Cast Away review: Phillip Schofield’s  return could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew thought his Newsnight interview ‘went well’

Cast Away review: Phillip Schofield's  return could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew thought his Newsnight interview 'went well'

As an ardent fan of reality television and someone who has watched their fair share of survival shows, I must say that last night’s episode of Cast Away (C5) was a complete misfire. It felt like someone had taken Phillip Schofield, a man who is used to the luxuries of life and catered to by a team of people, and thrust him into a situation where he was meant to prove that he could survive on his own.


Cast Away (Channel 5) 

Among all the enjoyment derived from last night’s Cast Away (C5), the most intriguing part was envisioning the conversation that convinced Philip Schofield to participate in the show.

They might have expressed it this way: “This has the potential to significantly boost your visibility again, Philip,” they could say. “Since these days, people seem to find it quite appealing to witness a high-profile figure expressing their feelings of vulnerability for an hour.

Is it just an hour that passed? It seemed much longer to me. This might be one of the most significant TV timing blunders since Prince Andrew gave a smile to Emily Maitlis and remarked, “I’d say that went smoothly, wouldn’t you?

The concept revolves around Philip embarking on a solitary ten-day journey to a tropical island near Madagascar. It’s worth noting that this individual, being part of the elite group known as ‘The Talent’, was accustomed to having his needs attended at work. Will he adapt?

Cast Away review: Phillip Schofield's  return could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew thought his Newsnight interview 'went well'

Cast Away review: Phillip Schofield's  return could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew thought his Newsnight interview 'went well'

He remarked, “It seems many people are fervently wishing for my absence.” Stepping over the boundary from humility into self-pity, that’s certainly not a flattering trait.

Despite the challenges, he vowed not to let the island overcome him under any circumstances. He declared his resolve, saying, “I may tire, but I won’t give up.

Perhaps he remembered that line from Peter ‘I’m a fighter not a quitter’ Mandelson.

Despite Philip’s best efforts to maintain a cheerful demeanor and win us over, his resentment would occasionally surface. At one point, he exclaimed, “Leave me alone!” expressing frustration about the spotlight he’s been under since leaving ITV last May as he yearns for a peaceful life.

Embarking upon this tranquil island living was initially promising. As the vessel carrying me vanished into the horizon, I found myself strikingly isolated, armed merely with a flashlight, a spoon, a saw, a machete, and a fishing pole to rely on.

Oh, and some lip balm. Apparently Phil is a martyr to chapped lips.

It’s common knowledge that when you find yourself marooned on a desert island, the initial step usually involves constructing a fire. With a confident grin, he declared his proficiency in this area, and this time it was clear he wasn’t just talking.

Following guidelines from a survival specialist, he constructed a campsite, then ventured out in search of edible supplies. On this island, it was primarily coconuts or mangoes he hoped to find.

Cast Away review: Phillip Schofield's  return could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew thought his Newsnight interview 'went well'
Cast Away review: Phillip Schofield's  return could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew thought his Newsnight interview 'went well'

Of course, there are alternatives, but it’s a fact that fruits don’t move away while you’re trying to hunt them, nor do they retaliate in any way.

A mango was his only meal on the first day, and it was almost inedible. To make matters worse, he was woken up in the night by a howling gale which was doing its best to blow down his tent.

On the second day, he enjoyed more success, as not only did he eat a coconut for breakfast, but he also discovered a fresh water source that he happily collected into his safari hat.

Apart from that, he too tried his hand at fishing, an outing that unfortunately didn’t go well, yet it stirred up recollections of fishing trips with his father. However, it appears young Philip might not have picked up many skills during those experiences.

The most memorable scenes depicted Philip in his domestic setting with his spouse Stephanie and their two daughters, all of whom have been incredibly supportive. In moments when Philip felt overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts, it was his family who managed to dissuade him from acting on them.

In the initial installment (consisting of three parts), the story concluded with yet another search for sustenance. Realizing that the fish sensibly maintained a safe distance, he decided to hunt for crabs instead.

Cast Away review: Phillip Schofield's  return could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew thought his Newsnight interview 'went well'
Cast Away review: Phillip Schofield's  return could be the biggest television misjudgment since Prince Andrew thought his Newsnight interview 'went well'

One could reasonably conclude that Phil isn’t typically a ruthless hunter, as evidenced by his remorseful apology after killing a crab with a machete: “I’m truly sorry, friend.” It appears he was providing food for himself rather than acting as a character from Swiss Family Robinson.

By the time he caught his crab, it was dark and he was flailing around in the forest. ‘I don’t know where the hell I am’.

Here’s his predicament: he can’t seem to figure out exactly where he is. He claimed, quite honestly, that he never aspired for fame. However, there he stands, exposing himself to scrutiny yet again.

If he truly aimed to leave the past behind and prove that the real Philip isn’t as bitter and selfish as his words suggested last night, he selected an inappropriate platform for it.

He requires a situation that provides opportunities for him to prove his determination and tenacity, where he can impress us by overcoming challenges, and in which complaining is strongly discouraged.

Are they booking yet for next year’s Celebrity SAS?

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2024-10-01 00:08

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