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Lola Kirke knows she’s too young and fame-ish to write a memoir. She did it anyway

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As a young teen cinephile, my “manny” was a troubled rock musician with questionable boundaries, while a movie star friend of our family, whom I’ll call Gideon (not his true name), seemed overly familiar when we hung out and shared some mind-altering moments together. In my compilation of essays, “Wild West Village,” I recount these experiences, as well as the time spent visiting a sister in rehab and the day that shook me to my core when I discovered I had a half brother from one of my father’s extramarital relationships.

Although Kirke was born into affluence, being the daughter of Bad Company drummer Simon Kirke, and having glamorous siblings like Domino who signed to a recording deal in her teen years and Jemima who starred on “Girls”, living in an expensive New York brownstone and attending private school wasn’t always a smooth ride. She often recounts the tumultuous family life she experienced, with alcohol and drugs prevalent in the household (Jemima has been candid about her time in rehab).

Although Kirke achieved fame on shows like “Mozart in the Jungle” and various other projects, her personal life was filled with turmoil. She grappled with her identity, turning to alcohol and cigarettes as coping mechanisms, often self-destructive behavior. At 34 years old, settled in Nashville with a budding country music career and a steady relationship, Kirke has chosen introspection. Although the book’s subtitle is “Not a Memoir (Unless I Win an Oscar, Die Tragically, or Score a Country #1),” it indeed offers a deeply personal account of her life experiences.

Recently, Kirke shared insights with The Times regarding her unconventional childhood and her writing experiences on the topic. For brevity and clarity, this conversation has been condensed.

Do you think of yourself now as a country singer or as somebody who sings and acts and now writes?

I consider myself multi-talented, with skills in singing, acting, and now writing. However, when it comes to self-identification, I believe it’s unwise for me to be anything other than a human being. Life is fragile, and if you’re fortunate enough to pursue art as a career, it can be so unpredictable that I feel it’s crucial to anchor oneself in one’s personal identity first.

Why did you call this not a memoir?

In simpler terms, I consider myself somewhat well-known rather than truly famous. As I embark on writing my memoir, I find myself in an unusual position – it’s not just a standard literary memoir, but it’s also not the kind you’d typically associate with celebrities, despite the fact that a significant part of the world where I was raised revolved around becoming notable. The subtitle is my way of acknowledging that I haven’t achieved the feats necessary for a celebrity memoir and poking fun at that notion.

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Lola Kirke wanted to meet for lunch at In-N-Out, but there wasn’t enough time for that.

In your writing, you refer to your partner as ‘The Cowboy’, expressing that you strive to be content with yourself without needing someone else’s validation. Has that self-acceptance become a reality for you?

I’ve put in a great deal of effort, but now I truly find myself stable and secure. I’m incredibly thankful for this sense of peace because it’s just draining to always strive to impress others. This is essentially the core theme of my book.

It’s clear that my parents have always cherished me as deeply as they could, and our relationship has been incredibly enriching for me. However, I didn’t always feel that love. Consequently, my art – whether it’s acting, music, or writing – serves as a way for me to express my affection, hoping for a response of the same kind. Now, I realize that I am loved just as deeply, and I no longer have to search for something that is already present within these relationships. This newfound understanding brings me great comfort.

Was writing the book a means for you to discover who you are, or did the process of writing it aid in overcoming your doubts and uncertainties regarding your identity?

Engaging in writing has allowed me to uncover and express my identity in a manner I wasn’t aware of before. There is something profound about great writing as it often gives a voice to the voiceless. When someone can articulate feelings that resonate with you, whether through music, prose, poetry, or even an advertisement, it’s truly powerful. As I started putting my life experiences into words, I gained a deeper comprehension of my journey.

In simpler terms, I stumbled upon some criticism on Goodreads. A user named Jennifer from Boston essentially expressed her viewpoint that the author is not skilled and lacks sufficient fame to pen a memoir.

After receiving three positive reviews, I continued to return, but the following one read “I despise her writing, and who in the world does she believe herself to be?” Gradually, I’m learning to accept not being well-liked, and I am thankful to this book and my writing for aiding me in that process.

Is your humor inherent, or did you deliberately aim to make things amusing to balance the gravity of the situation with the lightness you wanted to convey about your experiences?

Throughout my life, I’ve strived to be witty and humorous, but it’s only been more recently that others have begun to tell me they find me amusing. Reviewing my writings allowed me to recognize the abundance of humor I employ, both effectively and as a defense mechanism, thus providing valuable insights through self-editing.

Reflecting on my own writing during the editing process, I’ve come to recognize a unique voice that resonates within me. It’s as if reading my book is like having a conversation with an old friend – somewhat reminiscent of the inimitable Dame Edna. There’s a touch of grandiosity, a dash of humor, and a sprinkle of eccentricity about it all. I can’t quite put my finger on who this character is, but perhaps she embodies the person I am, or at least, the person I’ve become through my unconventional upbringing. To some, my perspective may seem hilarious; to others, simply a little quirky.

I possess a certain charisma that can sometimes be manipulative, used as a survival strategy in my past. I’ve always yearned for people’s approval and felt unsafe for much of my life, so I had to be extremely likable to feel secure. Fortunately, I’m starting to let go of that a bit, and I must say, it’s a relief because it can certainly drain one’s energy.

[Returning to the original tone] It’s tiring being this endearing all the time.

In your adolescence, you discovered you had an older half-brother who suffered from severe brain damage. Tragically, he passed away at the age of 19. Despite your father’s indifference, you spent significant time visiting him. Can you share how this experience affected you?

In simpler terms, I believe it has made me more compassionate and receptive. As someone who is nearly becoming a mother myself, it’s caused me to ponder the essence of true motherhood. I find myself contemplating unconditional love and understanding what it means, as well as learning how to convey it. Growing up, I felt that one’s worth was determined by their identity. However, being with you has shown me that love is something everyone deserves, regardless of who they are. This realization will always stay with me.

How concerned were you about showing the book to family members?

As a movie enthusiast, I typically stick to sharing tales that the subjects have already disclosed in some manner. However, during a recent conversation with family, I was reminded that there are always hidden stories waiting to be unearthed – “Wow, I’ve never shared that with anyone before.

It’s been incredibly touching to see how my sisters have responded to the book. Initially, I was quite anxious about their reaction. However, their encouragement mirrors the strong sisterly bond I often portray in my writing and has been an unexpected source of comfort throughout this process. Truly, it’s been a wonderful surprise.

My sibling inquired, “Why don’t I appear more frequently in the book?” However, he has been quite understanding about it – he is 12 years my senior and primarily resided away from home. Yet, he was exceptionally talented which made for less dramatic content in the narrative.

There have been others who were quite disappointed, but surprisingly, some whom I expected to dislike it actually enjoyed it. It’s challenging to portray living individuals in writing, and even more so when they are the subject of that writing. [With a touch of playful exasperation] Alas, I haven’t been given the honor of being a character in someone’s novel… yet. I’m still waiting for my turn.

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2025-01-28 14:38

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