Bitmine’s Share Surge: A Tale of 50 Billion and ETH Ambitions 🚀

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Key Highlights

  • Bitmine, in a move that would make Jeeves faint, seeks to swell its authorized shares from 500 million to 50 billion by January 14, 2026, lest it be left clutching a teacup while the world races past. 🫠
  • The company, with the tenacity of a bulldog on a tennis ball, doubles down on Ethereum, hoarding 4.07 million ETH and staking $1.37 billion worth-because nothing says “prudent” like staking billions in crypto. 💰
  • Future stock splits? Of course! Bitmine plans to slice shares like birthday cake (20:1 to 100:1, if you please), ensuring affordability even if Ethereum becomes the next “I Owe You a Pound” coin. 🎂

Bitmine Immersion Technologies, Inc. (NASDAQ: BMNR), that most enterprising of enterprises, has implored its shareholders to rubber-stamp a proposal to escalate authorized shares from 500 million to 50 billion. The deadline, January 14, 2026, at 11:59 p.m. ET, looms like a thundercloud over the annual meeting at the Wynn Las Vegas-where one might sip champagne and ponder the wisdom of such a leap. 🍾

In a video message, Chairman Tom Lee, with all the gravitas of a man explaining quantum physics to a goldfish, declared, “Increasing authorized shares will allow Bitmine to conduct capital market activities, pursue mergers or acquisitions, and implement stock splits in the future.” A veritable Everest of ambition, sir. 🏔️

Ethereum Staking and Long-Term Holdings: A High-Stakes Game of Croquet

Since July 2025, Bitmine has treated Ethereum as its fiscal crumpet, with share prices waltzing in lockstep with ETH’s whims. Wall Street, that most fickle of dance partners, has reportedly endorsed this tango of tokens. 🕺

If Ethereum ascends to $22,000 (a figure so lofty it could give a pilot vertigo), Bitmine shares might soar to $500 each. At $250,000 ETH, shares could hit $5,000-though one suspects the public would prefer to trade in Monopoly money. To keep shares “affordable,” Bitmine plans splits so generous they’d make a baker blush. 🥖

On December 31, Bitmine staked an additional 118,944 ETH ($352 million), swelling its staked holdings to 461,504 tokens ($1.37 billion). In December alone, it added 44,000 ETH in a week and 68,000 ETH on Christmas Day-because nothing says “festive spirit” like buying millions in crypto. 🎄

Total ETH holdings now stand at 4.07 million tokens ($12 billion), alongside 3.97 million ETH ($12.2 billion), 193 Bitcoin, a $36 million stake in Eightco, and $1 billion in cash. Total assets? A modest $13.3 billion. One wonders if the company’s accountants have taken up knitting to calm their nerves. 🧶

Supported by institutional investors who’ve likely never met a risk they didn’t adore (ARK’s Cathie Wood, Founders Fund, et al.), Bitmine’s P/E ratio of 2.93 is as appealing as a well-tied cravat. Shareholders are urged to watch Tom Lee’s video, vote on proposals, and attend the meeting in person-or via livestream, for those who prefer their chaos in HD. 📺

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2026-01-03 00:28