You Won’t Believe Who’s Washing Dirty Crypto Through Garden Finance! 🚿💸

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Recent revelations, courtesy of the ever-austere Dune Analytics, depict Garden Finance not so much as a garden, but as an entire Versailles of financial exuberance. Q2, it would seem, was a joyous season of flourishing BTC swaps, raucous user impudence, and—if charts are to be credited—fees that would make even the most avaricious hedge fund quail.

In the period since the snows melted, Garden Finance has spirited away a staggering 24,984 BTC—that’s $1.5 billion for those unlucky enough to be paid in dollars—via some 40,571 atomic swaps. (Have you ever swapped an atom? It’s not as glamorous as it sounds.) Fees raked in: 40.11 BTC. Largest single swap? 10 BTC, because size, apparently, does matter.

The Dune Analytics charts trumpet Garden Finance as “the fastest Bitcoin bridge.” A bold claim, as one suspects the only thing moving faster is the exit velocity of laundered funds.

Enter ZachXBT, crypto’s answer to Hercule Poirot, minus the moustache but with more memes. Zach, not one to miss a scandal, has accused Garden Finance of doubling as a laundromat for the twice-rinsed Bybit hack funds—$1.4 billion’s worth, or, as it’s known in polite circles, quite a lot of dosh.

For the sordid details, proceed with caution—and perhaps a stiff drink.

Scandal and Suspicion: ZachXBT Plants a Seed

True melodrama requires a twist, and here Jaz Gulati (founder, possible topiary enthusiast) obliged, crowing about the platform’s success on X and sharing a screenshot belying their honest toil. Alas, ZachXBT, who seems genetically incapable of letting anyone have a good day, called foul.

According to ZachXBT—who investigative sleuths believe is physically unable to type without seething—over 80% of the platform’s shiny new fees came not from plucky day traders but from Chinese launderers, allegedly swapping pocket-change for the Lazarus Group, North Korea’s least subtle export since Kim Jong-un’s haircuts. 🤷‍♂️

Crypto Twitter/X, never one to pass up a free dramatic spat, is baying for blood—or at least a punchy thread.

Garden Finance: “Absolutely Not!” Protestations Ensue

If one is accused of industrial-scale laundering, best to reply posthaste. Jaz Gulati did just that, brandishing a Q4 2024 screenshot as if it were a papal indulgence. “We received 30 BTC long before the Bybit unpleasantness!” he declared, hopeful that screenshots still hold sway over blockchain forensics.

But ZachXBT, who has evidently as much patience as a cat near a full bathtub, retorted with references to incidents involving the DPRK and even WazirX—which sounds like a comic book villain but is sadly not nearly as fun.

Gulati, growing weary of “fake decentralized” slights, called it all nonsense in a manner befitting a minor aristocrat defending his family’s honor after being caught with a horse in the ballroom.

“fake decentralized”, again with the misinformation

— Jaz (@jzgulati) June 21, 2025

Not to be outdone, ZachXBT accused a mysterious “one single actor” of consistently topping up cbBTC liquidity from Coinbase for our favorite international money magicians. At this, Gulati’s fingers hovered on his keyboard, only to be stilled by the weight of implication. One wonders if he was distracted by a particularly lively hedge.

A Chorus Member Arrives On-Stage

After three hours (the crypto equivalent of three centuries), James Scaur arrived, attempting to play peacemaker (or perhaps understudy). Suggesting a Pareto distribution was at play, Scaur opined that just because Lord Liquidity likes to provide more than his fair share doesn’t mean the bridge is a Ponzi scheme, merely that some people have more chips to bet with.

As for blocking hacked funds, Scaur, in the great tradition of technocrats everywhere, deemed it “very complicated,” likely while sighing and rearranging his digital pocket protector.

ZachXBT, in the role of relentless in-law, promptly eviscerated what little hope Garden Finance had left. He highlighted that, since raising the swap cap, only one entity has actually bothered to participate—presumably because everyone else took one look and decided to go fishing instead.

Since the cap was raised for large swaps allowing up to 10 cbBTC it’s only been one single entity fulfilling orders for several weeks.

Idk how you can call that decentralized…

Outside of Bybit funds Garden has minimal activity thus it’s extremely easy to catch the illicit…

— ZachXBT (@zachxbt) June 21, 2025

ZachXBT further recommended, in a masterclass of British understatement, that if blocking hacked transactions isn’t on the menu, perhaps don’t boast about fees so loudly—at least until the airdrop farmers finish sowing discord. 🌱

By now, the only thing growing faster than Garden Finance’s BTC tally is the size of the public brawl on X. Pass the popcorn; the legal scythe might be next.

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FAQs

What happened to Bybit?

Bybit, bless it, met with calamity on February 21, 2025, as hackers made off with $1.5 billion in Ethereum. The culprit? Reportedly North Korea’s Lazarus Group, who have apparently moved on from nuclear weapons to Web3 UX glitches.

What is Garden Finance?

Garden Finance is a “Bitcoin bridge,” forever touting its atomic swaps and intent-driven tomfoolery. If you’ve got BTC and an appetite for drama, they’ve moved over $1.5 billion of the stuff—though don’t ask where it all came from.

How do crypto bridges like Garden Finance facilitate money laundering?

Crypto bridges, with their utter disregard for anyone’s bedtime, shuttle tokens from here to there, perfect for making stolen funds vanish like an ambitious magician. The accusations? Garden Finance was the preferred tollgate for laundering Bybit’s purloined fortune. Not quite the garden party they had in mind. 😏

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2025-06-21 20:25