Crypto news

You Won’t Believe What Sent Crypto To $3 Trillion (And It’s Not Just Trump)

BBG News
  • Apparently if you shout “tariffs!” in a crowded market, crypto loses its damn mind 🤯.
  • Move over, Wall Street suits—Bitcoin’s now your new Secretary of State. Did nobody see this coming?

That distant rumble you hear? No, it’s not your neighbor unsuccessfully assembling Ikea furniture again—it’s the sound of crypto markets barreling through the $3 trillion ceiling, just as Trump, vaudeville act extraordinaire, promises the UK a trade deal big enough to influence even your problematic uncle’s portfolio.

We’re living in a world where coins dance to the tune of geopolitics. Next up: do Dogecoin holders get diplomatic immunity? 🤔

Tariff Tactics: Return of the Trump (But With More Drama)

Trump’s back in office (hold your applause… or just clap ironically), and he’s dusted off his well-loved tariff hat. Steep tariffs everywhere! If it moves, tariff it. If it doesn’t move, slap a “reciprocal” sticker on it until it does.

Result: panic in trade circles, Wall Street traders clutching pearls, and crypto prices rocketing like they’re trying to escape the group chat. There’s now a baseline 10% global tariff—because math is easier when you keep things round. If you’re exporting steel, aluminum or cars, prepare for 25% tariffs or, as Trump calls it, “just business, baby.”

Meanwhile, the UK shuffled to the front of the line, like that smug kid who’d already finished their homework. Keir Starmer and Trump are set to announce a “tariff relief” deal, which is basically code for “let’s not blow up the whole system before lunchtime.” Tea and negotiation, anyone?

Crypto: Now Hiring For Global Power Moves 🚀

Crypto coins have decided that being volatile wasn’t enough—they’re now geopolitical drama queens, reacting to every hint of diplomacy and tariffs as if it’s an episode finale cliffhanger.

Breaking: Bitcoin, Ethereum, and the usual supporting cast rallied because someone whispered “tariff rollback.” It’s the new butterfly effect: Trump’s tweet in Washington, Bitcoin jumps in Singapore. Who needs central banks when rumors move billions?

Institutions are treating crypto like that new intern—it’s getting all the attention, but everyone’s waiting to see if it completely implodes on its second day. Spoiler: it didn’t, thanks to some very big global moves.

Crypto isn’t just a hedge anymore, darling. It’s a barometer for diplomatic “vibes,” and apparently that means when politicians smile, your portfolio gets a glow-up.

Plot Twist: Trade Talks, But Make It Worldwide

The UK got their deal. Next up: Washington’s speed-dating round with India and Israel, with Japan, South Korea, and Vietnam hovering nervously at the snack table.

It’s all part of Trump’s master plan to “rewire” the global trading order, which sounds way sexier than it is, unless you’re a tariff lawyer. Meanwhile, China and the U.S. are prepping for Switzerland showdown #23, complete with tariffs so high you’d need a Sherpa to get over them (145%! How very extra).

So, where does this leave us? Watching crypto react to every diplomatic sneeze like it’s the apocalypse. If global markets are a reality show, crypto just became the unhinged breakout star—messy, dramatic, and, for now, winning.

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2025-05-09 03:36

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