You know an argument has really derailed when it veers far off topic – like starting with who should do the dishes and ending up arguing about something from years ago, a family member, or feeling unappreciated.
Couples counselor Jessica Harrison of Rhode Island explains that when one partner thinks, ‘How did we end up talking about this?’, it often means someone is getting defensive.
It’s often hard to realize you’re getting defensive, as it usually feels like you’re simply correcting a misunderstanding or stating the facts. However, when this happens, the original issue that someone brought up is rarely addressed and gets lost in a flurry of new arguments. As Harrison points out, trying to resolve five disagreements at once during one conversation is nearly impossible.
It’s natural to want to defend yourself when you feel attacked – it’s not a sign of weakness. Just like we react physically to danger, we also protect our self-image and sense of who we are. Often, even a simple criticism can feel like a personal judgment, especially from someone close to us. This triggers a defensive response where we quickly try to prove our worth and justify our actions, almost as if presenting evidence in our own defense.
It’s natural to want to protect yourself – setting boundaries is sometimes necessary, explains psychiatrist Dr. Jeff Katzman. However, if you automatically get defensive even during small disagreements, it can damage relationships over time. Couples might grow distant while simply talking about everyday tasks, and friends may stop sharing their thoughts. According to Dr. Katzman, defensiveness makes us more rigid in our views and leads to conflict, ultimately leaving us feeling isolated.
We’re not trying to stop feeling defensive altogether—that’s unrealistic. Instead, the key is to notice when you are getting defensive, react in a calmer way, and be able to get back on track if things go wrong. Here’s advice from experts on how to do that.
Learn your body’s tell
Often, defensiveness begins with physical sensations before you respond verbally. Couples therapist Reuven Rosen encourages his clients to notice what’s happening in their bodies when they hear something from their partner – he asks them, “What did you feel in your body at that moment?”
People often describe feeling physical sensations when answering. He explains it as things like a lump in your throat, a tight stomach or chest, or a racing heart.
It’s easy to miss subtle physical cues, but they can actually warn you when you’re about to react defensively, argue, or get upset. If you notice your heart beating faster or your chest feeling tight, take a moment to figure out why you’re feeling so strongly. This quick self-check can help you decide how to respond calmly, instead of reacting immediately.
Ask what you’re trying to protect
I’ve been trying something new lately. When I feel myself getting defensive in a conversation, I pause and ask myself, “What am I really trying to protect here?” It’s almost never about the actual thing we’re arguing about. Usually, it’s something deeper – like my sense of being a good person, a reliable friend, or someone who’s good at their job. It’s like I’m defending my self-image, not the point at hand.
According to Harrison, getting defensive usually means we’re trying to safeguard something important to us – like our beliefs, principles, reputation, or self-assurance.
Understanding why someone seems upset can completely shift how you see things. For example, if your partner asks for help with chores, it’s easy to assume they’re criticizing you – thinking you’re not pulling your weight. But often, they just need a hand and aren’t trying to make an accusation.
Harrison recommends checking in with yourself to see if you’re prioritizing maintaining a good image or sticking to your beliefs, or if you’re genuinely hearing what the other person is saying.
Often, we get defensive because we deeply care about being a good partner, friend, or coworker. As therapist Sarah Harrison explains, it shows we’re afraid of making mistakes because these relationships are important to us.
Trade certainty for curiosity
When you get defensive, it’s easy to become convinced you’re right and the other person is wrong – and that if you just explain things better, they’ll understand. However, the more you focus on proving yourself, the less you listen to their perspective.
Drawing on his years of experience with both improv and therapy, Katzman proposes a different approach. Instead of trying to think more quickly when facing a challenge, he believes the key is to become curious about it right away.
Improvisation provides a helpful way to understand communication. In improv, “blocking” happens when you disagree with an idea your partner presents. For example, if someone says it’s raining, and you say it isn’t, the conversation stalls. According to Katzman, this is similar to how defensiveness works in real life. When we’re defensive, we essentially dismiss the other person’s perspective, and they do the same to us.
Instead of arguing, try the improv technique of “yes, and.” This means recognizing the other person’s feelings before sharing your own thoughts. As Katzman points out, another helpful rule is to try and make the other person feel understood and validated – essentially, help them ‘look good’ in the conversation.
It’s not about always agreeing with someone, but remembering you’re both working towards a common goal. As Katzman explains, the point is to understand each other, not to ‘win’ the conversation. Try to shift from being sure you’re right to being genuinely curious about their perspective.
Look for the 2% truth
Even when criticism feels harsh, off-base, or poorly delivered, there’s usually some valid point hidden within it. Kraiem refers to this as the “2% truth.” It can be challenging to identify that small piece of truth – particularly when you’re focused on everything else the person said that’s incorrect – but recognizing it can help de-escalate the situation quickly.
When someone misinterprets something you’ve said or done, start by recognizing any truth in their statement before explaining your side. For example, if they accuse you of not listening, instead of listing times when you did listen, try acknowledging a specific instance where you weren’t fully present: “You’re right, I was distracted when we talked about your meeting.” This doesn’t mean you agree with the overall accusation, but it shows you’re willing to see their point, which can make them more open to hearing your perspective.
It’s often difficult not to argue about whether criticism is correct, but the key is to focus on why someone is upset. According to Kraiem, we tend to prioritize being right instead of trying to understand the other person’s feelings and perspective, even if we don’t fully agree with them.
Retire “never” and “always”
Certain words carry tiny invitations to fight. Two are especially potent: “never” and “always.”
