You Won’t Believe Where Bitcoin Could Go Next 🚀 (No, Really!)

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After weeks weathering the storm in the barren market steppes, Bitcoin, that radiant harbinger of modern fortune, ascends once again above the mystical $100,000. As for “trade tensions,” perhaps the less said, the better—the czars and lords of trade may squabble eternally, but Bitcoin pays them little mind, brushing dust off its digital cloak and resuming its inexorable march north. The altcoins—those anxious serfs of the blockchain empire—are trying to keep up, but alas, their boots seem stuck in the frosty ground of last month’s despair.

To those still collecting crumbs at $74,000, this majestic surge to $100,000 must seem a fairy tale—yet here we are! Some optimists whisper of $109,000 by candlelight; others sip kefir, bemoaning their dogecoin dreams. The altcoins, meanwhile, huddle together in the dark, longing for their pre-2024 glory, reminiscing about the days when their charts rose like vodka-fueled Cossacks.

Are We Merely at the Prologue of Bitcoin’s Epic Ballad?

Rekt Capital—an analyst as dramatic as a St. Petersburg playwright—notes that in the great cycle of 2017, there were four “Price Discovery Corrections” (does anyone else think that sounds like something a headmaster would say after finding contraband literature?). In 2021, there were merely three. Here in our current saga, Bitcoin has completed but the first, suggesting we may only be lighting the first candle in a potential chandelier of rallies. Great news for the optimists; less great for the faint of heart.

Yesterday, nearly $1 billion vanished from the pockets of overzealous traders—a liquidation festival fit for Tolstoy’s pessimism. Of this, $800 million belonged to those who bet against Bitcoin, presumably now staring off into the foggy steppe, wondering where it all went wrong. As for the sell orders at $109,500, they stand like the doomed garrison at Sevastopol, defiant but, historically, not destined for glory. The chart lines—moving averages, MACD, and the vaunted “bull flag” (who names these things?)—seem to agree: this dance is not over. The crowd sways from fear to greed, pocketbooks opening like Anna Karenina’s diary in a moment of confession.

Will Bitcoin Ride to $106K, $170K, or Are We All Buying Golden Samovars at $200K?

AlphaBTC, who appears to have spent years mapping the hidden trails of price charts, prophesies Bitcoin now treads inside an ever-ascending channel, its nostrils flaring, eyes fixed on at least $106,000—unless, of course, it pauses for a winter’s correction and a spot of existential dread.

Egrag Crypto is positively Dostoevskian in his zeal—should Bitcoin break the mythical $109K, he foresees $170K by year’s end. Changpeng Zhao of Binance, casting aside all restraint, throws out predictions ranging from $500K to $1 million, perhaps forgetting Tolstoy’s caution: happiness tends to come only in retrospect. But should such fortunes come to pass, let us meet at the train station, toast some vodka, and discuss whether this bull market is a comedy, a tragedy, or simply a very expensive farce. 😂💸🧐

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2025-05-09 14:09