Bridget Jones’s Crypto Diary: That Boring Crypto Bill Actually Passed (I Think?)

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Right, can we just take a second to process this? That incredibly boring, jargon-filled crypto bill everyone’s been muttering about in hushed tones at work, the CLARITY Act? It actually managed to haul itself out of the Senate Banking Committee yesterday with a 15-9 vote that was, against all odds, kind of bipartisan. Now it’s off to the full Senate to get picked apart for the next three months, probably while I stress about whether my $20 Bitcoin investment I bought on a whim after a bad date will ever pay for that solo trip to Italy I’ve been daydreaming about since I was 23.

Unsurprisingly, most of the vote fell exactly along party lines, because apparently politicians can’t agree on anything these days, not even if pineapple belongs on pizza (it doesn’t, for the record, and I will die on this hill). But hold on, two Democrats, Senators Ruben Gallego and Angela Alsobrooks, actually crossed the aisle to vote with every single Republican. Wild. I didn’t think that happened outside of those cheesy 2000s rom-coms where the uptight corporate guy falls for the free-spirited ceramicist who lives in a yurt.

The bipartisan breakdown

The final tally was 13 Republicans and 2 very brave (or possibly very well-bribed, who knows, I’m not a politician) Democrats voting yes, while 9 Democrats voted no. Let’s be real, half of those no voters probably still think crypto is just that thing their 16-year-old nephew uses to buy NFTs of cartoon monkeys, no offense to any monkey NFT holders out there, you do you, I just don’t get it.

HOT Stories (aka the stuff I pretend to understand while scrolling Twitter during my lunch break)

Major Crypto Bill Finally Advances (shocking, I know, I thought it’d get stuck in committee forever, like my attempt to get a boyfriend who doesn’t live with his mum)

Bitcoin at $4.2 Million Puts Saylor Ahead of Elon Musk; XRP Rally Stalls After Hyperliquid ETF Launch; Cardano Hits Millionaire Milestone – Morning Crypto Report (I read the first three words of this and my brain melted, but it sounds important, right? Probably not, but I’ll act like it does when someone brings it up at the pub)

Of course, left-leaning Senator Elizabeth Warren was one of the no votes, total shocker. She’s been ranting about this bill’s ethics rules nonstop, like my friend who rants about her toxic ex for three hours every time we meet for coffee. Senator Mark Warner has also stopped short of advancing the bill despite acknowledging some positive changes, because apparently politicians can’t commit to anything, not even when it’s about whether you should bring a plus one to a wedding you don’t want to go to.

Republican leaders, including Senator Thom Tillis, describe the passage as a “strong bipartisan compromise,” which is politician speak for “we had to give up half the stupid stuff we wanted to get anyone to agree to this, and now we’re pretending it was a good idea the whole time.” The Bitcoin Policy Institute, an influential lobbying group that definitely doesn’t have any ulterior motives at all (cough, cough, big crypto donors), has stated that this is a “tremendous” victory for the cryptocurrency community. Sure, Jan. Just like how my “diet” is a tremendous victory when I only eat one chocolate biscuit instead of three.

“Historic day for crypto and for the future of digital assets in America. Grateful for the countless hours from lawmakers and staff to strengthen this legislation. Big improvement from where we were in January on rewards, tokenization, DeFi, and CFTC authority. I’m proud we stood up for our customers in that moment, and the bill is better because of it,” Coinbase’s Brian Armstrong has stated, in what was basically a very polished, corporate version of me gushing when I finally managed to get a refund on that broken juicer I bought last month.

“This is how America wins,” crypto mogul Mike Novogratz wrote in another post, like he just scored the winning goal in the World Cup, not like a bill that might get vetoed by a different politician next week anyway. Classic overexcitement, I swear crypto bros get hyped over anything.

He then posted this very earnest tweet, which I’m 90% sure he drafted while wearing a custom “I <3 Bitcoin” hoodie and eating a $15 avocado toast:

A real moment for American competitiveness. CLARITY clears Senate Banking 15-9, bipartisan. Thank you @RubenGallego and @Sen_Alsobrooks for the courage to cross the aisle, @SenLummis and @berniemoreno for years of work, and the @WhiteHouse for leaning in. Finish the job on the…

– Mike Novogratz (@novogratz) May 14, 2026

The cost of compromise

Several amendments had to be negotiated in order to secure the necessary level of support, because surprise surprise, nothing in politics is ever free.

There was a significant compromise regarding an amendment from Senator Cynthia Lummis to secure the passage of the bill, the kind of backroom deal that would make even the most dodgy market trader at Borough Market blush.

Some DeFi advocates, for instance, are concerned about stripping BRCA language. According to them, this could make the sector vulnerable from a legal standpoint. They’re already throwing a massive fit about it, saying it’ll leave their whole sector open to getting sued into oblivion if things go wrong. Discussions on this issue will continue in the coming weeks, which is great, just what we all need, more political yelling while we’re trying to figure out if we can afford to buy an oat milk latte this week.

The next move 

High-level regulators, including SEC Chairman Paul Atkins, have already expressed their optimism regarding the passage of the CLARITY Act on social media, which is definitely not just a very convenient photo op for him, no sir.

Atkins congratulated the Banking Committee and stated he looks forward to President Trump’s signature on the legislation, as if that’s a guaranteed thing and not just a very hopeful guess.

Industry leaders and lawmakers alike are bracing for continued debate over the “plumbing” of the U.S. financial system and the future of decentralized technology, which is just a fancy way of saying “we still have no idea what we’re doing, but we’re going to argue about it anyway.” Place your bets now, folks: will this bill actually do anything, or will it get thrown out in six months when the next election cycle starts? I’m betting on the latter, but what do I know, I still don’t understand how my phone works half the time.

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2026-05-14 22:46