Congress Thinks They’re Fixing Crypto by 2025 😂

by
Key Takeaways

  • Congress is pretending to care about crypto laws by 2025. Because who wouldn’t want to wait four years for clarity? 🙄
  • Drafts exist? Sure. Senate committees working weekends? Because crypto can’t wait for their coffee breaks. ☕
  • Coinbase is hyping a Dec 17 “reveal.” Spoiler: It’s probably just a fancy compliance checkbox. 🎉

Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong claims Washington has shifted from “should we regulate crypto?” to “how fast can we screw this up?” Their new timeline? December 2025. Because nothing says “urgency” like giving yourself four years to figure it out. 🕒

Instead of hiring lobbyists to sit in meetings, Armstrong’s “collaborating” with Congress. Translation: He’s probably in a room telling politicians, “If you mess this up, your kids can’t buy crypto with their allowance.” Congrats, Brian. You’re living the dream. 🏛️

MARKET’S SCREAMING, BUT CONGRESS IS “WORKING” ON IT 🤪

Armstrong’s whispering in senators’ ears: “We’re drafting laws at Starbucks now!” Because nothing builds trust like late-night coffee-stained drafts. 📝

What Congress Is Actually Doing Right Now

The Senate Agriculture Committee has the draft. The Banking Committee’s “working weekends.” Because crypto can’t wait for their usual 9-to-5 bureaucracy. Next, they’ll pass a law while eating lunch. 🥗

This is the most “legislative progress” crypto’s ever seen. Wow. You could fit all their past efforts into a shoebox. 👟

Regulation Isn’t the Only Thing Coinbase Is Preparing For

Armstrong insists regulation is “half the story.” The other half? Coinbase is prepping products for Dec 17. Because why wait for laws when you can drop a press release and call it “strategic”? 🚀

The implication: Regulation isn’t a burden-it’s a marketing tool. Because nothing screams “trust us” like a company scrambling to comply before the rules even exist. 🤞

Why This Moment Matters Beyond Coinbase

Clean U.S. crypto rules would finally let companies stop tiptoeing around regulations. But now they’ll have a 1,000-page handbook instead of guesswork. Progress! 📘

Armstrong urges everyone to “pressure lawmakers.” Because why let politicians do the work when you can guilt-trip them with hashtags? #MakeCryptoGreatAgain 🤷

Crypto regulation isn’t theory anymore. It’s a full-time job for Congress and a PR stunt for Coinbase. Welcome to the future, folks. 🌐

Disclaimer: This article is for entertainment. Do not use it to invest. If you do, you deserve whatever happens. 🪙

Read More

2025-11-19 18:42