The Billion-Dollar Circus: Trump’s Grand Bitcoin Heist 🎩💸

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Ah, the marvelous world of Trump Media & Technology Group—where billions are harder to count than Donald’s hair follicles. 💁‍♂️ They’re planning a spectacular fundraiser—up to $12 billion, no less! Because clearly, a little thing like vast riches isn’t enough, and they need more? Perhaps to fund a lunar colony or maybe just more Bitcoin? Who’s to say? 🤷‍♀️

In a move reminiscent of a seasoned magician pulling rabbits from a hat, TMTG announces it will sell everything short of the crown jewels—common stocks, preferred stocks, debt securities, warrants, rights, and units—just an ordinary Tuesday in the world of high finance. They’ve even teased us with the modest price of $0.0001 per share—because what’s more glamorous than penny stocks? 💰

Oh, the costs and turns of this grand financial ballet

They’ll sell 55.8 million shares to the illustrious institutional investors at a cool $25.72 a pop, accumulating a modest $1.44 billion. But wait, there’s more! They plan to mint another billion dollars worth of shares convertible at a head-scratching 0.00%, because why not add a dash of confusion to the mix? 🥸

Their alibi? “We might sell at different prices through various channels,” they say, as if that explanation clears the smog of mystery surrounding their intentions. 🎭

In the words of this venerable prospectus: “We will receive proceeds from our securities, but not from the sale of shares by the securityholders.” Truly, the ethics of finance are a feast for the senses. 🍽️

Bitcoin Bonanza or Just a Fad?

And then—oh, the pièce de résistance—our dear TMTG, in a flash of brilliance or madness, claims to be raising $3 billion to acquire Bitcoin. In less than a day, that figure shrank to about $2.5 billion, garnered through a cocktail of stock sales and convertible notes at a 35% premium—because who doesn’t love throwing money into a digital black hole? 🚀

Their digital treasure is stored securely with Crypto.com and Anchorage Digital—guarded as fiercely as a dragon guarding its hoard. 🐉

As whispers of more Bitcoin purchases swirl around like a tornado in a tumble dryer, one wonders—will the grand $12 billion be funneled into more crypto conquests? Or is this merely a fantastical tale spun for the amusement of the petty bourgeois? Only time, and perhaps a few more stock offerings, will tell. 😏

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2025-06-07 07:37