Using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ often makes people defensive, explains Katzman. They’ll likely focus on finding an exception to prove you wrong. For example, if you tell someone they never do the dishes, they might point out that time they did them last week, shifting the conversation away from your actual concern—like needing more help or wanting them to acknowledge your efforts. As a result, your real message gets lost.
The same is true when bringing up many complaints at once. Listing several grievances – and then adding even more from the past – doesn’t make your argument stronger; it just gives the other person more points to argue against. As Katzman explains, “Instead of focusing on resolving one issue, you force them to defend themselves on multiple fronts.”
Reflect back before you explain yourself
It’s natural to want to explain yourself when someone says you’ve hurt their feelings. However, offering an explanation at that moment can come across as making excuses, especially when they’ve just opened up to you. It might even make them feel like you’re not truly listening to how they feel.
Kraiem advises beginning a conversation by clearly restating what the other person said, and then confirming you understood it correctly. Avoid simply repeating a phrase or two before sharing your own perspective. Instead, try something like: “So, if I understand correctly, after the ice cream spilled, I spoke loudly and said things that were hurtful, which made you feel isolated. Is that right?”
As a total film buff, I’ve learned that getting bogged down in what someone said isn’t always the point – it’s about the impact of those words. I recently heard about a therapist, Kraiem, who had to stop a couple from replaying a conversation, each insisting on exactly who said what. He wisely steered them away from the ‘he said, she said’ and encouraged them to instead focus on the feelings that came up during that moment. It’s like good storytelling – the emotion is what really resonates, not necessarily the precise dialogue.
Acknowledge the impact—even if you remember it differently
When his 10-year-old son mentioned that Rosen had told him to be quiet after falling and crying on the stairs, Rosen instantly disagreed. He insisted, “That didn’t happen. That’s not what really happened.”
There’s a quiet power in this scene. The father initially feels a physical reaction – a sinking feeling – but it quickly becomes clear it’s not about the event itself. It’s about his son’s perception of him. What really strikes me is his decision not to debate the details. Instead, he brilliantly shifts focus to his son’s feelings. He offers a sincere apology, even admitting he doesn’t fully recall things the same way. It’s a beautifully understated moment of vulnerability and a testament to prioritizing connection over being right. It’s a small gesture, but it speaks volumes about his character.
I’ve learned that I don’t need to see things exactly as someone else does to understand they were genuinely hurt by something. It doesn’t invalidate my own feelings or what I believe happened, it just means their pain deserves acknowledgment first. Once they feel truly heard, then I can share my perspective and explain what I intended – but their feelings need to be recognized before I do that.
Keep a repair line in your back pocket
When you’re arguing, it can be surprisingly effective to stop explaining your side and simply suggest starting the conversation again. Also, be mindful of using the word “but.” Even if you try to show understanding with a phrase like “I see your point, but…”, everything after that “but” will likely come across as a disagreement, undoing any goodwill you built.
Kraiem recommends learning a few easy phrases to help fix things after a disagreement. Examples include acknowledging how your actions were perceived (“I can see why what I did landed that way”), validating the other person’s feelings (“You’re right—I see how I hurt you”), and asking for clarification (“Help me understand what I’m missing here.”). His personal favorite is a simple apology followed by a request to start over: “I’m sorry, can we try that again?”
These phrases won’t eliminate all disagreements or errors. As Kraiem explains, you’ll still have conflicts and make mistakes. However, they can help you bounce back – allowing you to recognize when things go wrong and giving both people an opportunity to discuss the issue in a more constructive way.
Revisit the conversation afterward
Honestly, when I’m in a heated discussion, I don’t always know I’m getting defensive in the moment. It’s only later, once I’ve had time to cool off, that I can really look back and explain where my reaction was coming from. That’s when I try to revisit the conversation and share what was actually going on for me.
Okay, so after watching this scene play out, here’s how I’d describe the apology. It’s a really vulnerable moment where the character admits they overreacted. They essentially say, ‘My apologies, I totally misread the situation. I thought you were criticizing my work, when really you were just asking for more support.’ It’s powerful because it highlights their deep desire to be a good teammate and how that insecurity fueled their defensive response. It’s not just saying ‘sorry,’ it’s explaining why they reacted the way they did, which feels much more genuine.
Before you apologize, take a moment to understand why you reacted the way you did. A quick, insincere apology can feel forced. Instead, figure out what underlying fear or insecurity caused your strong reaction. Once you know what you were truly protecting, apologizing will likely feel much more genuine and natural.
Ask what you want from the conversation
You know, I heard this story about a guy, Katzman, and it really stuck with me. He was at a restaurant with his family on a freezing, windy night. He was just being polite, holding the door for them, when this woman near the entrance started yelling about a draft. A waitress even offered to move her to a warmer spot, but she refused! She just kept grumbling, saying the guy – Katzman – needed to stop letting the cold air in. The worst part? They ended up seating his family right next to her, and she continued to complain the whole time. Can you believe the nerve?
Katzman sensed he was about to say something, but then the woman’s husband made eye contact and gave him a quick wink.
Katzman recalls someone winking at him in a moment of understanding, making him realize he was being seen and understood. It also served as a personal awakening – a signal to avoid getting drawn into an unnecessary conflict.
Before getting into an argument, it’s helpful to ask yourself what you want to achieve. If your goal is to understand the other person or find a solution, then continuing the conversation could be productive. But if you just want to win and prove your point, it’s probably best to disengage.
I often think about something Katzman shared with me: whenever I feel myself getting drawn into a pointless argument, I remember this little story about a wink. He suggests we all find a personal signal – his is a wink – to remind us to stop and ask ourselves if the conversation is even worth having. It’s a surprisingly effective trick; sometimes the best thing you can do is simply choose not to engage at all.
2026-07-29 17:08