As a seasoned journalist with a deep appreciation for the rich tapestry of human stories, I find myself utterly captivated by the life and legacy of Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Her journey from Holocaust survivor to beloved sex therapist is nothing short of extraordinary.
The renowned German-Jewish psychologist and sex expert, Ruth Westheimer, passed away at the age of 96. For over two decades, she engaged and amused audiences across radio, television, and print media with her candid, humorous, and compassionate insights on intimate topics.
In 1980, I was given the opportunity to host a late-night radio show on WYNY-FM in New York called “Dr. Ruth.” Initially just fifteen minutes long, we discussed various topics related to sexuality that were considered taboo at the time, such as multiple orgasms and menage a trois. The audience responded enthusiastically, resulting in an astounding 4,000 calls per night by the time the show was extended to one hour in 1981.
In the span of just a few years, she gained renown as a national figure with a radio broadcast reaching listeners from coast to coast and a popular cable TV program. Later on, she penned a syndicated newspaper column, “Ask Dr. Ruth,” and went on to author over two dozen books for various age groups. Among these works were a pop-up book specifically designed for preschool and kindergarten children, providing straightforward answers to fundamental questions regarding sexuality.
Despite not being the initial media therapist, with Toni Grant leading the way in Los Angeles radio during the 1970s, Westheimer excelled in the field by focusing on addressing sexual anxieties. This petite, four-foot-seven woman, nicknamed the “Munchkin of sex” by Time magazine, fearlessly discussed anatomically correct topics on airwaves across America without flinching. With her high, raspy voice, thick German accent, and endearing disposition that was at times playful, maternal, brisk, and impish, she effectively put uneasy censors and self-conscious callers at ease.
Allison Gilbert, one of the authors of “The Joy of Connections,” shared in a statement with The Times over the weekend, expressing that she will remember Dr. Ruth in light of how she made people feel – valued, significant, and included.
As a devoted cinephile, I can’t help but ponder over this thought: “After sharing intimate conversations with Dr. Ruth, isn’t the experience somehow irreplaceable?”
As a film enthusiast, I can relate to the experience of receiving guidance from someone trusted and beloved, like a favorite aunt or respected adult. Dr. Laura Berman’s words held that same comforting weight for me when I watched her show on Oprah Winfrey Network. Her advice brought a sense of normalcy to sexual topics and preferences, making many people feel less alone and isolated in their experiences.
Critics mockingly dismissed Westheimer’s commercial achievements, despite her humble beginnings as a maid earning just 75 cents an hour in the US in 1956. By the time of her peak fame in the 1980s, she was earning substantial sums from book advances and speaking engagements, and even became a spokesperson for various brands, from condoms to soft drinks.
She said she understood the reason for her widespread appeal.
She shared with Newsweek in 1982 that she didn’t project a sexy image, “I don’t give off the false impression of being something I’m not.” or “In 1982, she explained to Newsweek that she wasn’t perceived as a sex symbol, ‘People believe in me because I’m genuine.’ “
Growing up as an only child in Frankfurt, Germany, born to Irma and Julius Siegel, I never imagined the path my life would take. Raised in an Orthodox Jewish household, my birth came after Irma, a maid in my father’s home, became pregnant. My humble beginnings held no indication of the groundbreaking American idol I was to become – known later as Westheimer.
On the night of November 9, 1938, the world of the Jews in Germany and Austria was devastated during Kristallnacht, an instance of extreme antisemitic violence. Mobs, fueled by hatred against Jews, rampaged through the regions, resulting in countless Jewish homes, synagogues, and businesses being destroyed and left in ruins. In the following week, the Nazi authorities arrested Westheimer’s father, amongst numerous other Jews.
With the belief that the future held only hardship, Westheimer’s parents willingly enrolled her in the “Kindertransport” humanitarian initiative. This program enabled approximately 10,000 Jewish children from Germany, Austria, Poland, and Czechoslovakia to escape to safety; most were the sole survivors of their families. Westheimer, who was ten years old at the time, bid farewell to her loved ones for the last time on January 5, 1939, when she was among the 100 Frankfurt children sent by train to Switzerland.
After the Holocaust, she ended up in a picturesque Jewish boarding school in Heiden, which functioned primarily as an orphanage. As a ward of the Swiss government, her education was limited, leaving her to care for younger children and work as a maid most of the time.
As a cinephile, I can tell you that what was supposed to be a half-year stay at the Swiss school turned into a six-year ordeal for me. The time passed miserably due in part to my strained relationship with one of the school’s directors. Back home, I had discovered the basics of human intimacy by secretly peeking into my parents’ marriage manual hidden in our closet. At the Swiss school, I took it upon myself to educate my fellow students about menstruation. However, this act of sharing knowledge landed me in hot water with the headmistress who sternly admonished me to keep quiet.
