Why This Christian Influencer No Longer Goes to Church

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In the new year of 2020, Christian author, lifestyle influencer, and often-controversial figure Jen Hatmaker shared on social media a throwback photo of her and her husband Brandon, her pastor, from their junior prom in Oklahoma. The caption expressed warm feelings about their 26 years of marriage, five children, and recalled the funny aspect that they would never fit into those outfits again, suggesting they should take more pictures as a reminder.

As a dedicated movie critic, let me share my thoughts on this enlightening production. This particular piece resonated deeply due to its relatable, witty, comforting narrative – traits that have undeniably catapulted the creator into stardom among an array of women, many of whom share a spiritual connection and are grappling with the discrepancy between their aspirations in youth and their present circumstances. As they navigate life’s inevitable bumps and letdowns, they find solace in this work, much like I do when revisiting timeless cinematic classics.

The outpouring of support from fans – a vibrant community of 1.5 million on social media – was evident in the heartfelt comments beneath the post. Some even shared their own prom photos and self-effacing humor, creating a bond that transcends the digital screen. It was a powerful reminder that we are all in this journey together, finding ways to navigate life’s complexities and hold on to hope amidst adversity.

Approximately eight months into the pandemic, Hatmaker found herself waking up at 2:30 a.m. to her husband sending voice messages to another woman. The next morning, he left their home. Within three months, they were legally divorced. “I feel sad when I look back on that time,” says Hatmaker in an interview just weeks before her new book Awake is released. “The reality was, we were struggling severely. I could sense it even in the way we communicated: Let’s keep trying.

Divorce can be extremely painful, but a public one, especially for a prominent Christian figure, might feel like enduring a kidney stone while delivering a commencement speech. Yet, pain can serve as fertile ground for growth, and it seems that more women writers are drawing from their marital struggles in their work, such as Leslie Jamison’s “Splinters,” Maggie Smith’s “You Could Make This Place Beautiful,” Scaachi Koul’s “Sucker Punch,” and Haley Mlotek’s “No Fault.” These books were all published within the last two years. Hatmaker’s book is part of a growing subgenre of memoirs about personal growth following divorce, written by individuals who grew up Christian, like Glennon Doyle, Lyz Lenz, and Lysa TerKeurst.

Previously, Hatmaker had created controversy within the Evangelical community due to several reasons. Primarily, she was a woman who took on the role of a preacher, an uncommon occupation for females in their circle. Her advocacy for the LGBTQ+ community, including same-sex marriage, and her criticism of Christian backing for Donald Trump during his presidential campaign were also contentious issues. Moreover, she openly denounced racism as a persistent problem in American society that every white Christian must acknowledge and address personally. In an interview with TIME, Hatmaker discussed her personal transformation following the end of her marriage, the residual impacts of purity culture, and the reasons she no longer attends church.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Given the numerous divorce memoirs out there, and considering your strong online presence, one might wonder why you’d choose to pen a book detailing your experiences. After all, your followers would already be aware of your journey.

Divorce isn’t necessarily an exciting tale to tell, as it’s something many people experience. My marriage’s end wasn’t what I expected, but after some distance from the emotional turmoil, I began to understand that perhaps its collapse wasn’t entirely unexpected given the underlying factors: patriarchy, religious beliefs, body image issues, gender roles, purity standards, cultural norms, and misogyny. I strive to acknowledge these elements and how they played a role, as well as my own complicity in it all.

The church plays a significant role in advocating for marriage, yet it’s important to acknowledge that movements like purity culture and body shaming often originate from within the church. Could one argue that the church may be undermining its own goals by promoting marriages while simultaneously creating an environment where they struggle to thrive?

In simpler terms, it seems challenging to distinguish between health, connection, positivity, and longevity amidst all the other elements that may negatively impact the system. I’ve been trying to isolate the beneficial aspects using a magnifying glass, much like focusing on specific threads. As a fetus, I was regularly exposed to church, which was an omnipresent element in my environment. Leaving behind such deep-rooted indoctrination is tough, but I believe that my church overemphasizes the importance of marriage to the point of pushing people into harmful situations and keeping them there. This has had a detrimental impact on marriages as a whole.

What do you feel when you look back on that Facebook post now? 

In simpler terms, We had five children, and I envisioned us all walking together down the aisle at their weddings and rocking our grandchildren on our porch. I was deeply devoted to making my marriage successful, not in a deceitful manner, but honestly wanting it to thrive. However, even though my instincts were shouting fire alarm, I persisted in hoping for better days. When I look at that picture, what stands out is the effort I put in, my desire for things to get better, and the fact that I had no idea about the deceit unfolding behind my back. I believe I will always carry a great deal of sorrow.

When word got out about the affair, did you, who were affected by it, sense a sense of shame or did others seem to rally around you in support instead?

Keep going. You’ll make it. It won’t always feel this difficult.

Why does it seem that despite having a good cause for anger towards your ex, the book portrays you as showing a great deal of compassion instead? What factors might be influencing this difference between your real feelings and the representation in the book?

Initially, I felt angry, and while some remnants of that anger linger, it served as an impetus for me to embark on the rebuilding process. Anger can be a powerful motivator at the start of any journey. It propelled me forward. However, I want to make it clear that I’m not placing blame on him; he made some disastrous decisions that will haunt him and our family for the rest of our lives.

