The Senate Circus: SEC Grilled Over SBF Drama 🎭

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In the grand theater of Washington, where egos are larger than life and wit is often misplaced, Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana took the stage with a performance worthy of a Greek tragedy—if only it weren’t so painfully American. Before him stood the hapless Paul Atkins, SEC chairman hopeful, enduring an interrogation fit for a weary suspect, all because one Sam “SBF” Bankman-Fried dares to dream of a presidential pardon. 🎩

‘Twas during the March 27 Senate Banking Committee hearing that Kennedy, high on indignation and low on patience, unleashed a torrent of questions upon poor Atkins—most of them revolving around the Bankman-Fried family’s fond donations to Stanford University. Oh, the scandal! One can only imagine the scene: Kennedy sharpening his verbal daggers while Atkins silently prayed for the sweet, sweet relief of lunchtime. 🍴

A not-so-dynamic duo

Not content to leave well enough alone, Kennedy clutched his pearls and urged the SEC to fortify itself against any pardon-related shenanigans. With all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, he declared:

“There should not be two standards of law and punishment for people in America. And every time you come to this committee, I am going to pounce on you like a ninja to find out what the SEC has done because I don’t think the SEC has done a damn thing.”

Ah, what poetic nuance—comparing oneself to a ninja while wielding all the finesse of a bulldozer in a china shop. One can’t help but imagine his colleagues stifling giggles behind their water glasses. 💦

But Kennedy wasn’t finished. Oh no, this was his Shakespearean soliloquy, and he intended to wring out every ounce of dramatic flair, grousing, “I read in the paper that the Bankman-Frieds were trying to get a pardon. They are crooks, and I expect the SEC to do something about it.” Crooks, he says! Is it true? Who knows, but calling someone a crook always gets a good soundbite. 🎤

For those unversed in the soap opera of cryptocurrency scandals, rumblings began in January that SBF’s doting parents, Joseph Bankman and Barbara Fried, were lobbying newly anointed President Donald Trump for a pardon. Yes, the same Trump who’s been busy handing out pardons like Oprah gives out free cars—only this time, no applause followed, just collective astonishment. 🤯

Presidential Pardon Speculations

The Royal Pardon That Wasn’t (Probably)

According to White Collar Support Group executive director William Livolsi—because of course, even criminals have support groups these days—SBF’s pardon dreams are as likely as finding a real-life unicorn. The man noted that unlike Silk Road’s Ross Ulbricht, whose crimes were allegedly “victimless,” SBF’s escapades left a trail of investor tears and losses large enough to fill the Mariana Trench. 🌊

Livolsi also bemoaned the tragic numbers in Ulbricht’s sentencing: two lifetimes behind bars plus 40 years. (One imagines the judge thinking, “Why stop at two lifetimes? Let’s make it three for good measure.”) But alas, Ulbricht had one thing SBF doesn’t—a public campaign promise from Trump to pardon him. Money talks, but campaign promises scream. 📢

SBF Hoping for Miracles

Undeterred, SBF embarked on a media charm offensive, cozying up to Republicans in interviews with anyone who’d dare print his words. Among them: February’s sit-down with The New York Sun and an impromptu March chat with Tucker Carlson of all people. One minor glitch: prison authorities hadn’t signed off on the Carlson spectacle, so off to solitary confinement he went. Solitude is a great place to reflect—or curse one’s PR team. 🤦‍♂️

To quote Wilde, if one is going to sin, they should sin boldly. But alas, it seems that SBF’s sins—and his groveling—shall land him nowhere but further into obscurity. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, and oh, how little the SEC appears to care. What a show! 🎭

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2025-03-27 21:53