Initially, she received joyful letters from her home, but by the close of 1941, these letters ceased to arrive. Later on, Westheimer discovered that her loved ones had been transported to the Lodz ghetto in Poland. Sadly, she never pursued extensive inquiries into their fate, assuming they met their end at the Auschwitz concentration camp.
She had kept her sorrowful past hidden for over four decades, fearing that it might overwhelm her and hinder her responsibilities as “Dr. Ruth,” as she expressed to The New York Times in 1987. Despite her inherently sociable nature, she seldom shared her emotions with companions. This behavior, she attributed to her upbringing in Switzerland, where she was taught to be thankful for life and avoid excessive complaining.
In the 1980s, she encountered writer’s block while working on her memoirs due to her unwillingness to delve into her most intimate emotions. Seeking resolution, she consulted a psychoanalyst based in New York City. Through therapy, she was able to recall past traumas from her childhood. One of the techniques used by her analyst involved revisiting the Swiss diaries and letters from home that she had avoided opening for over four decades.
Critics remarked that despite her psychotherapist training, the autobiography published as “All in a Lifetime” in 1987 appeared unusually surface-level.)
In 1945, following Europe’s liberation by the Allies, Westheimer became part of the youth Zionist organization and relocated to Palestine. There, she decided to go by her middle name, Ruth, instead of Karola.
She joined the clandestine Haganah military organization, which worked towards establishing a Jewish state, and was hurt when the kindergarten she taught at was attacked with artillery. Her feet sustained severe injuries as a result.
During those years, Westheimer penned down her concerns about her future in her diary, stating that “I fear no one will find me attractive due to my short stature and unappealing looks.” In 1950, she wed a young Israeli soldier who was the first to ask for her hand in marriage. They relocated to Paris, where he pursued medical studies and she obtained a psychology degree from the Sorbonne. However, their marriage came to an end after just five years.
In 1956, she developed strong feelings for an attractive Jewish man named Dan, who was French, and they relocated to New York City together. Not long after settling there, she chanced upon a newspaper advertisement offering a scholarship for someone who had experienced Nazi persecution, designed to pursue sociology studies at The New School for Social Research. Despite her limited English proficiency and lacking a high school diploma, she managed to secure the scholarship.
Upon learning she was expecting a child, she got married to him. They welcomed a daughter named Miriam into their world, while she is still alive along with her son Joel from a subsequent union, as well as four grandkids.
Westheimer’s marriage to Dan didn’t last long after their daughter was born. To make ends meet and provide for her child, she joined a market research firm and attended classes in the evenings. She obtained her master’s degree in 1959 and subsequently landed a job as a research assistant at Columbia University’s School of Public Health. Later on, she pursued a doctorate in education from Columbia, which she completed in 1970.
During the late 1960s, she developed a career-long fascination with human sexuality after joining a Planned Parenthood clinic in Harlem. Her role involved instructing outreach workers on how to question women about their past abortion and contraception experiences. Reflecting back on her early days in this field, Westheimer expressed her initial astonishment in her autobiography: “These individuals are extraordinary! They discuss sex the whole day!”
Initially taken aback, Westheimer soon developed a deep interest in sex education. She sought guidance from Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan, a renowned expert on human sexuality at New York Hospital-Cornell University Medical Center. Within a short period, Westheimer obtained a certificate as a psychosexual therapist from Cornell University.
In the ’70s, I spent several years teaching sex counseling at Lehman College in the Bronx. But unfortunately, due to budget cuts, they had to eliminate my position. After that setback, I managed to find a teaching job at Brooklyn College. However, I was let go from there for reasons I’ve never shared with the public. Despite being heartbroken by the dismissal, it ultimately paved the way for something much bigger in my life.
In 1980, she expressed the importance of additional sex education programming to a gathering of New York broadcasters, among whom was Betty Elam, the community affairs manager of WYNY-FM at the time. Moved by her speech, Elam invited Westheimer to appear as a guest on their Sunday morning public affairs program. So taken was she by Westheimer’s delivery that in late 1980, Elam proposed a weekly fee of $25 for Westheimer to host a brief program on Sundays, airing after midnight.
The “Sexually Speaking” program took off right away and transformed into a live, hour-long call-in show within no time. In just two years, it climbed to the top of New York’s radio rankings, attracting approximately 250,000 listeners weekly. Each episode concluded with Westheimer enthusiastically urging, “Enjoy great sex!”
