Movies

Is The Ultimatum Ready to Challenge Gay Men’s Relationships?

BBG News

From the emergence of LGBTQ+ culture, terms like “gay” or “queer” have traditionally been used to refer to male experiences. For instance, gay bars and clubs have typically differed from lesbian ones. However, despite the fact that “gay” is not a gender-specific term, many women who are attracted to other women often identify with it. This common language usage has unintentionally excluded and overlooked women, contributing to a larger pattern where they are underrepresented and frequently disregarded in discussions.

It’s indeed invigorating and forward-thinking that the second season of Netflix’s reality series, The Ultimatum: Queer Love, centers around women (and a few nonbinary individuals), without any additional explanation. The term “queer” encompasses various meanings, and women in relationships with women is one of them. They have been scarcely represented, particularly on reality television. Shows similar to The Bachelor, such as early Bravo’s Boy Meets Boy and Logo’s Finding Prince Charming, have predominantly focused on men, just like Netflix’s Japanese dating show, The Boyfriend.

2023 saw Chris Coelen, creator of “The Ultimatum: Queer Love” and known for hits like “Love Is Blind” and “Married at First Sight,” express to The Hollywood Reporter his thoughts on creating a queer spinoff of the original hetero-focused “The Ultimatum.” He stated, “The Ultimatum is incredibly adaptable – a queer version, a gay version, a straight version, you name it. As a format, it’s designed for that.” This suggests that Coelen envisions an all-male adaptation of the show and perhaps plans for its production. However, his assurance about the ease of such a show adaptation remains unproven at this point.

For those unfamiliar, the Netflix series The Ultimatum gathers six couples who are undecided about their relationships (in Season 2, airing June 25 on Netflix). One partner, possibly influenced by the straightforward approach of the show, has given an ultimatum to the other: either they get married or they split up. In an attempt to aid these decisions, the show arranges a speed-dating event and lets them select new partners from the group for a three-week “trial marriage.” After this, they reconnect with their initial partners for another three-week “trial marriage.” At the end of this period, they make a decision to either remain together, leave with their first trial partner, or depart the show solo.

It seems that the original inspiration behind this rather contrived process remains vague, with the popular phrase “If you love something, let it go…” often cited as a starting point. The structure of these shows mirrors the artificiality of Love Is Blind, where the forced, unnatural format contradicts the organic nature of pairing off. These shows are typically a desperate attempt when conventional methods have failed. If there’s a method here, it’s one geared towards creating good television. (Whether you find it good or not, it has been successful; Season 1 was Netflix’s most-watched series for four weeks, leading to both queer seasons and international spin-offs.) The intentionally created drama doesn’t appear to make the lives of the participants any easier. For instance, a participant from Queer Love Season 2, Britney, expresses her confusion to her partner AJ: “I brought us here because I wanted you, and now I’m losing you to maybe get you forever.” Despite the illogical nature of this process, many participants trust it and frequently use terminology provided by the show such as “trial marriage,” “The Choice,” ultimatums given by “issuers” and received by “receivers.” If you squint, you can almost see their Kool-Aid mustaches.

One possible explanation for why the show “The Ultimatum” hasn’t been tried with gay men might be due to its focus on monogamy. Although the show presents itself as exploring non-monogamous relationships, it heavily emphasizes monogamy. When entering into their first trial marriage (with a stranger), participants often mention that they have ended relationships with their previous partners who were present during filming. Throughout the mingling process, several contestants express their discomfort. Dayna says, “It’s not normal to experience, like, your partner holding hands with someone else.” Marie adds, “It’s weird to see your partner dating other people.” However, this might be less strange for those who have previously engaged in ethical non-monogamy.

In today’s world, it’s surprising to come across a show set in 2025 that assumes its characters are unaware of or don’t engage with open relationships. Even more unexpected is finding queer individuals who, generally speaking, don’t grapple much with the concept. According to data from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, about 5% of lesbians reported being in open relationships – a figure that’s more than double among heterosexuals. Interestingly, for gay men, this number was as high as 32%. Given the increasing societal acceptance of non-monogamy, these figures may have risen further. However, creating a show centered around gay men’s commitment to monogamy might face some casting challenges due to these statistics. While you could find six gay male couples seeking lifelong, monogamous relationships, the resistance to those who deviate from this path would likely be less prevalent in the community at large.

Is another heartfelt conversation what’s needed here? The plot of this story revolves around characters immersing themselves in intense scenarios and subsequently grappling with the fallout. This is primarily achieved through a sequence of sincere discussions about emotions, an area where women are often more adept due to societal conditioning. As psychologist Walt Odets elucidates in his 2019 book Out of the Shadows: Reimagining Gay Men’s Lives, this is largely a result of differences in socialization between men and women.

Girls are expected to maintain conscious connections to [their] feelings: they are allowed, even encouraged, to sustain a sense of vulnerability, to show emotional sensitivity, and to be expressive of their emotional lives; and they are often encouraged to remain dependent on men. In contrast, boys are expected to separate themselves from feelings of vulnerability and dependency, initially with the suppression of “inappropriate behavior,” and, ultimately, an internal denial or repression of the feelings themselves. For boys, the objective is a false, socially constructed male sensibility of physical and emotional invulnerability and needlessness.

A significant portion of Season 2 of “The Ultimatum: Queer Love” revolves around lengthy discussions about jealousy, analyzing the present relationship versus the past one, and debating the dynamics of love. Men, who are typically less expressive unless prompted by their female partners, might make for a more subdued conversation. The sexual encounters between the trial spouses in Season 2 of “Queer Love” often lead to major drama upon reunion with their original partners. However, more seasoned gay men, who are generally more accustomed to non-monogamy, may not provoke such intense reactions. They might respond casually, saying something like, “After all, we did live together for three weeks. Of course we were intimate.

In essence, TIME didn’t receive a response from Netflix about why there isn’t a gay-male version of this show yet. The possible reasons suggested are thoughtfully considered by the producers regarding the suitability of this format for that demographic. It’s important to note that prejudice could potentially be involved as well. A 2015 study revealed that people often perceive gay male couples as less loving compared to heterosexual and lesbian couples. Could it just be a coincidence that The Ultimatum has only centered on the latter two types of relationships?

The Ultimatum: Queer Love” primarily functions as a reality show, focusing more on creating engaging content than helping participants navigate their disputes or reconsider their relationships (if they desired therapy while being filmed, they might choose “Couples Therapy”). Although some aspects of queer lifestyle are addressed (Magan struggles with her traditional Lebanese family’s disapproval of her homosexuality; Mel hints at Dayna’s sexual orientation through her nail choices; varying viewpoints on pregnancy and the advantage of having two potential wombs), the show adopts a neutral stance towards the culture. Host Joanna Garcia Swisher explains the show’s underlying ambiguity: “I may not be in a queer relationship, but I comprehend that there are unique complications. The discussions are distinct.

In every couple, one partner is eager to tie the knot, while the other is hesitant, yet surprisingly, none who received the ultimatum mention political reasons for their reluctance. Instead, they discuss it in a roundabout way, coming close but never quite stating anything explicitly political. Since the debate about gay marriage began, there’s been a noticeable group within the community that fiercely opposes such an idea, viewing it as a form of assimilation and adherence to traditional heterosexual norms. The title of Queer Love, however revolutionary, seems to be the only thing that truly sets it apart. Given the attitudes of its participants, the show could be considered queer in name only.

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2025-06-25 19:06

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