Coinbase’s Quirky Combo: Tech Stocks, Crypto and a Dash of Dust

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Well, hold onto your bowler hats, ladies and gentlemen, because Coinbase is about to turn the old financial apple cart upside down! Rolling out a futures product that’s got more layers than a Wedding Cake, this shiny new offering will track the superstars of US tech stocks, crypto ETFs, and even, if you can believe it, Coinbase’s own shares-like a financial cocktail that’s more BOOM than Blarney! 🍸🤨

Coinbase Derivatives clucked on Tuesday about their latest brainwave: the “Mag7 + Crypto Equity Index Futures,” launching on September 22nd-precisely the sort of thing to make your grandmother’s eye twinkle. This index will parade around the “Magnificent 7”: Apple, Microsoft, Alphabet, Amazon, Nvidia, Meta, and Tesla, along with BlackRock’s Bitcoin (BTC) and Ether (ETH) ETFs, and naturally, Coinbase’s own stock-because why not add fun to the fray? 🎩🚀

“There’s never been a US-listed derivative that combines both equities and cryptocurrencies in one tidy bundle,” said Coinbase, probably with a little self-congratulatory cough. Their new device would give exposure to “asset classes that have traditionally traded separately,” like two cats stuck in a closet-bound to cause a ruckus! 😅

This marks Coinbase’s first jolly jaunt into derivatives since snapping up Deribit, the granddaddy of crypto options and futures, for a hefty $2.9 billion-roughly enough money to buy a small island or at least a very fancy sandwich. Crypto derivatives volume boomed last year by 132%, and 2025’s first two quarters are already tongue-twistingly above $20 trillion-more zeros than a novelist can count! 💸📈

Retail traders, hold your hats! 👒

Every component of this index will be evenly distributed at a jaunty 10%, with the bigwigs-yes, the institutional clients-getting first dibs. Details on how the hoi polloi can get their slice of the pie will be revealed soon. Rest assured, the common herd will be able to join the party in the months ahead. 🎉

The contracts will be monthly, cash-settled affairs-like a subscription you never knew you needed, each representing a neat dollar multiplied. Coinbase also promises quarterly rebalancing, so the index stays as spry as a greyhound on race day, with MarketVector providing the official nudge. 🐕

CEO Brian Armstrong, sporting a grin as wide as the Grand Canyon, announced that more products like this are heading down the pike as part of their “everything app” scheme. Their plan? To be the Swiss Army knife of the crypto world: wallet, trades, payments, social media, and more-all under one ridiculously ambitious umbrella. ☂️🤯

We’re launching the first US futures that give exposure to the top US tech stocks and crypto all at once.

More goodies are coming!

Mark your calendars-September 22!

– Brian Armstrong (@brian_armstrong) September 2, 2025

Meanwhile, trading on Coinbase’s platform has been hotter than a Havana summer, with daily volumes routinely topping $5 billion, and a record-breaking $9.9 billion on August 25-proof that Uncle Sam’s money is in the game, big time. 💥

Kraken’s coming to play, too! 🎭

The cheeky Kraken launched its own crypto derivatives platform, NinjaTrader, back in July after snagging the company for a cool $1.5 billion four months earlier. This makes Kraken’s U.S. customers just about ready for their own wild ride into the traditional derivatives markets, aiming to be the one-stop-shop of trading mayhem-and, frankly, who wouldn’t want that? 🧙‍♂️

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2025-09-03 02:56