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Famous & Addicted: My Cocaine Nightmare

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Each time I snort a line of cocaine, it feels like a jolt of lightning to my mind, with electricity racing through my body. For a brief, exhilarating spell, I become wittier, more alert, bolder, my heart beats stronger and faster, my laughter rings out louder, and my eyes shine brightly.

I feel invincible, untouchable, powerful.

Then just moments later, the feeling is gone, the elation I am desperately chasing is ebbing away.

I make my way to the restroom, crush a white powder on the dirty tank of the toilet, place a folded ten-dollar bill under my nose… then taste the bitter trickle sliding down, leaving a chemical sting in my nasal passages. I take another line, followed by another one…

You know how this story ends. Or maybe you don’t. Allow me to explain.

In the wee hours, I find myself tossing and turning in bed, all by myself, riddled with remorse, embarrassment, and fear. The ceiling above seems to close in on me as if it’s my impending doom. Could ending things be such a terrible choice? After all, death might offer solace and an escape from the torment I’ve inflicted upon myself.

For the upcoming days, I’ll be recuperating as my eyes turn yellow, my skin pales, and my hunger disappears, only to regain my vitality and longing to go out again by the third day. My friends text me saying ‘Just one drink?’ to which I respond affirmatively, although I am aware that it rarely means just one drink, but rather a whole bottle of champagne, followed by someone producing drugs, and the vicious cycle continues.

I was a 35-year-old woman and addicted to cocaine. To make matters worse, I was famous.

I haven’t shared my name with you, but you might recognize me from my appearance and be familiar with my story. However, nobody aspires to become well-known for being a troubled cocaine addict, right?

Despite the sunny Instagram snaps, swimsuit photos, dog strolls, and public acclaim, I concealed a grave issue from my numerous followers: my covert struggle with cocaine addiction was gradually destroying my health, appearance, and mental peace.

Regarding my privacy, it holds significant value for both myself and my family. However, I am willing to share my story with you as I believe it carries an essential message. For those among you who consider a glass of wine or a casual outing at the weekend to be harmless, let me tell you about my weekend cocaine habit, which came perilously close to claiming my life.

Maintaining a certain image was crucial for me, as I needed to appear glamorous, seductive, and successful. However, my secret cocaine addiction threatened to break this façade. Inside, I was withering, and without the touch-ups of social media, I looked just as lifeless on the outside.

In simpler terms, I was a person who managed to maintain a functional lifestyle despite being addicted to cocaine. While I didn’t live on the streets or go to rehab, my personal life was in shambles. On the outside, I appeared put-together with my lip gloss, fresh hair highlights, regular gym visits, a healthy diet, and a successful business. However, nobody knew that I was secretly struggling with this addiction.

At age fifteen, I began dabbling with drugs, viewing it as mere recreation initially. However, I later understood that getting high offered an extraordinary means of escape. When under the influence of cocaine, everything seemed dulled, particularly emotional turmoil. Unfortunately, my addiction didn’t truly materialize until my thirties, coinciding with a significant boost in my career. As a result, I frequently found myself featured prominently in newspapers.

Because with fame, money and success, came cocaine. And lots of it.

I’ve partied with sports stars, Hollywood actors, fitness influencers and school mums.

Currently, I find myself engrossed in conversations with famous personalities discussing their passion for health and wellness, family matters, culinary endeavors, or clothing brands. It’s quite likely that beneath the surface, they are battling some hidden struggles as well.

Cocaine has permeated many areas of society, and there’s an increasing perception that its use is socially acceptable, particularly among the affluent, trend-setting, and well-known individuals within their private residences.

Yet it’s not only the elite who engage in such behavior; many parents, both mothers and fathers, take advantage of school events to indulge as well. Afterschool tea visits frequently turned into wine and drug use for them, too.

I developed an intense preoccupation with my next dose of drugs, finding it difficult to appreciate social gatherings with friends unless I had cocaine. Even peaceful nights at home seemed unsettling without a small boost.

Occasionally, not every week or fortnight, but regularly, I found myself adding dealers’ contacts to my phone list. This was risky, given my public image and the possibility of being caught in a dealer’s vehicle, yet I couldn’t help myself. My addiction had dimmed my wisdom.

In no time at all, I found myself tidying up my living space, invigorating myself for business endeavors, or even prepping for a social outing – all while engaging in the practice of mindful multitasking with a bit of line dancing mixed in!

Cocaine dependency can sneak up subtly upon you. You may believe you’ve got it well in hand; isn’t a bit here and there just part of enjoying oneself, right? (Later on, I discovered that, in fact, many people do not share this sentiment).

On an evening spent with companions, I noticed my heartbeat accelerating more than typical. I soon found myself needing to rest, as I wasn’t feeling well.

Later on, my next conscious moment found me in a hospital room, with a medical professional hovering above me. It turned out that I had experienced a temporary stroke, also known as a transient ischemic attack (TIA), due to a brief interruption of blood supply to the brain. I was prescribed long-term use of blood thinners to manage this condition.

Despite the uncertainty about the exact cause of your stroke, it’s clear that drugs played a role. Your doctor cautioned, “You had a lucky escape this time, but abstaining from drugs is now non-negotiable.

Did that stop me? For a few weeks, yes, but the addiction was greater than my willpower.

At the moment, I’m having a tough time recalling the absolute lowest point in my life. It could have been losing my business, struggling with maintaining a close relationship, or even contemplating ending my life – it might have been any or all of these difficult experiences.

In my journey, I chose to embark on a path towards sobriety and clean living, but I recognized the necessity of support as I couldn’t do it alone. Sobriety is deeply personal, and there are numerous paths one can take. I sought help from an outpatient rehabilitation center in Sydney, where I discovered that addiction often serves as a means to conceal past traumas and pain.

I came to understand that I was seeking a burst of dopamine, which helped me escape feelings of poor self-esteem and self-loathing, and temporarily distract me from my inner thoughts.

Twice a week, I began undergoing therapy, cut ties with drug dealers by erasing their contact details, and distanced myself from acquaintances who enjoyed partying excessively. As a result, my social circle shrank but became healthier. My relationships flourished, I rebuilt my business, and the radiance in my eyes returned.

Overcoming recovery may not be simple, yet when you realize that a contented abstinent life is achievable, that knowledge cannot be undone. In my forties, I managed to break free from the grasp of cocaine and alcohol, an experience I’ve never regretted since as it has led me to feel more fulfilled than ever before.

In addition, I’ve altered my public figure standing. I’ve chosen to retreat from the limelight, deactivated all my social media accounts, discovering that the strain was causing me illness. Yet, I’ve never experienced a greater sense of tranquility.

Observing numerous social media personalities and reality television celebrities relentlessly pursuing popularity gives me pause. I’m well aware of the potential consequences that often accompany such fame.

My message is this: take my story as a warning.

As a lifestyle advisor, I’d like to share a personal perspective on a topic that’s been on my mind lately: the allure of substances like cocaine. It’s intriguing, isn’t it? – how something can promise an instant high, yet half of Hollywood seems to be seeking sobriety instead.

In my opinion, the euphoria you experience from cocaine is a grand illusion, a deceitful high that often leads to more sorrow than satisfaction. It’s like a mirage in the desert, promising refreshment but leaving you thirstier than before. So, if you’re seeking a genuine boost in your life, I’d recommend investing time and effort into activities that genuinely enrich your well-being, rather than chasing fleeting moments of pleasure from substances like cocaine.

Stick to coffee instead.

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2025-01-31 18:52

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