these crypto enthusiasts must have started mining Bitcoin somewhere between the American Civil War and the invention of the telephone. Now that’s what I call diamond hands! 💎

The Exchange Inflow Coin Days Destroyed metric (a name only a bureaucrat could love) is showing suspicious activity. It’s as if all these ancient holders, like vampires awakening from their slumber, are suddenly stirring. And we all know what happens when old things wake up unexpectedly – just ask anyone who’s attended a housing committee meeting. 🧛‍♂️

Will Bitcoin fall to new lows? Well, as they say in the crypto world: “Number go up, number go down.” But remember, dear reader, as we learned in the Master and Margarita, the most fantastic things often happen in broad daylight. 🌞

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2025-04-08 20:54