In 1982, she started her local TV career on New York City’s Channel 5 with a daily morning call-in program named “Dr. Ruth.” The show gained significant attention due to its open discussions about sex, leading to a large-scale protest through written complaints. As a result, the show was terminated after running for 14 weeks.
In 1984, she collaborated with Lifetime cable network on a new program called “Good Sex! With Dr. Ruth Westheimer.” This show ran six nights a week and was the first major success for the developing network, attracting an audience of one million viewers each night.
Not long after that, my radio show started being broadcast nationally. Before I knew it, college students were throwing “Dr. Ruth” listening parties in their dorm rooms, and I was making regular appearances on late-night talk shows. Before you knew it, there were videos, board games, books, and eventually, a website dedicated to me. As a movie buff might put it, my popularity exploded like a box office hit!
Westheimer provided thoughtful and impartial guidance, holding the view that most consensual sexual activities between adults in the confines of their own home were acceptable to him. The program attracted listeners with diverse issues such as anorgasmia, premature ejaculation, and unique preferences or fetishes. When a caller sought advice on dealing with a girlfriend who presented an inflatable sex doll and expressed a desire to observe, Westheimer suggested, in a casual manner, “Give the doll a name and enjoy your experience.”
Certain conservative detractors attempted to label Westheimer as sexually liberated due to her lack of disapproval towards pre-marital sex, acceptance of homosexuality, and advocacy for safe-sex practices. She consistently championed the use of contraceptives, though she embarrassingly admitted that she had ignored this advice herself when she lost her virginity at age 17.
She spoke candidly about sex but always interjected with traditional values. She disapproved of infidelity, orgies, extreme sexual acts, and engaging in sex at a young age. “Why be in a hurry?” she asked a 16-year-old fan. “Just explore, keep hugging, kissing, and touching, and wait some more years.” Her only expressed regret was the fact that her audience included children as young as 12, whom she felt were not ready for her mature content.
Some radio therapists back then criticized her for focusing excessively on the technical aspects of sex and neglecting the emotional side. As Joy Browne, a renowned therapist who once hosted a radio show in San Francisco, stated in an interview with Newsweek in 1982, “Separating sexuality from humanism and personality is an error.”
Berman, who heads her own sex therapy center in Chicago, acknowledged that Westheimer’s approach to discussing the intricacies of sex was somewhat simplified. However, she added, “Given the state of public awareness back then, that was all most people could handle.” Regarding Westheimer’s significant contribution to sexual health education, Berman expressed her appreciation, particularly during the late 1980s when the AIDS crisis was at its peak.
In the late 1980s, Westheimer’s radio and TV programs came to an end, yet she remained a prolific writer and speaker. She authored numerous books such as “Dr. Ruth Talks to Kids,” “Dr. Ruth’s Encyclopedia of Sex,” “Sex for Dummies,” and “The Value of Family.” Simultaneously, she taught classes at Adelphi, Yale, and Princeton universities, while managing a small practice in Manhattan. In 2003, Westheimer joined iVillage.com as their resident sex advisor. More recently, a play titled “Becoming Dr. Ruth” was staged Off Broadway in 2013, and the documentary “Ask Dr. Ruth” debuted in theaters in 2019.
As a film enthusiast, I can’t help but feel a pang of disappointment upon learning about Dr. Westheimer’s regrettable mistake in her 1985 publication for teenagers, “First Love: A Young People’s Guide to Sexual Information.” In retrospect, I wish she had clarified that the week before and after ovulation is actually the riskiest time for sexual activity instead of labeling it as the safest. With a heavy heart, Dr. Westheimer admitted her error, acknowledging that even the most esteemed individuals like herself are not immune to making mistakes.
In her comfortable manner when speaking about intimate topics, she frequently expressed her traditional values. I personally resonate with her beliefs, as I too hold strong convictions in the importance of love and matrimony.
In 1961, she had her longest-lasting marriage begin unexpectedly. This happened during a ski trip to the Catskills Mountains when she met Manfred (Fred) Westheimer. He was a German-Jewish refugee, short in stature and possessing good looks and intelligence. She described him as “handsome, intelligent, and about 5 feet 5 inches tall” in her memoirs. She ended her relationship with her 6-foot-tall boyfriend and married Fred, an engineer specializing in telecommunications, just nine months after their initial encounter.
They had been married for 36 years when he died of a stroke in 1997 at age 70.
As a film enthusiast, I’d put it this way: In her memoir, Westheimer shared that Fred and I didn’t sleep in the same room due to a harmless quirk – his snoring. We had a wonderful relationship, but his nocturnal symphony kept me awake.
She expressed her disagreement with the idea that partners must engage in every activity together, including sharing the same bed for the whole night.
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2024-07-18 19:23