You Won’t Believe What Happened to XRP, SHIB, and Bitcoin in Crypto’s Wildest 24 Hours 😱

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Well now, folks, gather ’round, for U.Today’s got tales from the digital dustbowl—three wild stories traveled in on the wind.

XRP ETF Dreams? Bloomberg Swats Every Last One—Mourn, Speculators 😑

James Seyffart, who studies the markets with the seriousness of a man guarding his last nickels, popped onto the X platform to put the kibosh on the hot gossip about ProShares rolling out XRP ETFs. Turns out, the ETF launch isn’t happening on April 30th—unless April 30th means ‘a day sometime later, possibly, if the sun aligns with the blockchain gods and the SEC remembers where they put their approval stamps.’ The excitement began with a regulatory filing from April 15th—yep, last week’s rumors come pre-fossilized. So lean back, polish your XRP dreams for a bit longer, and keep speculating, because that’s all you really get for now.

Hackers Swap SHIB Tokens Like They’re Poker Chips—$25 Million Ride to Nowhere 🕵️‍♂️💸

PeckShield, those ever-watchful blockchain detectives, spotted the “Bitrue Exploiter” dropping 150 billion SHIB and 756 million HOT tokens—enough digital dog coins to choke a digital dog—into the ETH pool. After swapping, they sent 1,050 ETH on a fun ride through TornadoCash, where money laundering meets magic show (‘Now you see it, now you legally can’t!’). At last peek, hackers held 5,111 ETH and 16 million DAI, which adds up to the GDP of a small, honest country. Rumor has it, SHIB’s price might start feeling the hangover soon. Hunker down and hold tight, investors—the only thing more volatile than the token is your family reunion when someone mentions politics.

Bitcoin to $200K? Presto Says ‘Just You Wait’—Wallets Crossed 🤞🚀

Peter Chung from Presto—a man with a dream, a spreadsheet, and nerves of steel—popped by CNBC’s “Squawk Box Asia” to insist Bitcoin is headed for $210,000 in 2025. And why not? He says the big sharks (institutions, not underwater ones) are gobbling it up, and with liquidity flowing faster than warnings in a Steinbeck novel, who’s to say they’re wrong? Bitcoin’s already zipped past $95,000, buoyed up by ETF inflows and the sobs of retail traders left waiting at the dock. Chung compares Bitcoin to gold, but with fewer pickaxes and more existential dread. Strap in—it’s going to be as bumpy as a truck ride through Salinas Valley.

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2025-04-29 19:28