You Won’t Believe Why the Feds Blame “Late Evidence” on Coffee Breaks!
In the melancholy grandeur of a courtroom graced by the ghosts of law and order, the federal prosecutors—those tireless servants of justice, powered only by lukewarm coffee and a conspiracy of paperwork—stood firm against allegations as old as bureaucracy itself: Had they, in their noble pursuit, hidden away crucial evidence in their case against the co-founders of Samourai Wallet, that cryptic forge wherein men labor for anonymity, intrigue, and, on occasion, a small slice of clandestine profit? 😏
Behold, on the ninth day of May, in the year when the cryptocurrency market once again proved less stable than Prince Andrei’s emotional life, they penned a letter to the Manhattan federal court. Like a czar calming rebellious governors, they rebuffed the request for a hearing—a modern-day duel without seconds—insisting all “known substantive communications” with the Treasury’s esteemed (and probably eternally confused) FinCEN had been delivered months before trial. If only love letters were disclosed so promptly! 💌
“Seven months!” they declared, as if shouting “Seven years of war!” “The defendants will have seven months to digest this missive before their fateful day in court. What more, madam, could be required?” Among the assembled, one could almost feel the collective eye roll.
But on the fifth of May—seized, perhaps, by a sudden sense of existential dread and legal opportunity—the Samourai duo, Keonne Rodriguez and William Hill (heroes or knaves, depending on one’s wallet and conscience), beseeched the court. They claimed prosecutors had sprung a surprise: six months before the grand unmasking, the sages at FinCEN murmured—or perhaps only muttered after too many meetings—that Samourai “would not qualify as a ‘Money Services Business.’” In plainer Russian: no license required. The plot thickens, but never quite sticks.
Yet, with all the implacability of a Tolstoyan general marching stubbornly toward Petersburg, prosecutors charged the pair anyway in February 2024: conspiracy, unlicensed business, money laundering—the usual fare for a slow news week. Charges were unsealed in April. Rodriguez and Hill, for their part, pleaded not guilty, which in their tradition, one imagines, is sacramental.
In the missive of May, the prosecutors insisted they had “acted in good faith.” One might suggest that in federal court, “good faith” is as common as borscht, and usually just as hard to digest. They divulged the intimate details of an informal chat—with FinCEN’s own virtual assets tsar Kevin O’Connor and the enigmatic Lorena Valente. History may forget these names, but let the record show: opinions were stated, hedges were made, coffee was consumed.
The opinions offered by O’Connor and Valente, the prosecutors noted, were as binding as a New Year’s resolution in Moscow: “individual, informal, and caveated.” Even Tolstoy would struggle to find a plot twist here, unless perhaps someone runs off with the samovar.
FinCEN “did not have a sense” of broaching Samourai
The letter, weighty with footnotes and good intentions, recalled an email from the summer of 2023: “Because Samourai doesn’t take custody of the crypto, it strongly suggests—though does not swear upon the Gospel—that Samourai is NOT an MSB.” But—like a thoughtful Russian pondering the meaning of life—the bureaucrats concluded that FinCEN “did not have a sense of what FinCEN would decide if this question were presented to their policy committee.” There is no answer, only endless committees.
Samourai’s legal cossacks argued this call was their ace, “proof” that no license was needed. As Tolstoy might observe: only fools believe bureaucracy lies still while men sleep. Prosecutors pressed on, brushing aside a fresh memo from Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche promising not to prosecute “unwitting violations.” The court “should not consider” it, they thundered, since, in the tradition of Russian legalese, it “may not be relied upon to create any right or benefit.” You try spending that at the bazaar!
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2025-05-12 10:08