Bitcoin at $300? See What Kiyosaki Thinks You Should Do Before the Apocalypse!

In the vast, billowing theater of fiscal melodrama, where shadows cavort with the coin and every sleight of hand stirs equal tremors among paupers and princes, the man of the two Dads wades once again into the spotlight—a plumed parody of Cassandra in a cravat. Robert Kiyosaki, whose fortune perhaps lies as much in trite aphorisms as in asset reallocation, has tweeted a dark vision upon us—his X audience huddled and shivering, not entirely unlike Dickensian waifs before the virtual hearth.

Kiyosaki, with the air of a beleaguered prophet denied a podium at Delphi, opines that fear of “UNPLOYMENT”—that peculiar, jobless plague—now sweeps the globe. He calls it a virus, though one suspects he would vaccinate with e-books and brisk webinar courses. 😏

Kiyosaki Develops Strategy for Bitcoin’s Imaginary Banana Peel

With a flourish worthy of Scheherazade on her fifteenth espresso, Robert turns the page to a previous work—“Rich Dad’s Prophecy”—in which he foretold, or at least vaguely gestured toward, “the biggest market crash.” If things tumble harder than a gymnast on bad flooring, we may all meet the New Great Depression, which, much like a minor Facebook acquaintance at a party, one sincerely hopes not to recognize.

Yet—ah, survive, adapt, monetize!—crash is, in his merry view, “the opportunity of a lifetime.” (History, incidentally, often finds itself inconvenienced by opportunities of this magnitude.) He fondly recalls the 2008 cliff-dive not as a calamity, but a boozy yard-sale for “real assets.”

Bitcoin, that mythic digital doubloon of the emoji age, he argues, isn’t exempt from this Sisyphean plunge. Kiyosaki, ever the metaphysical imp, suggests if Bitcoin falls to the price of a tattered paperback—say, $300—you face a dire existential thesis: “to cry or celebrate.” Too binary for Nabokov, perhaps, unless you include a third option: to write a novel about either.

Our anxious oracle scampers onward: panic is passé, preparation is chic! (If only “preparation” had a ticker symbol.) He urges his followers to pack their metaphorical go-bags for the coming storm. A Boy Scout with a Cayman account, if you will. ⛑️

Will Bitcoin Buy You a Painted Lady on Lake Como?

Earlier this month, Mr. K issued a Delphic utterance to quicken all speculative pulses: Bitcoin, he claims, will ascend to a cool million dollars by 2035. Not only that—the dullard metals, gold and silver, are apparently set to skyrocket, with gold moonlighting at $30,000 per ounce and silver at $3,000 per “coin” (whatever numismatic fever dream that may be).

Even a mere half-Bitcoin, he insists, may render you richer than Croesus—so long as your sense of humor (and your password) survives the volatility. At present, we are informed, a Bitcoin is worth $94,621—a sum, incidentally, that buys exactly 94,621 lottery tickets, or, in some cities, a modest sandwich.

To sum up: when Bitcoin trips on its shoelaces, you can weep, cheer, or—like Nabokov—wax poetic about butterflies alighting on the ruins of all vanished fortunes. 🦋

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2025-04-30 11:26