Coinbase’s New Crypto Obsession: Will It Save Your Savings or Just Your Sanity? 🚀💸

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While the crypto market is currently doing that awkward “late-quarter consolidation” dance, Coinbase is flexing its bullish vibes like it’s hosting a crypto confidence conga line. 🕺

In a bold move that screams “we’ve got tokens to spare,” the U.S. exchange has crammed three new cryptocurrencies into its ecosystem-because nothing says “I trust the market” like hedging your bets with gas tokens and AI agents. 🤖

Beam crypto: The Star of the Show (or the Punchline?)

Beam [BEAM] is now fully live on Coinbase, thanks to its noble mission as the gas and governance token for a gaming subnet on Avalanche. Because who wouldn’t want to trade a token that powers DAOs and makes NFTs cry? 😭

After a gloriously confusing Auction Mode (where you could post orders but not actually buy anything-thanks for the thrill!), BEAM is now in “limit-only mode,” because nothing says stability like restricting market orders. 🎭

Merlin Chain: Bitcoin’s New BFF (or Ex?)

Coinbase is launching perpetual futures for Merlin Chain [MERL] on December 18th. Why? Because Bitcoin needed a Layer 2 solution that uses ZK-Rollups to do smart contracts-because blockchain’s first love, Ethereum, was clearly doing it wrong. 🤡

Traders can now hedge their MERL bets via Coinbase Advanced, while institutions get their own VIP lounge. Because nothing says “democracy” like separating retail from the big boys. 🚪

Theoriq: AI Agents or Just a Fancy Calculator?

Theoriq [THQ] is here to automate DeFi tasks like yield farming and treasury management. Because who has time to manually optimize their crypto portfolio when you can outsource it to a robot? 🤖

But remember: send THQ over the wrong network, and it’s goodbye, forever. Because Coinbase loves a good “perma-loss” surprise. 💀

Auction Mode: The Art of Not Losing Your Shirt (Market Stability Edition)

Coinbase’s rollout strategy is like a dating app for crypto: start with a 10-minute “get to know you” phase, then move to a “you can match but don’t panic” stage, and finally… hope for the best. 🎲

Price Action: A Rollercoaster of Emotions

While Coinbase’s stock (COIN) is partying like it’s 2021, the tokens are throwing a pity party. BEAM barely nudged up 0.44%, MERL dipped 0.63%, and THQ plummeted 58.71%-because 60% was just too much to ask. 📉

Bitcoin: The Uninvited Guest at the Party

BTC is currently stuck near $86k, with the Coinbase Premium Index screaming “U.S. demand is dead.” If Bitcoin crashes to $82k, expect these new tokens to do the crypto equivalent of a sad TikTok dance. 🕺

Final Thoughts

  • Coinbase’s token obsession is peak energy. The market? Just trying to survive another day. 🚀💸
  • THQ’s 58% drop is a reminder that in crypto, even “modular AI agents” can’t save you from FOMO. 😂

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2025-12-17 21:27