Column: An Oscar-winning L.A. council member? Gov. Danny Trejo? Gustavo’s 2025 predictions
As a seasoned observer of the human condition and a long-time resident of California, I find Gustavo Arellano’s predictions to be as captivating as they are often off-the-mark. Last year, two of his 2022 predictions came true – both of them bad news. Will 2023 be any different?
The good news: None of the predictions I made in last year’s annual Gustradamus column came true. If any did, it would have been a sign that the apocalypse is nigh.
The bad news: The apocalypse is here.
Donald Trump is on the verge of taking office, relishing the possibility of penalizing California for not submitting to him easily, much like Jeff Bezos did. The Democrats are finding themselves politically adrift as Latinos appear to have moved beyond them. Los Angeles finds itself grappling with a budget deficit of $130 million. Meanwhile, USC’s football team is participating in an event called the SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl, while UCLA’s team remains at home, likely performing exercises up and down Young Research Library.
California
Here’s my take on it:
2025, I’d love to peer into a crystal ball and catch a glimpse of brighter days ahead. Alas, my intuition tells me that there might not be much to celebrate, save for moments of shared laughter. After all, it seems the White House will serve up its fair share of absurdity and mischief, enough to make us chuckle in order to keep from shedding tears.
This is some of what I see happening in the next 12 months:
*Desperate to regain their football dominance, USC abandons the Big Ten Conference after only one year for the more manageable Trinity League, which is equivalent to high school level. However, they end up in last place when powerhouse Mater Dei poaches all of their players, leaving USC with a team consisting of their marching band, outgoing President Carol Folt, and journalism students. Interestingly, this latter group has no prior experience with football, not even on video games like Madden.
As one of his last actions as president, Joe Biden officially designated the Graffiti Towers – a set of three neglected downtown skyscrapers that had transformed into L.A.’s largest graffiti canvas – as a national monument. In response, the City Council decided to impose an entry fee, allowing people to tag and engage in base jumping at their leisure. This influx of tourists saved Los Angeles from financial collapse.
As a movie enthusiast, I find myself utterly captivated by the imaginative casting of L.A. Councilmember Monica Rodriguez in the live-action rendition of “The Incredibles.” Her character mirrors Edna Mode, a vibrant, intelligent, spectacled, and stylish figure, hailing from the fashion world – just like our councilmember is renowned for her sharp intellect and trendy attire. In this film, Rodriguez’s natural charisma earns her an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, not for any grand acting feat, but simply by embodying herself authentically on screen. It’s a testament to the power of authenticity and self-expression in storytelling.
Following Donald Trump’s continuous growth in Latino votes since 2016, even amidst numerous offensive remarks such as boasting about the taco salad at Trump Tower, the world was taken aback when he granted amnesty to all undocumented immigrants. This included a double amnesty for Venezuelans and Central Americans, allowing them to vote twice. This decision is expected to solidify Latino support for the Republican party for generations to come. Subsequently, Gavin Newsom and Nancy Pelosi embark on a project to build a 100-foot wall along the U.S.-Mexico border, piece by piece. Kamala Harris steps forward to guard Calexico with an oversized inflatable hammer, as she has little else to engage in at present.
LeBron James shares that he plans to continue playing basketball until he’s in his sixties, with the ambition of being the first NBA player to team up with his grandson and experience a loss together.
In 2020, I proposed that Danny Trejo should become California’s U.S. senator. Now, in 2026, he has announced his candidacy for governor. Other candidates promptly withdraw, as facing off against Machete seems unfavorable. Donald Trump swiftly moderates his critical stance on California, fearing that Trejo might cause harm to him the first time they meet.
California
As a devoted cinephile, I can’t help but reflect on the prophetic musings of L.A. Times columnist Gustavo Arellano. Unlike a crystal ball, his insights into the future often seem to elude him. However, in 2022, a rare coincidence occurred: two of his predictions, unfortunately, became a reality – not exactly the news we’d hope for. Now, standing at the threshold of 2023, I can’t help but wonder if this year will bring us better fortunes.
After losing their respective jobs and political prospects, former L.A. County Sheriff Alex Villanueva and ex-L.A. City Councilmember Kevin de León decide to launch a podcast. However, due to excessive complaining in their first episode, they both faint from the monotony.
*Union representatives view the newly elected senior class president at Baldwin Park High School as anti-union due to a project that highlighted the local In-N-Out burger chain, where employees have never unionized but earn some of the highest wages in the fast food industry. They managed to remove the student from office following a $1.2 million campaign.
*The Times introduces its bias meter alongside my column, but the AI-driven device bursts into flames upon encountering my initial use of Spanglish. Dr. Patrick Soon-Shiong, owner of The Times, halts the project and redirects his efforts towards finding a cure for something less complex than contemporary journalism: cancer.
*Someone finds a purpose for jacaranda trees that’s actually beneficial to mankind.
After a year of internet feuds and exchanging diss tracks, rappers Drake and Kendrick Lamar have decided to settle their dispute in an unprecedented way: a wrestling match at the Tam’s Burgers parking lot located on Rosecrans and Central avenues in Compton. Given that Kendrick has the home-court advantage, he extends the first opportunity for Drake to land a kick, punch, body slam, suplex, piledriver, Stone Cold stunner or wedgie. Despite this, Kendrick emerges victorious. Following his defeat, Drake departs for Canada, taking Justin Bieber along with him.
* Elon Musk — who’s suing the California Coastal Commission for not allowing him to launch more SpaceX missions from Vandenberg Space Force Base — decides to move his operations to Mt. Whitney. Newsom — a longtime friend and benefactor of tech bros — tells Musk that’s cool, as long as all those rockets don’t harm the environment. Musk responds by training the bears up there to drive his Cybertrucks so he can start a new Uber rival. Newsom praises Musk’s move as environmentally friendly. The mega-billionaire then turns Mt. Whitney into his lair, calling it Mt. Mar-a-Lago.
As a dedicated movie enthusiast, I rarely find the time for extended breaks – heck, even a two-hour respite seems like an unlikely luxury! And let’s face it, no matter how good their burgers are, In-N-Out will always be overshadowed by the magic of cinema in my book.
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2024-12-28 15:35