FTX’s Global Block Party: Billions on the Line and 49 Countries Out in the Cold?!

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FTX, the erstwhile crypto carnival that once promised to make us all billionaires by Tuesday, has thrown another spanner in the monetary works. They’ve toddled off to the courts—armed, one presumes, with an army of alarmingly expensive lawyers—for approval of a new claims bonanza. The twist? If you happen to reside in one of 49 jolly jurisdictions where crypto is about as welcome as an in-law on the honeymoon, you may find yourself cut out of the party altogether. 🥳🚫

This revelation, delivered to the masses by creditor champion Sunil (one imagines him waving a flag, or perhaps a rather lengthy spreadsheet), involves a plan so tangled that even Jeeves might furrow his brow. The court filing strokes its chin over “potentially restricted foreign jurisdictions,” which is legalese for “places where your average crypto-token is considered contraband, forbidden fruit, or simply a bit too modern for local tastes.”

The sums at stake would make even Aunt Agatha blink: billions of bucks (or whatever digital equivalent currently survives). All this as the FTX estate—still recovering from its 2022 tumble—nervously checks the ledger and tries to calculate “how much, and to whom?”

If you’re in China, congratulations—you win for “most likely to be disappointed,” with a mighty 82% of the disputed claims value emanating from your fair shores. Russia, Egypt, Morocco, North Korea, and 44 other nations play supporting roles in this unfortunate performance.

FTX: Restricted countries
Disputed claims

49 Jurisdictions -5% allowed claims in restricted countries 82% of value in China

Due to local laws that 1) crypto currency trading is not permitted or 2) distributors not allowed

— Sunil (FTX Creditor Champion) (@sunil_trades) July 3, 2025

The master plan, if such we may call it, is to give those from restricted jurisdictions an automatic seat in the “Disputed Claims” waiting room. Only if FTX summons a local legal wizard to say—“Yes, go on, pay the chap!”—will your pocketbook see daylight. If not, well, “So sorry, better luck in your next bankruptcy.”

And it gets better! The restless creditors shall receive—via the ever-reliable email or, for the nostalgic, post—notice that they have at least 45 days to object. Should they wish to protest, a little administrative obstacle course awaits: sworn statements, legal waivers, a gentle nod to the court, and presumably a stiff drink.

If no polite cough is heard by the deadline, or if the court decides against you, your nation’s status is forevermore “restricted.” Payouts—yes, even that alluring interest—will be confiscated and sent winging back to the FTX Recovery Trust, the closest thing crypto has to a lost-and-found box.

For the lucky few whose claims aren’t entirely dashed, there’s still the small matter of paperwork, pre-distribution rituals, and ensuring your homeland hasn’t returned to the restricted list before pay-out day. Picture Sisyphus, only with a digital wallet and a lot more emails from FTX Support.

FTX insists, rather valiantly, that they’ll hire some locals with briefcases to double-check if the disbursement is legal (“We just need one more letter from the Ministry!”), but critics have already commenced throwing digital rotten tomatoes.

the spectacular implosion of FTX itself. Once helmed by Sam Bankman-Fried—a chap whose business sense could charitably be described as “creative”—the mighty exchange toppled when billions in customer funds went gallivanting off to sister firm Alameda Research, never to be seen again. The fallout? More than a million creditors left with little more than digital bread crumbs. Mr. Bankman-Fried is now acquainted with the legal system in ways he probably hadn’t planned. 🎩⚖️

And thus continues the crypto caper of the century: full of dashed hopes, global intrigue, and the sort of procedural muddle that makes you want to stuff your wallet in a mattress and take up gardening. 🌱💸

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2025-07-06 16:35