But reflecting on the situation, I realize that we were both entangled in systems that were toxic and impeded us from being truthful and seeking help. This realization fostered a sense of empathy within me. And as we look ahead, we have many joyous milestones to anticipate – graduations, weddings, and the births of new babies for the next 40 years. Continuing to harbor resentment won’t benefit us in the long run. It would be detrimental to our family’s well-being. Therefore, I find it essential to keep moving forward and focusing on those positive moments.

my initial anger fueled my determination to rebuild, but I recognize that we were both influenced by harmful systems. Moving forward, I want to focus on the happy events ahead of us and avoid getting stuck in a cycle of resentment for our own family’s sake.

The book implies that you’ve severed ties with the Church but remain devoted to Jesus. Could this be an initial step towards ceasing active Christianity, or are you seeking a fresh manifestation of your spirituality instead?

Currently, I’m away from the church, and I’m uncertain if I’ll return or not. I spent my childhood in its midst, my father being a pastor, and I even married one at a young age. Throughout my life, I’ve been deeply involved with the church structure, serving as a leader, organizer, and even a pastor myself. However, due to my long-term involvement, I find myself disconnected, questioning what role the church could play in my personal life now. The intricacies of my upbringing have left me in a complex position, where I recognize that I’ve been part of the challenges within the church. So, for now, I need a respite from the system.

I value and don’t want to abandon my faith, but I yearn to explore what it means to practice my faith outside the traditional structures. This new journey is proving to be incredibly healing, nurturing, and surprisingly relaxed – something that was absent in my earlier religious experiences. Intriguingly, theologian Dallas Willard once described Jesus with a single word: “relaxed.” My previous understanding of God was quite the opposite; He always seemed tense or anxious. But this “Relaxed” deity seems to resonate more deeply with me now.

Is it accurate to say that you take a firm stance against purity culture? Given the context of the ’70s and ’80s, where waiting until marriage to have sex was often discouraged, and virginity was sometimes seen as a negative trait, wasn’t purity culture an attempt to counteract this perspective? When addressing young people about sexual development, is there a balance to be found between advocating for abstinence and promoting healthy relationships without shaming those who choose not to wait until marriage?

In the 1980s, I found myself at the forefront of a tidal wave of purity culture. The publication of educational materials on this topic seemed to flood the market, creating a new way to commodify virginity. Unfortunately, our education lacked depth and healthiness, focusing more on topics like shame, fear, and less on important aspects such as sex, consent, attachment, or commitment. It was an unhealthy narrative that left us terrified. We mistakenly believed that adherence to purity culture would grant us acceptance, leading to a deep-seated fear. Looking back, it’s clear that we were setting ourselves up for disappointment, hoping for a healthy sexual relationship to emerge from such a skewed system. I am thankful to see the conversation around sexuality evolving in new and positive ways for younger generations. As someone who experienced the damaging effects of this approach, I now find myself learning about sexuality all over again as an adult.

In an interview with TIME back in 2017, you referred to yourself as a ‘D-minus’ celebrity. Can you give us your current assessment of your celebrity status?

I find the concept of celebrities confusing and the online world overwhelming. Yet, despite being ambitious, I’ve lost interest in seeking the limelight. Instead, I view myself as a guardian for these women who willingly joined this community we’re building. I feel a profound sense of affection and duty towards them. Even if our group never grows, I’ll be eternally grateful for it.

Have you discovered that your ambition is a trait that others have criticized or reprimanded you for the greatest amount?

Is it often your ambition that people have taken issue with and criticized the most?

Absolutely. The traditional structure, not just globally but within Evangelicalism, often implies that women are inferior. They might use words like submissive or complementary instead, with a touch of elegance. Usually, it’s subtly done. Such beliefs could throw me off balance, even years ago. I have an overactive concern about how others perceive me, a muscle that’s been overdeveloped and I’m trying to make weaker.

It seems quite unexpected that you’ve had to manage your own financial affairs, given the numerous revenue sources you have at hand – the tours, book sales, book club, various courses, and sponsorships. I can’t help but wonder if you’ve chosen not to delegate this task to a financial advisor, considering how busy you must be with tasks such as organizing receipts.

In simpler terms, This part of my story deals with my past financial irresponsibility, which was humiliating. In our relationship, I didn’t handle the finances – I handed over all control to my partner. We had an accountant and advisors, but it felt like a burden to hand things off without any collaboration or partnership. I hadn’t even checked our bank account to see where our money was going, how much I was earning, or what we were saving for retirement. When I finally sought advice from a financial planner after everything fell apart, he asked me questions that I now know are quite basic. I couldn’t answer any of them. It was terrifying. However, when I eventually learned that I could manage finances and was careful with money, it made me feel safer. But I still carry some fear about money that I’m working to overcome.

Noticing that you’re advertising THC gummies as a sleep aid. Has there been any resistance to this, considering your background?

In essence, to clarify, I belong to the intended audience. We’re all experiencing stages similar to menopause, which unfortunately brings sleep disturbances for everyone involved. Rest assured, these products are legitimate and can be delivered right to your doorstep; they’re not obtained illegally from street vendors. Lastly, my decision-making process at this point in life is no longer dictated by societal trends or expectations.

If someone says, “Jen Hatmaker is endorsing marijuana; it demonstrates how far she’s drifted from her faith, and you couldn’t care less?” – correct.

Or more casually, if someone says, “Jen Hatmaker supporting weed shows how much she’s moved away from her faith, and you don’t really care about that, right?” – paraphrased.

Couldn’t have said it better than that.

Does it sometimes occur to you that your writing style in the book, as well as your own online persona, are quite open and revealing? Have you ever felt like you might have shared too much or wished to retract some of that?

While I can’t predict with certainty which aspects might cause discomfort, I feel quite confident about our current situation. I am not experiencing any manic phases, nor am I crafting PR responses. I’ve been open and honest in my statements, offering them as sincerely and generously as possible.

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2025-09-01 14:06