Vanderpump Rules alum Stassi Schroeder recalls ‘twisted and cruel’ moment she sent self-harm pictures to her husband: ‘I’ll live with that guilt forever’
As I read through Stassi’s harrowing account of her struggle with self-harm and suicidal thoughts, I couldn’t help but feel a profound sense of empathy for this remarkable woman. Her journey is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, and her courage in sharing her story serves as a beacon of hope for those who may be struggling with similar feelings of despair.
Stassi Schroeder acknowledges that she will carry feelings of guilt for the rest of her life following an instance where she shared photos of her self-harm scars with her husband Beau Clark, which she now considers one of her most despicable and manipulative actions.
In her recently published memoir titled “You Can’t Have It All,” the former star of Vanderpump Rules, aged 36, openly discusses her personal battle with self-mutilation and discloses past battles with suicidal ideations, even contemplating leaping from a building.
At one particularly embarrassing and wild point in time, Stassi remembered an instance where she became so enraged that Beau, aged 44, opted for dinner rather than staying with her, that she relentlessly messaged and called him. Following this, she cut her hip and shared images of her wounds with him.
Writing in her book, Stassi said: ‘I was feral. And then I remember cutting the side of my hip.
This segment proves particularly challenging to compose and confess. It might be among the most underhanded, exploitative, repugnant actions I have ever undertaken…
As a die-hard admirer, I couldn’t resist sharing snaps of my work on me with Beau and Katie Maloney. But if there’s anything more twisted and heartless than sending such images, I can’t fathom it. The weight of that guilt will be a constant companion for the rest of my days.
Stassi continued that after she had sent the images, Beau left the dinner and came back home.
‘He spent the majority of the night on the phone with his mom,’ she penned.
The following day, he expressed that if such an occurrence were to happen again, no matter how minor, he would end our relationship.
‘That was the last time I ever hurt myself. Beau saved me that day.’
Stassi and Beau began dating in 2017, and announced their engagement in 2019.
In September 2020, amid the ongoing pandemic, they exchanged vows in a cozy, backyard wedding. Their beautiful daughter, Hartford, joined their family in January 2021.
In May 2022, they tied the knot once more, this time at the Hotel de Russie in Italy. Later, in September of the same year, they were blessed with their son, Messer Rhys.
Stassi courageously revealed that she battled self-injury for a span of 11 years, during which she also faced periods of contemplating suicide. However, once she sent those photos to Beau, she hasn’t had any thoughts about causing harm to herself.
She expressed that she inflicted harm on herself as a means to manage intense feelings of sadness, worry, or rage.
At certain points in my existence, thoughts of intentionally crashing my car into a structure, or leaping from a tall building in my apartment complex, have crossed my mind.
‘I know what it feels like to not want to live.’
The television personality shared that the death of her mentor, whom she calls Luke, during her college years triggered a deep emotional crisis for her.
Prior to his passing, Stassi said she had not experienced loss.
‘Upon Luke’s passing, many of my ambitious aspirations seemed to fade away as well.’ She admitted, fortunate not to have encountered loss prior to this moment.
Until now, I hadn’t encountered anyone who had sadly departed from this world, let alone someone who chose to end their own life. It was hard for me to grasp the depth of sorrow he might have experienced.
His demise overwhelmed me completely. It was the only thing on my mind, causing me to neglect my classes and spend most of my time confined within my university apartment, weeping day and night.
On a fateful night following Luke’s demise, Stassi discovered herself all by herself in her humble student apartment kitchen, overwhelmed with emotion and the sudden urge to inflict self-harm as tears of grief flowed relentlessly.
In her own words: “I just couldn’t hold back the tears. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming urge, and I grabbed a kitchen knife.
In an unexpected moment, I found myself reaching for the sharp edge of a kitchen knife that fateful evening. The action felt out of character, yet there was a strange compulsion that took over me. It was merely a small cut on my forearm, but it served as a temporary relief from the overwhelming sobs that had taken hold of me.
Previous week, Stassi shared that she’s struggling to find the right words to explain her self-inflicted wounds to her three-year-old child.
During an interview with Bustle, she expressed: ‘Upon seeing myself without clothes, my daughter might point out a small scar and say, “Ow, Mommy!”‘
Wow, this feels unpleasant. I wonder how I’ll tell her that I voluntarily did this.” (Or) “Gosh, this is not good. I’m struggling to find the words to tell her it was my decision.
She expressed that it seems as though something has been hidden, and she dislikes secrecy. This could be one reason why she engages in her activities such as podcasting and living openly, she mentioned.
‘Since I have a sense of liberation, as if saying, “I am unbounded. People know all about me, leaving no need for concealment.’
If you’re struggling with self-harm, reach out to Crisis Text Line – a non-profit service offering round-the-clock, confidential assistance for self-harm in both English and Spanish, through text messaging.
Text CONNECT to 741741.
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2024-09-12 22:19