Bitwise’s 11 New Crypto ETFs: A Russian Drama in 3 Acts 🎭

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So, Bitwise-yes, that asset manager with ambitions larger than a tsar’s ego-has filed for not one, not two, but eleven new altcoin ETFs. Eleven! As if the financial world weren’t already confusing enough, now we must endure a parade of digital trinkets wrapped in regulatory red tape. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, that solemn monastery of financial sobriety, has been handed yet another petition from the land of “to the moon.”

The list of tokens-AAVE, UNI, ZEC, ENA, HYPE, SUI, NEAR, Starknet, TRX, Canton, and TAO-reads like incantations from a cursed blockchain spellbook. “Zcash!” they chant. “Starknet shall arise!” One half expects a dramatic pause and a tolling bell. If approved-big if, mind you, as likely as a warm spring in Siberia-these funds might, just might, stagger into existence around mid-March 2026. Springtime. When hope is reborn, and so is speculative mania.

Hybrid Structure, or How to Kiss the SEC’s Hand Without Licking It

In a move as subtle as a drunk borscht-seller at a state dinner, Bitwise is employing a “hybrid structure.” That is: 60% of the fund actually holds the real cryptocurrency-imagine that, tangible bytes!-while the rest is a bouquet of futures, derivatives, and other paper promises that no one truly understands but everyone pretends to.

It’s the financial equivalent of serving kvass at a royal wedding-technically traditional, mostly fermented, and just legal enough to avoid exile. This setup appeases the SEC, those guardians of investor sobriety, while giving Bitwise enough rope to hang itself later. Progress!

Why ZEC, SUI, and TAO Are (Apprently) Important

Oh, Zcash (ZEC), that enigmatic monk in the world of privacy coins, cloaked in cryptographic robes. Grayscale already mumbled a prayer over it, converting their trust into a spot ETF-esque relic. Now Bitwise enters the confession booth. Is redemption near? Or just more paperwork?

Then there’s SUI, which, like a well-tailored coat, Bitwise hinted might one day be offered in a fully spot form. A luxury item in a world of knockoffs. And TAO? Ah yes, the AI-linked token, where geeks and futurists whisper of machine enlightenment. Reduced inflation! Growing adoption! They might as well call it “Crypto Messiah, Version 1.0.”

Momentum, or the Theater of Financial Hope

These new filings follow Bitwise’s recent triumphs: that Solana ETF, the XRP flirtation, and the inevitable Dogecoin fund (because of course-can’t ignore the peasants’ favorite). And if you squint at the Hyperliquid amendment, you might see a faint “HYPE ETF soon” written in vanishing ink. Magic, or regulatory gaslighting? You decide.

With 11 essays submitted to the SEC, Bitwise is not so much knocking on the door as leaning on the bell with their forehead. If even one passes, it might crack open a path for “respectable” people to invest in altcoins without feeling like circus attendants. But then again-this is the SEC. They once delayed a Bitcoin ETF longer than it took Tolstoy to write War and Peace.

Never Miss a Beat in the Crypto World! 🥁

Stay ahead with breaking news, expert analysis, and real-time updates on the latest trends in Bitcoin, altcoins, DeFi, NFTs, and more. Because heaven forbid you miss the day when SUI finally outpaces a garden snail.

FAQs (Frequently Avoided Questions)

What are Bitwise altcoin ETFs?

Delicate financial soufflés made from digital dreams and regulatory eggshells. They invest in altcoins so you don’t have to explain “DeFi” at family dinners. Regulated exposure, mostly.

Which cryptocurrencies are included in Bitwise’s new ETFs?

AAVE (lending), UNI (swapping), ZEC (hiding), ENA (earning), HYPE (rushing), SUI (suing?), NEAR (approaching), Starknet (denying), TRON (seducing), Canton (confusing), and TAO (philosophizing). In short: everything except Doge with a diploma.

When could Bitwise altcoin ETFs launch?

Mid-March 2026, the same date optimism reserves tickets to. If the SEC approves. If the markets hold. If the bear doesn’t eat the bull. If we’re still humans and not AI avatars by then. So, maybe.

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2025-12-31 10:26