Coinbase CEO’s $130M Bet: Can Cash and Science Outrun Death?

Picture the snow swirling in Moscow, the candlelight flickering, and Brian Armstrong standing not as a crypto tsar, but as a conspirator against Time itself. Most CEOs nurse coffee and spreadsheets. Armstrong? He nurses secrets, half-finished manifestos, and, apparently, the dream of living to 200. 😏

Between duels on Capitol Hill and grimacing at the calendar, our hero leaps from impassioned Senate pleas to experiments that tickle the very bones of mortality. Regulation and rejuvenation, both on his palate—call it an unbalanced diet for the soul. 🍷🍞

So, friends of Coinbase, take a seat—though not for too long. Standing desks are better for your lifespan. Let’s peer into Armstrong’s latest gambit.

NewLimit Lobs $130M Into the Great Abyss of Time

Armstrong, with co-conspirators Blake Byers and Jacob Kimmel (poetry requires a crowd, even if it’s scientists and investors), just unfurled the sails of NewLimit with $130 million in Series B coin. The world—suitors for a future less wrinkled—now values them at $810 million. Their aim? Epigenetic reprogramming; the secret handshake between DNA and Destiny.

The scientists whisper of medicines—three, no less, destined for your weary liver, promising it can outdrink regret and outlive last year’s resolutions. Trials in humans linger in a future mistier than a Russian field at dawn, but ambition is never impatient. Next, they take on the immune system: a duel with the “largest source of human tragedy”—aging. Someone really needs to introduce Armstrong to Dostoevsky.

Your cast of believers includes the patrons of Silicon Valley: Kleiner Perkins, Founders Fund, and the usual quorum of Collisons and Tans. Imagine an opera where every aria is about protein folding. 🎵

Refuse the Grave: Tech’s Brightest Refuse to Expire!

Armstrong is not lonely atop his pile of aspiration. There’s Bezos storming Olympus, Ellison muttering incantations, and Buterin scribbling equations in candlelit fever. Many are racing; Armstrong’s just bringing the snacks. (And the experimental gene-altering compounds. You know.)

An Ode to Crypto Law: Armstrong’s Side Hustle

He’s not forgotten his coin-flipping brethren. On X (née Twitter), Armstrong serenades the Senate, summoning support for the GENIUS Act—a regulation for stablecoins, promising clarity, order, and perhaps fewer cocktails at Federal Reserve banquets.

The Act proposes a bureaucratic minuet: licensing regimes, reserve requirements, jurisdictional duels between federal and state guardians. Meanwhile, Treasury visionaries warn of stablecoins blooming from $230B to $2T by 2028, blotting the banking system’s balletic choreography. 💸🩰

The stage is set: Brian Armstrong, gambler in fate and finance, alternates between rewriting the laws of money and biology. Why settle for one existential crisis when you can sponsor two at a time? 🧬💀

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2025-05-07 12:50