Crypto Chaos: Was It All Just a Giant Offshore Real Estate Scheme? 🤯

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Right. So, it appears some people are getting rather cross about a digital mixing service called Tornado Cash. Federal prosecutors, those paragons of excitement, have presented evidence – *evidence!* – suggesting one of the founders, a Mr. Roman Storm, was moving rather substantial sums of money through a platform called Binance (apparently a digital bazaar of some sort) and, get this, coordinating with co-founders to… buy offshore real estate. Honestly, it sounds like a plot from a particularly poorly-written spy novel.

A Special Agent from the IRS-CI (a rather intimidating acronym, frankly), a Mr. Stephan George, claims to have traced over half a million dollars worth of something called USDT – which sounds suspiciously like a type of digital bird seed – from a Binance account allegedly controlled by Mr. Storm. It was moved on August 9, 2022. A date which, as far as I can tell, is perfectly unremarkable. It was then distributed across three wallet addresses. Three! The sheer audacity.

Storm Allegedly Sent $2.6 Million Each to Co-Founders

Apparently, there were chat logs. Oh, the chat logs. Prosecutors brandished these before the jury like they were the Crown Jewels. In one, Mr. Storm casually mentioned:

“I overloaded 8 million yesterday.”

Eight *million*! One wonders if he got a loyalty card. Another message, equally nonchalant, stated:

“I sent you guys 2.6 million each.”

Agent George, in a display of breathtaking deduction, declared this indicated Mr. Storm had “control” and “access.” Profound, really. 🧐

AUSA: What does this tell you?
Agent George: That Roman Storm has control over that Binance account. And you can conclude that Mr. Storm also had access to 2.6 million.

— Inner City Press (@innercitypress) July 23, 2025

And then, things took a turn for the dramatic. A message requesting someone “fing open various offshores… and to buy real estate.” Because obviously, that’s a perfectly sensible thing to do on a Tuesday. Meanwhile, a Mr. Semenov reportedly said:

“I will send some TORN later, to avoid getting busted.”

One assumes the prosecution is rather pleased with themselves. They’re arguing this all proves “intent to obscure” and “profit.” Shocking. Truly shocking. 🙄

96% of Tornado Cash Users Relied on Web Interface

An expert, a Mr. Philip Werlau from a company called AnChain.AI (because everything needs a slightly terrifying AI component these days), testified that 96.2% of users accessed Tornado Cash via a user interface. A UI! As opposed to, presumably, shouting commands at it in ancient Sumerian. The Lazarus Group, apparently a shadowy organization, only used the command line after sanctions were imposed. A deliberate attempt to avoid detection, naturally. It’s all so…predictable.

However, the defense pointed out that the smart contract pools became “immutable” in May 2020. Immutable! Meaning, apparently, that neither Mr. Storm nor anyone else could change them. Which is a bit like building a very complicated sandcastle and then being surprised when the tide comes in. They also clarified the UI didn’t handle transactions directly. It was all Ethereum‘s smart contracts. Blame the contracts, naturally.

And then there was an email. An email! Judge Failla warned the jury not to believe it. Which, given the general air of unreality surrounding this whole affair, seems like fairly sensible advice. 🤔

This first witness in Roman’s trial immediately caught my attention bc the victim was a classic Pig Butchering case.

The only issue is….uh…..those scammers don’t use Tornado Cash? And they never have?

So, like, wtf?

— Tay (@tayvano_) July 18, 2025

The inclusion of the email may be related to concerns about a mistrial, but no motion was filed. Which is just typical. Everything’s always complicated.

What’s Next in the Tornado Cash Trial

The prosecution is almost finished. They expect to rest their case tomorrow morning. A hearing on something called “Chainalysis expert testimony” is still pending. Chainalysis… sounds like a particularly unpleasant medical condition.

The defense is preparing to argue that Tornado Cash is immutable and that Mr. Storm wasn’t really in control. Good luck with that. It’s all just a bit…much, isn’t it? 🤷‍♂️

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2025-07-24 01:12