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Crypto Meltdown! Bitcoin Faints, Ethereum Staggers, and Solana Has a Lie-Down — Markets in Disarray

BBG News

Darling, if you’d put all your eggs in the crypto basket, you’d be scrambling for an omelette today. The market’s taken a tumble, dropping nearly 3% to a mere $2.63 trillion — practically pocket change in some circles. Grand old Bitcoin (BTC), ever the drama queen, minced up to an audacious $86,397 before collapsing below $85,000 like a debutante with too-tight shoes. As of this page, it’s languishing around $83,400, sipping something bracing and trying not to look embarrassed.

BTC has shed over 2% — the financial equivalent of forgetting your lines at opening night. Ethereum (ETH) was even more operatic, plunging 4% and fluttering below the $1,600 mark to $1,572. Ripple (XRP) nearly fainted, tipping 4% and clinging to $2 by the fingernails. Solana (SOL) swooned as well, landing gracelessly at $125.

As for the supporting cast — DOGE, XLM, LINK, TON, ADA, HBAR, LTC, DOT, and all the other wannabes — they’re down, darling, down. It’s red across the board. If this were a ball, it’d be sponsored by Merlot.🍷

China Sells Crypto Stash to Pay For a New Set of Curtains

China’s local governments, ever resourceful, are pawning off their seized crypto collections since the economy’s cough-cough not at its best. Only — plot twist! — there’s a ban on crypto trading, making the whole process look like a farce written in the dark. With no clear rules, we’re left with chaos, opacity, and a dash of corruption, like a Marx Brothers routine only without the laughs.

To dodge the rules, local bureaucrats are offloading the digital loot offshore through private firms for a bit of cash to brighten the provincial coffers. China, apparently, sits on 15,000 BTC ($1.4 billion for the mathematically challenged) — but in a snubbing-the-nose-at-the-rules move, this may become state pocket money. Arguably, it’s all a makeshift solution — Professor Chen Shi from Zhongnan University rolls his eyes, while lawyer Guo Zhihao suggests the central bank handle these baubles. One suspects neither has bought a meme coin for sport.

Coinbase Predicts The Sun ‘May’ Come Out Tomorrow — Or Possibly Next Quarter

Coinbase, ever the soothsayer, suggests winter is coming for crypto but reckons things might thaw by late Q2, or possibly rebound in Q3 — provided you make the appropriate sacrifices to the market gods. The total altcoin market cap (apparently it’s not all about Bitcoin, shocking!) is down 41% since December 2024, now around $950 billion (give or take a few yachts).

Venture capitalists are also clutching their pearls, with funding a good 50%-60% below the ‘champagne and caviar’ cycle of 2021-2022. Tariffs, uncertainty, and general malaise have everyone at the party checking their watches. Coinbase kindly points out that the classic ‘20% bear market’ rule need not apply to crypto. Groundbreaking. Instead, consider risk-adjusted returns and the 200-day moving average…unless you’re more interested in wild gambling, in which case, godspeed. 🎲

South Korea Requests Apple to Ban Crypto Apps: No More Coins in Your Mobile Kimchi!

Having already pressed Google, South Korea now asks Apple to block 14 crypto apps, whose parent firms are as unregistered and mysterious as an uncle at a family reunion. Apps like KuCoin and MEXC are getting the boot — new installations forbidden, updates cut off.

“In future, the FIU will block access by all virtual asset operators with a simple flick of the bureaucracy’s wand (in consultation with other very important organisations).”

Never has compliance sounded quite so glamorous. 🍏

Semler Scientific: More Bitcoin Please, Nurse!

Who says healthcare isn’t exciting? Semler Scientific — having nibbled on Bitcoin just two months ago — is now raising up to $500 million for an all-you-can-eat crypto feast. The SEC has given them a blank cheque (well, with lots of small print). Proceeds go to more BTC, general expenses, R&D, and anything else that might pair well with digital gold. Analyze that, Freud.

Bitcoin (BTC): The Grand Dame’s Latest Performance

Our leading lady, BTC, lost her sparkle after an $86,512 high, now reclining at $83,701, fanning herself with a copy of Financial Times. The week was a whirligig: dips below $80,000, rebounds to $82,600, and yet another waltz downwards. Volatility? Oh yes. Drama? Always. The crowd gasped as she fell 6% last Sunday, only to rally like a prima donna with a second wind. Gains above $80k are clutched like pearls. Whether she holds the stage depends on new buyer enthusiasm — and perhaps less profit-taking from the gallery.  

CryptoQuant analysts (God bless ‘em) note dwindling exchange reserves and a steady stream of ambitious bulls on Binance, as if her fan club is unwilling to let go. If she drops her bouquet again, though, watch out for another swoon.

Ethereum (ETH): The Melancholy Prince

Poor ETH: forever the understudy, never the star. Struggling to clamber back over $1,600; currently caught in a sideways minuet at $1,572. Analysts murmur that if it slips below support levels, it could easily find itself lounging in the company of $1,000, last seen during June 2022’s great “crypto is over” extravaganza.  

The week was a series of pratfalls: a 12% dive, an intraday retreat to $1,412 (good heavens!) and then a spirited hop back to $1,552. Each day brought rallies, rug pulls, and general confusion. If the next act sees another slip, $1,400 and $1,000 may join the cast party.

Solana (SOL): An Altcoin’s Hangover

SOL, usually sprightly, endured repeated slaps from resistance at $130, fell below $120, then sang a sad aria at $105. Courage returned for a bit — it even looked dashing at $132 — only to flop below the 50-day SMA on Sunday, with buyers and sellers trading barbs rather than coins. Curtains may fall further if momentum doesn’t reappear.

Algorand (ALGO): High Kicks and Sharp Falls

ALGO’s trying to pirouette past $0.20, but bad reviews keep coming. Down 12% to $0.161 last Sunday, but by midweek it jetted back up 17%, only to fumble Thursday’s audition. Currently, investors still hope the party resumes above $0.20, though the cosmic audience remains skeptical.

Bittensor (TAO): Rising, Swooning, and Looking for Applause

TAO ticked all the boxes for a classic week: 11% up on Monday, quick costume change into a 5% drop Tuesday, an 18% encore Wednesday, and so on. Now, it’s waiting in the wings, just above the 20-day SMA, as the crowd watches with popcorn in hand.

Arbitrum (ARB): Volatility’s Favourite Child

ARB started the week with theatrics — fell to $0.241, rebounded, then went all-in as Trump announced a pause on tariffs (who knew presidential announcements had such flair?). Then, the inevitable loss of steam; today it’s trading at $0.278, hoping for a better pageboy haircut next time.

Internet Computer (ICP): Surfing the Waves of Indifference

ICP couldn’t resist some drama — a 9% drop to $4.58, more bumps, and a brief rally over $5, only to tumble back. Now hovering at $4.72 and wondering if anyone’s still watching.

In summary, darlings, the crypto stage is wobbling. Whether you’re a bull, a bear, or just here for the cocktails, at least nobody can accuse this scene of being dull. 🥂

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2025-04-16 17:04

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