The universe, as everyone knows, is big. Really, staggeringly big. Even so, Bitcoin’s apparent urge to defy both gravity and common sense is starting to give the universe a complex.
Enter Kaleo, a cryptocurrency analyst with a suspiciously large following (704,200 souls on X, which is roughly the population of some medium-sized planets), who had the following to say (metaphorically perched on a rock, possibly wearing a towel): should history do that thing where it repeats itself—whether as tragedy, farce, or “number go up” meme—Bitcoin is about to take flight in a way that would make even a bowl of petunias nervous.
You see, dear intergalactic hitchhiker, back in 2020, Bitcoin waited for the stock market (having stumbled over the COVID-19 event horizon) to finish its existential crisis and then immediately engaged hyperdrive, launching to all-time highs. Apparently, the S&P 500 is now—insanely—on the verge of another all-time high, presumably after the United States spent some quality time arguing about tariffs, lunch, and whose turn it is to drive.
The S&P 500, currently at a modestly stratospheric 5,967 points, is apparently a mere 3% off its “I’m king of the world!” peak of 6,147. (If that makes you dizzy, please do not operate heavy machinery.)
Unlike the previous occasions when Bitcoin rallied itself into a froth while everyone else was busy watching cat videos, this time there’s genuine new demand. Actual countries (¡Hola, El Salvador!) and corporations—some of whom previously considered Bitcoin about as useful as soggy toast—are busy stuffing BTC into their reserves. Tesla? Gamestop? All getting in line, apparently just before the space-time continuum implodes.
“This is the first cycle with spot Bitcoin ETFs,” Kaleo proclaims, which is a bit like discovering your towel is now self-drying, self-cleaning, and occasionally whispers stock tips. A whole wave of institutional money—for so long mythical as the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal—may finally be at the launchpad.
Oh, and just to keep things on the right side of reasonable, the United States now has a president who’s “pro-crypto.” If you felt the universe shudder, that was probably why.
Meanwhile, the technology now allows all sorts of things with words like “DApps” and “development layers,” which only prove that if you shout about “infrastructure” long enough in crypto, someone will hand you a lanyard and a microphone.
Current price check: Bitcoin is at $104,143. This is a 7% dip from the previous “nosebleed” high, which honestly just means nobody’s bought a pizza with it this month (and let’s hope it stays that way).
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2025-06-21 23:13