US Bombs “Obliterate” Iranian Nuclear Sites—But Did They Really? Sarcasm, Intrigue & a Dash of Rubble

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Somewhere between Kansas City and Isfahan, a few American bombers in the dead of night delivered their “Midnight Hammer” with the precision of an over-caffeinated blacksmith—and yet, Iran’s nuclear sites, like that stubborn, mysterious beetle under a stone, appear, inconveniently, unflattened. According to a CNN report, the devastation promised was, as the village postman might say with a sigh, “somewhat undercooked.”

Operation Midnight Hammer: Smoke in the Air, Shadows on the Wall

The fragile truce between Israel and Iran—an arrangement forged by President Donald Trump, who, it seems, is everywhere these days except common sense—clings to life by a thread thinner than the patience of a Russian landlady. Still, at five o’clock (Eastern time), the ceasefire stands, or perhaps leans precariously like a wooden shack in a windstorm. Meanwhile, CNN whispers that their four anonymous sources (all presumably in bathrobes and slippers), believe Iran’s nuclear facilities survived with about as much damage as a tea cup dropped on a feather bed.

In Washington, denial is always in season.

“A few months, at best,” one sly informant told CNN, clearly unimpressed with the American penchant for drama. Meanwhile, the White House, not to be out-theatred, confirmed the assessment existed while flatly refusing to agree with its conclusions. As with most things, everyone remains confident—especially when they’re unsure.

It all began when B-2 bombers—shaped more like dinner plates than anything from Anton Chekhov’s world—rose from Missouri’s plains and vanished east into legend. Fourteen GBU-57 bombs, as heavy as Moscow’s mud after the thaw, descended with the hopes of generals and the skepticism of grandmothers everywhere. And for Isfahan: over two dozen Tomahawk missiles, because if there’s one thing Americans love, it’s making an entrance.

U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth looks like he’s about to sell you insurance—on things he just bombed. 🤔

In a statement absolutely brimming with confidence and old-fashioned American optimism, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth declared the operation a roaring success. Anyone disagreeing, he implied, must be desperately auditioning for the role of Village Dissident.

“Our massive bombs hit exactly the right spot at each target—and worked perfectly,” Hegseth insisted, probably with arms crossed and one eyebrow raised as if the mere suggestion of failure were an affront to the laws of physics. “If you can’t see the devastation, it’s only because it’s hiding so deep beneath Iran that you’d need a Dostoevskian investigator to dig it out.”

Meanwhile, with more conflicting stories than at a rural wedding, independent verification is nowhere to be found. Did the bombs succeed, or did they leave the nuclear sites untouched except for a thin layer of “made in the USA” dust? Only time will tell—which, as any Russian playwright would remind you, is the most unreliable gossip of all. 😏

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2025-06-25 03:27