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Abuse in the Spotlight: 5 Warning Signs You’re Being Trapped

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At the Grammys on Sunday, it appeared that Bianca Censori felt apprehension, evident in her eyes, when she removed her fur coat, exposing herself without clothing to the audience.

I think I’m able to identify the nonverbal cues of a woman who appears to be in a violent or controlling relationship.

For the past three years, I endured a harmful and oppressive relationship where my partner exerted power over me through manipulation, threats, and abusive behavior, leaving very little room for autonomy in my daily life.

The experience left me questioning my reality, my worth and even my own sanity.

During that period, I found myself as a thriving businessperson in my mid-30s, having made a grand entrance into the industry by clinching the competition on the reality TV program, Shark Tank, back in 2011.

I was succeeding, making deals and… I thought I knew how to read people. I was wrong.

Similar to Bianca, who crossed paths with Kanye in the year 2020 while both were professionally connected through his fashion brand Yeezy, where she served as an architectural designer, I also shared a professional relationship with my former partner.

My boyfriend was charming and respected in my industry and among my friends.

It wasn’t until later that I realized from the very beginning, I was the up-and-coming contender. He, with his years of experience and air of wisdom, played the role of the seasoned guide.

Watching Bianca last week, my heart ached with a familiar sense of dread.

In understanding the disparity in power between them, I’ve observed that it often results in one individual passively accepting control out of fear or emotional manipulation rather than genuine affection.

Indeed, I must clarify that I am not acquainted with Kanye West or Bianca Censori. Nor can I assert any unique understanding of their relationship. However, based on my observations of news and media reports about them, here’s what I gather:

It seems to me that they appear to be in a romantic relationship, but this is just an impression drawn from the public discourse around them.

Experts who specialize in reading lips have scrutinized the conversation between Kanye and Censori on the red carpet that particular night.

In a reported statement, the 47-year-old rapper is said to have commented, “You’re causing quite a stir right now,” which Censori, aged 30, acknowledged by nodding in understanding.

West then reportedly encouraged her, saying, ‘Make a scene. I’ll say it’ll make so much sense.’

Censori shook her head in and West allegedly pushed, saying: ‘I got you.’

She ultimately complied, replying, ‘All right, let’s go’ and she dropped her coat.

To clarify, my understanding of ‘coercive control’ didn’t originate from physical violence like fists or anger. Instead, it stemmed from a deeply affectionate and overwhelming sentiment, often referred to as ‘adoration’.

Initially, I felt uniquely understood and cherished by my partner, as though there was no one else on earth who could grasp me like he did. However, over time, that affection gradually transformed into a stifling intensity.

As a lifestyle consultant, I’d like to share an insightful observation from my personal journey. Once upon a time, the choices I made about my attire, social interactions, and whereabouts were entirely mine. However, these matters gradually transitioned into his ‘areas of interest.’ At first, his concern appeared thoughtful, but in retrospect, it subtly eroded my independence.

‘Are you sure you want to wear that?’

‘I just don’t trust other people around you.’

‘I only want what’s best for you.’

Over the course of time, each remark seemed harmless, even nurturing. However, as days went by, I subtly began to adjust my decisions in advance, steering clear of disagreements and concealing truths from loved ones to preserve harmony.

My independence shrank and I didn’t even realize it was happening.

It seems that Kanye is advocating for Censori to adopt a more attention-grabbing fashion style, yet his past behavior towards ex-wife Kim Kardashian suggests a different approach.

In a 2019 episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, he voiced his disapproval towards Kim’s specially tailored, skin-toned corset, mere hours prior to her scheduled appearance at the Met Gala in New York City.

Kanye explained to her that a corset is similar to an item of underclothing. He added, “It’s fashionable. But, you know, what makes it hot?

The evening prior to the Met event, you’ll be here saying you don’t fancy wearing a corset dress?” Kim inquired. “I’m experiencing severe anxiety. Could you clarify what you mean?

In simpler terms, Kanye said, “You’re my wife, and I feel uncomfortable with overly sensual photos,” to which Kim responded, “You’ve helped me become this confident, sexy person.

Kanye left the room in a huff.

His ex Julia Fox has also claimed that he told her what to wear.

In her 2023 memoir titled “Down the Drain”, the model describes her tumultuous months-long relationship with Kanye, whom she calls ‘the artist’, as a manipulative and distorted power play.

In brief, starting from 2022, Fox alleges that Kanye took charge of selecting her outfits by assembling a team, who subsequently made decisions without consulting her opinions on the matter.

Without a doubt, a significant indication of coercive control lies in the alteration of an individual’s personal expression.

In my partnership, I received guidance on clothing choices, hairstyles, and personal appearance. Gradually, this advice transformed into set expectations or rules, both expressed and implicit.

In me, there’s this unwavering admirer who can’t help but marvel at the remarkable metamorphosis I’ve witnessed in Censori. Life, we know, embraces change, yet it’s sometimes hard to distinguish between genuine transformation and manipulation that masquerades as choice. It’s a fascinating dance, isn’t it?

If someone changes their appearance, words, or actions consistently to meet a dominant partner’s expectations, it can be a cause for concern.

In my case, I lost my sense of style, my voice, my individuality.

Perhaps the most insidious part of coercive control is that the victim often appears complicit.

People ask, ‘Why don’t you just leave?’ or ‘Why do you let him treat you like that?’

The intricacies of coercive control elude many; they don’t grasp that it can manipulate your perception. Instead, you view yourself not as a victim, but as part of an enigmatic bond, a partnership that only you and your partner seem to comprehend.

Leaving is not just about walking out the door.

After I managed to depart, I found myself needing to rebuild my entire sense of self. This involved learning anew how to make independent decisions, trusting my inner judgement, and accepting that my thoughts and actions carried significance. The longer one remains in such a situation, the harder it becomes.

One of the reasons coercive control is so dangerous is that it can often be invisible to outsiders.

In public, my partner was charismatic and even affectionate.

No one would have suspected what was happening behind closed doors.

The focus here isn’t solely on events during filming, but rather, we’re curious about what transpires when the cameras are off as well.

When the doors close and the world isn’t watching?

Coercive control refers to a type of abuse that doesn’t leave physical marks but still causes significant damage. It can affect anyone, regardless of intelligence, independence, or success.

Despite making it through the ordeal, a significant chunk of my life was taken away in the process. Following the submission of a protective order against my former partner, I was compelled to start anew, essentially building everything up again from scratch.

If you find yourself trapped in a controlling situation, let me assure you, you’re not on your own. The mistreatment you’re experiencing is not something you deserve or should bear the blame for. Remember, your ideas, decisions, and voice hold immense value. True love should never confine or restrict; it should uplift and empower.

If you recognize these signs in your own life, know that there is a way out.

Most importantly, know that no matter when you chose to walk out, it’s the right time.

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2025-02-06 21:36

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