KENNEDY’s wicked Golden Globes review: Fakest romance… most deranged… and the savage joke that left me in hysterics
The Golden Globes commenced the season of Hollywood awards last evening, bestowing accolades upon actors, series, and movies which are unfamiliar to many in the attending crowd.
Indeed, let’s simplify things for you, my friend. Here are the essential awards you should focus on.
Best host, not Ricky Gervais
This year, comedian Nikki Glaser proved to be an ideal choice following her hilarious roast of football figure Tom Brady. However, the anticipation was just as heightened as when Seth Rogen visits a Taco Bell. Fortunately for us, this witty bombshell isn’t just a pretty face.
In simpler terms, Glaser stated to Vanity Fair this week, “I won’t be too intense that people get offended… I’m not like Ricky Gervais.” This comment had me laughing so hard that I tumbled from my couch, with quips such as ‘Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch.’ These aren’t just phrases Ben Affleck shouts after getting excited. They are some of the fantastic movies in contention tonight.
Too bad Tinseltown’s twits didn’t behave with such aplomb.
Most unhinged
In the musical thriller Emilia Pérez, Zoe Saldana was awarded for her exceptional performance as a supporting actress. This film tells the story of a drug cartel boss, who embarks on a unique journey, aiming to transition from male to female – essentially, it’s a tale of personal growth and transformation.
Instead of boasting about her famous colleagues and shrieking, Saldana spoiled the occasion repeatedly, exclaiming, ‘I’m overflowing with adrenaline, yet my heart is brimming with gratitude.’
Geeze lady, that’s not all you’re full of.
Most likely to take ayahuasca
In simpler terms, Kieran Culkin was awarded the title of Best Supporting Actor at the movies for his role in “A Real Pain” (which I also haven’t had a chance to watch yet).
He expressed gratitude towards his wife for her patience with his quirks, while also acknowledging that his therapist is significantly undercompensated.
Now, Kieran: Just relax and tell us all what really happened on Neverland Ranch.
Freshest smelling loser
As Culkin basked in the spotlight, former Succession co-star Jeremy was brewing.
Nominated strongly for his portrayal as lawyer Roy Cohn in the film The Apprentice, a biography that presents a didactic account of a young Donald Trump’s life.
Despite losing, his entire outfit being mint green, including a fluffy bucket hat, earned him the award for the Most Lifelike Mitchum Antiperspirant Bottle Replica.
Nearest nip-slip
In a charming turn of events, Jessica Gunning, the endearing winner for Baby Reindeer, tripped on stage and playfully cautioned the audience, “You almost caught a glimpse of my Golden Globe!
Some viewers were hoping that boobilicious model Ashley Graham would stagger up next.
Fakest mustache
Even the talented Timothée Chalamet, who’s often associated with the Kardashians, didn’t escape Glaser’s praise when she exclaimed, ‘Your upper lip has the most stunning eyelashes… I’ve ever seen!’
Chalamet always looks like he’s playing the role of: Man who has barely gone through puberty.
Oddest couple – a tie!
Speaking of Timmy, how in the world does he land Kylie Jenner? Did someone whisper Showmance?
An unusual duo, Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco might seem, but Selena turned rosy when Glaser brought up her recent engagement news, playfully implying that a genie had recently granted Benny his wish.
I’d feel just as awkward if my fiancée attended a prestigious event sporting a unibrow and dressed in a woman’s blouse.
Did he star in a Frida Kahlo biopic that I didn’t hear about?
No wonder Zendaya physically recoiled at the sight of Beastly Benny.
Best joke/Worst joke
In the spirit of transparency, I found myself in an embarrassingly tense situation at the event when someone quipped that Zendaya’s movie Challengers was ‘as sexually charged as Diddy’s credit card!’ The comment left me rather flustered, and I apologetically admitted, “I’m sorry, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed too. It seems the after-party won’t be as lively this year, but we must press on… No need for baby oil this time around.
Ashton Kutcher must be thankful that he’s not nominated for anything anymore.
Best dressed for a Quinceanera
Ariana Grande creeped us all out worse than her Wicked co-star Cynthia Erivo.
Dressed in a manner reminiscent of a pale schoolgirl, she and Erivo shared the spotlight together throughout the entire evening, snapping selfies and engaging in hushed conversations within the cozy quarters they had transformed into their intimate duo.
Most terrifying
In a more casual and understandable manner, you could say: “Cynthia’s scary outfit will have a lasting impression on my bad dreams; it was a mix of a psychological test (Rorschach) and an iPad.
She required placing it into a shredder belonging to Ali Wong, who strutted about wearing a hideous smock made from scraps of old Christmas bows.
Big win for a gassy man
The rock musicians from Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, were awarded another Globe for their work on the soundtrack of the film titled “Challengers.
One evening, I spent time with Trent and his group in Atlanta. An amusing incident occurred when they playfully ‘kidnapped’ Jon Stewart, passing the time by lighting their flatulence in a van.
Open a window, fellas
Worst presenter
I no longer find Mindy Kaling amusing or appealing, especially after her recent appearance alongside Meghan Markle in their upcoming Netflix show ‘With Love, Meghan’. Even her weight loss didn’t help maintain my interest, as she used to be funny.
In a joint presentation, Mindy came across as stiff and awkward, making even the usually composed Nicole Kidman appear relaxed by comparison.
Best speech by a Romanian
Bucky Barnes won, you guys!
In a different phrasing: Actor Sebastian Stan, known for Captain America: The Winter Soldier, was awarded Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical for the film “A Different Man.” He took a moment to acknowledge his Romanian mother during his acceptance speech, expressing gratitude for her sacrifice in seeking a better life for him in this country.
Just like me, my mother is from Romania as well! It seems that Bucky’s achievements might be closely linked to a youth filled with cabbage-stuffed meals, endless doses of guilt, and, if his mom is anything like mine, frequent nicknames such as ‘clumsy cow in shoes’.
Most convincing human
Demi Moore, who my teenager thought was Courtney Cox, delivered the sincerest and most truthful speech that night.
In a heartfelt manner, she revealed her deep-seated uncertainty and admitted she was on the verge of giving up when she unexpectedly found the screenplay for The Substance.
Following the breakup with friend Ashton Kutcher (who was once linked to P. Diddy) and caring for her ailing former husband Bruce Willis, this woman has undoubtedly faced numerous challenges. We’ve all accompanied her on this emotional journey.
Therefore, it carries great significance when she conveys: ‘Remember, you’ll never measure up, but you can grasp the worth of yourself by simply setting aside the yardstick.’
Amen, sister!
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2025-01-06 20:39