Sacks vs. The Times: A “Nothing Burger”? 🍔

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Ah, the delicate dance of power, influence, and…well, investments. Our esteemed White House AI and crypto czar, David Sacks – a man clearly burdened by a surplus of competence 🙄 – has deigned to respond to The New York Times. It seems they’ve dared to suggest a connection between his governmental duties and…his financial well-being. The audacity!

Mr. Sacks, via the modern-day equivalent of a town crier (X, naturally), informs us he’s “debunked in detail” their allegations for the past five months. Five months! Yet, the Times, those relentless peddlers of…truth (perhaps?), persisted. And published. A “nothing burger,” he proclaims. A culinary insult, to be sure. One suspects a touch of pique.

“Anyone who reads the story carefully,” he adds, with the air of a professor explaining astrophysics to a goldfish, “can see they strung together a bunch of anecdotes that don’t support the headline.” It’s always the anecdotes, isn’t it? Such bothersome little things, facts. 🧐

Now, Mr. Sacks is, let’s not forget, a co-founder of Craft Ventures. A firm concerned with… venture-ing. And Senator Elizabeth Warren, that tireless investigator of the politically connected, pointed out last May he might, just might, profit from the crypto policies he is formulating. A truly scandalous thought!

He purged over $200 million in crypto holdings, or so they say, although one does wonder if such things can be “purged” or merely…re-allocated. A charming $85 million of that was directly his, but fear not! He retains interests in “illiquid investments” – the kind that whisper promises of future fortunes and evade the prying eyes of regulators. Such prudence!

Sacks retains 20 crypto investments, The Times reports

The Times, bless their persistent souls, dug further. Apparently, Mr. Sacks holds 708 tech investments, 449 dedicated to the wonders of Artificial Intelligence (the future, you know) and a modest 20 linked to crypto. All conveniently poised to benefit from his policies. A coincidence? Perhaps. Though one might suspect the universe has a rather dry sense of humor. 😂

Craft Ventures, it turns out, has a significant stake in BitGo, a company specializing in stablecoins (those digital tokens everyone is so sure will revolutionize banking…eventually). BitGo plans to go public. And, naturally, Mr. Sacks was a champion of the GENIUS Act, a piece of legislation that many believe will unleash a torrent of institutional investment into stablecoins. Foresight? Or self-interest? Draw your own conclusions, dear reader.

And the AI connections? Oh, they’re plentiful. Companies soaring in value, fueled by White House enthusiasm and Wall Street money. It’s a beautiful synergy, really. A magnificent machine of wealth creation… or something.

The ethics waivers, provided in March, promised a divestment. But details, those pesky details! No mention of when the assets were sold, or the exact value of the remaining holdings. A subtle omission, perhaps? It’s all so very… bureaucratic. 😇

NYT created “bogus narrative,” says Sacks

In a dramatic flourish worthy of Dostoevsky, Mr. Sacks unleashed his legal team (Clare Locke, naturally) upon the Times, accusing them of a pre-determined “hit piece” and “willful mischaracterization.” A “bogus narrative,” they cried! The indignation is almost palpable. It reminded me of my uncle arguing with a waiter about the consistency of the borscht.

His spokesperson, Jessica Hoffman, assured the Times that Mr. Sacks has followed all the rules. And the Office of Government Ethics, in a statement that will undoubtedly be scrutinized for years to come, agreed he should sell some investments, but not all. A nuanced position, to be sure. It’s never simple, is it?

Mr. Sacks’ role is limited to 130 days, carefully managed to stay within the bounds of legality. A logistical marvel, truly. Like a tightrope walker balancing on a stack of regulations.

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2025-12-01 06:24