Darling, gather round! The inimitable Elon Musk, that modern-day Merlin of mayhem, has unveiled his latest concoction: X Money. Yes, the man who brought us electric cars and Martian dreams now fancies himself a financial maestro. How utterly divine!
Apparently, X (formerly the twittering grounds of Twitter) is no longer content with mere gossip and memes. Oh no! Musk envisions it as the “Everything App,” a one-stop-shop for messaging, shopping, and-heaven help us-personal asset management. How dreadfully ambitious!
Why, Crypto Darlings, Are You Fluttering Your Fans?
In a recent xAI soiree (or “All Hands” presentation, if you must be vulgar), Musk let slip that X Money is already in internal testing. A limited rollout, he cooed, is expected within one or two months. Mark your calendars, darlings-or don’t, it’s all rather tedious.
Since xAI emerged from its cocoon a mere 30 months ago, its “small and talented team” has apparently worked miracles. The future, Musk trills, has never looked more exciting! How quaint.
– xAI (@xai) February 11, 2026
X Money, we’re told, has secured licenses in 40-odd US states and cozied up to payment giants like Visa. How very establishment of them! Musk declares it the “central source of all monetary transactions,” a game-changer, no less. One can only imagine the champagne corks popping in fintech boardrooms.
“For X Money, we actually had it live in closed beta within the company, and we expect in the next month or two to go to a limited external beta and then to go worldwide to all X users. It’s really intended to be the place where all the money is. So it’s really going to be a game-changer,” Musk gushed, presumably while adjusting his monocle.
Musk, ever the dreamer, aims to push monthly active users past 600 million, with a billion in his sights. Analysts, bless their hearts, compare this to China’s WeChat. How utterly exotic!
Naturally, crypto investors are aflutter, spinning tales of Dogecoin and XRP. Ah, Dogecoin-the meme coin Musk once called “the people’s crypto.” And XRP, linked to Cross River Bank, a partner in this financial fandango. Yet, despite the chatter, neither coin has batted an eyelash at the news. How dreadfully anticlimactic!
Dogecoin will become the official currency on X
– Tesla Owners Silicon Valley (@teslaownersSV) August 5, 2023
X Money, it seems, has yet to confirm whether crypto will even be part of its repertoire. But why let facts get in the way of a good narrative? Investors, ever the romantics, continue to weave their tales.
In the coming months, once X Money officially launches, its impact-if any-will become clear. Until then, darlings, let’s raise a glass to Musk’s latest folly. Will it be a triumph, or merely a footnote in the annals of tech hubris? Only time will tell. Ta-ra!
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2026-02-12 13:26