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Review: Roses are red, but the flat chemistry of ‘Love Hurts’ is a snooze

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Love Hurts” can be described as a love-action story that resembles a homemade science fair volcano using baking soda and cheese, where the components are sound: two characters on the run from justice who harbor feelings for each other, portrayed by Academy Award winners Ke Huy Quan and Ariana DeBose. However, their emotional compatibility seems off.

In a twist of events, Quan plays Marvin, a former Milwaukee assassin who swapped his guns for high-end real estate deals. A few years back, his criminal brother Knuckles (Daniel Wu) demanded that Marvin kill Rose, his love interest, after she allegedly stole $4 million. However, Marvin failed to carry out the hit. Both went into hiding and switched professions: Rose works behind a bar now, while Marvin was recently crowned Regional Realtor of the Year. If you find it hard to believe that an ex-hitman from the local scene would plaster his name and face on every bus stop in Wisconsin, just wait until you see Quan and DeBose share a passionate kiss.

In a surprising return, Rose finds herself pursued by thugs, leading to chaotic events unfolding. This action-packed film, titled “The Slugfest,” is the directorial debut of Jonathan Eusebio, an experienced stunt coordinator for shows such as “The Fall Guy” and “Black Panther.” David Leitch’s company, 87North, produced this film. Eusebio, known more for his fighting skills than romantic ones, keeps Quan occupied in a frenzy of violence, using various items like pencils, staple removers, soda cans, laptops against the bad guys, including Cam Gigandet’s character Merlo. Despite its brief 83-minute runtime, the movie’s pace is too energetic to fully appreciate the intricate choreography. Take a closer look — Quan even uses cookie cutters as makeshift brass knuckles.

Just like the script (penned by Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard, and Luke Passmore) latches onto any potential idea. The unique angle here is that this confrontation takes place on Valentine’s Day, yet the narrative is so haphazard that characters randomly nap, and the climax doesn’t occur until February 15th in the evening. You’ll notice as much dialogue about siblings as you will about romantic partners. The one genuinely touching scene features Sean Astin, portraying Marvin’s mentor from civilian life, expressing his affection for having him over – is it Thanksgiving they’re referring to? Otherwise, Valentine’s Day feels alien whenever the movie tries to elaborate on its thematic relevance. Rose repeatedly talks about freedom – a concept often linked with divorce – while Marvin claims that this day symbolizes “the anticipation of the unexpected.” Does he mean April Fools’ Day instead?

In the opening half hour, “Love Hurts” comes close to winning our trust due to its strong start. It keeps us engaged with its quick, sharp dialogue, surprising edits, and intriguing visual elements. During one of the intense fights, cinematographer Bridger Nielson gets creative, placing the camera inside a microwave and then a refrigerator. The brutality contrasts heavily with the overtly comedic scenes. Here, the sets are either vibrant with neon colors or adorned with motivational phrases like “Love Lives Here.” I initially winced at a large fork and spoon hanging on one of Marvin’s properties for sale, but later chuckled when they were torn down and used as weapons in a jousting match.

a cheerful, kind-hearted, slightly nerdy man who seems unlikely to have a body count beyond his Crock-Pot stew recipe. The movie doesn’t try to reconcile these contrasting aspects of his personality. Previously, Marvin sported a mustache, used hair pomade, and had cold eyes, offering little insight into his psyche. Despite being an unrealistic cartoon character, Quan is so endearing that when he gets a knife driven through his hand early in the film, it’s shocking, like watching a beloved teddy bear being harmed. By the end of the first act, Marvin is so beaten up that it’s hard to imagine how this damaged character will make it through the rest of the movie.

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Eusebio takes delight in his main character’s small stature; Quan appears barely taller than some opponents who are on their knees when standing tall. The most exciting fight scene is a three-way scuffle between Marvin and two strong individuals, King (Marshawn Lynch) and Otis (André Eriksen), who spin him around, lift him over their heads, and hurl him into furniture. It’s suggested that these guys could be sign-spinners for Marvin’s next open house. Marshawn Lynch, known for his memorable role in “Bottoms” and co-host of California Governor Gavin Newsom’s podcast, provides the only genuine laughs in the comedy. Other jokes receive a slight smile.

Nothing seems logical. In the climactic battle scene, it’s hard to comprehend the characters’ reasons without a sigh of disbelief. Wu, the head of criminal operations, exudes sophistication, but what stands out most about him is his fondness for sipping boba tea in slow motion. Bold yet shallow, “Love Hurts” struggles to convey its emotions effectively, overdoing it by playing a funky spy tune before transitioning awkwardly into something sincere.

The inner dialogues between Marvin and Rose feel forced and unconvincing, adding to the obvious lack of on-screen romance between them. If not for Marvin’s frequent voiceovers professing his love for Rose, it would be hard to imagine a romantic connection between these characters. The actors seem to acknowledge their 20-year age gap, and Quan’s charisma overshadows DeBose’s more mature character, who appears capable of overpowering him. When the dialogue suggests “Make me believe it,” it only underscores the problem of this mismatched romantic pair.

In this production, there’s a secondary pairing featuring Mustafa Shakir and Lio Tipton. Shakir portrays a gothic poet-butcher known as the Raven, while Tipton plays Marvin’s gloomy assistant, Ash. Despite their enigmatic nature, they often gaze at each other with genuine intrigue, providing a somewhat humorous contrast to the chaotic events unfolding around them, much like an air mattress under Evel Knievel’s jumps. Throughout the play, The Raven and Ash tend to be isolated from the main action, with the director frequently cutting back to them for moments of romantic tension. When they eventually re-enter the central narrative, Ash says, “Find something you love and pursue it.” Although she meant it sincerely, the audience erupted in laughter at her statement.

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2025-02-06 23:32

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