🚨 Crypto’s Dirty Little Secret: Billions Down the Drain! 🤑

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The Unvarnished Truth, Darling…

  • 🤯 The pièce de résistance: Bybit’s staggering $1.45 billion loss. One can only assume their security team was sipping martinis on a beach somewhere… 🍹
  • 📊 CertiK’s sleuths analyzed a whopping 197 hacking incidents in Q1. A mere 98 of which occurred on Ethereum, because, well, Ethereum. 🙄
  • 🚫 The sting: a paltry 0.38% of swiped funds were returned by hackers in Q1. Down from 42.09% the previous quarter. How’s that for a decline in customer service? 📉

Oh, the humanity! Blockchain security firm CertiK has spilled the tea: a dizzying $1.67 billion in crypto was pilfered by ne’er-do-wells in Q1 2025, a 303% increase from the previous quarter. Do pardon the investors weeping in the corner… 🤑

Now, now, dear investors, don’t be too glum. This figure does represent about two-thirds of the total amount swiped throughout 2024. Silver linings, and all that rot… 🌫️

Aside from the Bybit debacle (really, the elephant in the room), CertiK pored over 197 hacking incidents, with nearly half (98, to be precise) occurring on Ethereum. Because, as we all know, Ethereum is the gift that keeps on giving… 🎁

The supporting actors in this crypto-thriller include the $71 million Phemex caper in January and Infini’s $49.5 million exploit. One wonders if they’ll ever catch a break… 🤦‍♂️

And the award for “Most Creative Way to Steal” goes to… phishing attacks! 🎉 A staggering 81 incidents involved swiping victims’ credentials. Private key compromises? A mere 15. Amateur hour, indeed… 🕰️

The cherry on this rather unappetizing sundae? A meager 0.38% of stolen funds were returned in Q1. Down from 42.09% the previous quarter. February was particularly generous, with a whopping 0% returned. Zilch. Zero. The big goose egg… 🥚

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2025-04-02 13:24