Bored of Gold? Trump’s Crypto Guru Says America Will Bathe in a $20 Trillion Blockchain Jacuzzi

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A pale, wintry light stretched over Washington’s corridors, where the machinery of government grinds with all the grace of a locomotive in a blizzard. Here, amid the gray suits and grayer ambitions, the specter of stablecoins rises—cryptocurrency shackled (in theory) to the dollar like a domesticated wolf, docile enough for bankers to pet.

Bo Hines—whose name itself is an anagram of futuristic hope, or perhaps a salad dressing—sits behind closed doors, his fingers trembling above a laptop screen that flickers like Moscow in March. Hines, Trump’s digital asset consigliere, prophesies a future swelling between $15 trillion and $20 trillion, which is either a market forecast or the amount required to buy lunch at a blockchain conference.

Legislation, that lumbering beast, marches forward. Its purpose: to preserve the green-blooded vigor of the U.S. dollar, ensuring it won’t be trampled beneath the hooves of galloping code. With the right touch—a regulatory Goldilocks zone—crypto could become less Russian roulette, more Monopoly for adults. Suddenly, Wall Street bankers might loosen their ties and plunge, with the reckless abandon of poets, into digital coinage.

Some wise men, perched on their towers of spreadsheets and irony, cheer this drama. Rules! Rules will birth stability, faith, and perhaps even tax deductions. Others fear the new regime—the bureaucratic snowstorm that freezes all but the sturdiest flowers, snuffing out innovation before anyone can make an NFT of it.

Bo, ever the optimist, lauds the Genius stablecoin legislation—a mechanism so efficient even Dostoyevsky would weep. Now, Americans can send payments with the speed and randomness of spring mudslides, shielded by transparency and regulations that glint like dimes in the gutter. Forget world wars and moon landings; this, truly, shall keep the dollar strong enough to buy at least three eggs in the coming decades.

He appeals to partisanship fatigue, that craving for unity as rare as cheap Manhattan rent: “We’ve captured the warm bodies of fifteen Democrats,” he assures the crowd, and a cloture vote looms, epic as a chess match between bureaucrats. Should it succeed, capital will pour in—like vodka at a writer’s wake.

At last, in a move celebrated by crypto fans and confused uncles alike, the Genius Act shudders into law. The nation exhales, the blockchains hum, and a new chapter unfolds—a saga of dollars digitized, dreams monetized, and, somewhere in the haze, a chuckle from the spirit of Pasternak. Welcome to the new American epic, sponsored by regulatory approval and the unstoppable yearning to turn electrons into fortune. 🚀💸😏

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2025-07-03 19:17