Month: April 2025

Our dear crypto analyst, Josh Olszewicz, describes the chart pattern as a “head and shoulders variant mess—Frankenstein’s monster,” which might just win an award for the most irreverent description of an asymmetrical haircut this side of the universe. The left “shoulder” was hoping to catch some rays at around $2.90, before the “head” got too excited at the $3.41 summit and then flopped back down to roughly $3.00 for the right “shoulder,” which no one saw coming.

After a protracted period of repose, our daring trader took advantage of a sudden decline in the value of Ethereum, much as one might seize a fleeting opportunity at a dance. With remarkable composure (and perhaps a hint of audacity), a 20x leveraged position was assumed on Hyperliquid, encompassing 47,253 ETH, summing to an impressive $70.86 million. The venture was initiated at an entry of $1,459, with a rather perilous liquidation threshold of $1,391.

Now, trading a full 70% shy of its erstwhile 2021 glory, dear reader, the inquiry is no longer a genteel “how low can one go?” but rather a scandalously audacious “how much lower might the danse macabre proceed?”

Their balance sheet transformation, leaping from venerable bonds into the arms of a digital currency, evokes the romance of a brooding Russian hero betting his inheritance upon a single turn of the card. Critics may call it folly, but Metaplanet seems to say, “Hold my samovar, comrades, we’ve got Bitcoin.” Perhaps they fancy themselves poets of finance, chanting odes to cryptocurrency while old-world bankers grumble in the background. Time alone will reveal whether this epic flirtation with crypto ends in triumphant riches or a comedic tumble into the proverbial birch grove. Nevertheless, here they stand, unwavering, proclaiming, “Bitcoin forever!”—complete with fanfare and a little side-eye to the doubters 🙃.

Echoing through the corridors of power, Trump’s grand pronouncement sets forth his creed of “America First”—a philosophy that, much like a stubborn stain, refuses to be washed away by global opinion. He insists the tariffs have showered the treasury with mountainous riches, as if each imported good were a golden ticket from a chocolate factory. 🍫 And for those fretting about trade deficits—fear not! The mighty tariffs shall suffice, or so our fearless orator proclaims.

And let’s not forget the broader crypto market, which has decided to join the pity party, shedding 10% of its value like a snake shedding its skin. XRP, the star of this tragicomedy, has lost 14% this week and 25% over the past month. Remember its January high of $3.40? Ah, those were the days. Now, it’s down more than 35%, as if it’s been on a diet of despair. 📉

Observing the debacle in far-off Asian markets, one cannot but draw a parallel to a disastrous promenade where even Mr. Darcy might have lost his composure. Bitcoin, that proud fellow, has descended from its lofty perch near $83,000 to lower grounds of $74,760, thus forsaking a cherished support near $81,000 with all the subtlety of a misunderstood proposal. 😏